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Monday, March 25, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Round One Results: FILM BAD


DOLORES UMBRIDGE (16)
HANNIBAL LECTER (1) WINNER



What do you get when you have a psychopathic, cannibalistic, former-psychologist and a megalomaniacal headmistress in cahoots with an all powerful dark sorcerer?  One hell of an opening match-up.  While Dolores Umbridge was able to sneak in a few snide remarks, Hannibal "The Cannibal" asked for some "Quid pro quo" and followed it up by filleting her and eating her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.  Bottom line; wearing purple and pink never got anyone, anywhere.  Winner: Lecter.

MAX CADY (15)
THE JOKER (2) WINNER









Max Cady is a guy that takes things way too serious.  I mean, sure, you spent a few years in jail, you don't have to bite a woman's cheek off during rough sex.  The Joker asks "Why so serious?"  Cady reads a bible verse, but before he can say "Amen" the Clown Prince of Crime shows him how he got his scars, and Cady is up the river without a paddle.  Victory: The Joker.

FRANK BOOTH (14)
KHAN NOONIEN SINGH (3) WINNER










Frank Booth is psychotic.  Khan is moody.  You would think that Booth would have a chance against a guy that's simply moody.  The only problem is that Khan will stop at nothing for revenge.  While Booth is distracted by Khan's "velvet" like hair, he turns on Genesis, and easily wins this fight.  Khan tried to be a good neighbor, but instead sent Booth straight to hell with a love letter straight from his heart.

BIFF TANNEN (13)
DARTH VADER (4) WINNER











"You failed me for the last time, Tannen"
"Listen......*cough*.....butthead."
"I told you two coats of wax on my TIE fighter, not one."
To say the least, The Force was not with Biff.  Vader wins.  Impressive

HANS GRUBER (5)
JOHN DOE (12) WINNER











Two men, two different plans.  What John Doe lacks in fashion sense, me makes up with patience and of course a strap-on with a knife attached.  Hans might have a collection of Valentino suits and an accent that might get him on TV, but even that doesn't stop Doe from claiming a major upset in this battle of Bad vs. Evil.  Becoming Envious:  John Doe wins.

COMMODUS (6) WINNER
PATRICK BATEMAN (11) 











One guy will bathe in a child's blood.  The other, well, he'll probably bathe in it after he drinks a pint or two while listening to Huey Lewis & The News.  Pat Bateman might be able to get a 9:00 pm res at Crayons, but Commodus will simply give a thumbs down and you'll have a spear through your back.  While Bateman put up a fight, he was simply too square to be hip.  Commodus takes this fight easily, and is late for his 9:00 pm orgy.

ANNIE WILKES (7) WINNER
FREDDY KRUEGER (10)











Hell hath no fury like a woman who's favorite book character is killed off.  Freddy is more of a TV guy himself, and while he tries to "Welcome Annie Wilkes to Prime Time, bitch" she simply isn't having it.  With a few sledgehammer swings, Wilkes walks away with the win, while Kreuger is left trying to fit his head back into his fedora.

AGENT SMITH (9)
ALEX FORREST (8) WINNER










There might be a lot of Agent Smiths', but like Annie Wilkes, hell hath no fury like a woman........with 80s hair, and an affinity for rabbit stew.  Alex Forrest has no problem not being ignored by our favorite Matrix Agent, as she fakes a drowning, only to stab him in his digitized back.

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