Product categories

Month: July 2014

July 26, 2014

Simplistic Sneak Peek Ep. 7

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

On this episode of Simplistic Sneak Peek, the boys take a look at three trailers with dark subject matter and one trailer a bit on the lighter side.  During which time, Matt shows off his Terry Gilliam impersonation(s), while Justin and DJ touch on the age old stereotype of black people in horror films. 

You can watch this episode’s trailers below then click video above to hear Matt, DJ and Justin’s thoughts on them in real time.

Big Hero 6

Horns

12 Monkeys The Series

Ouija

July 26, 2014

Early Returns: The Expendables 3

The Expendables 3: Bloated
On one hand The Expendables 3 is a bloated mess that does nothing to earn your money nor time.  We have nothing but a shit ton of yesterday’s great actors thrown into a film where they will not be used accordingly.  The problem with this film is really the fact that it is an Expendables film.  The first one wasn’t great but it was fun.  The second again wasn’t great but it had a lot of action.  The third is just bloated, with editing and script problems beyond fixing.  Scenes going on for far too long and dialogue that’s completely unneeded again bloats this film.  The addition of Ford, Gibson, Banderas and Snipes is why I really wanted to watch this.  However, their characters were extremely underused.  Ford isn’t in the film that much and Wesley’s character is completely useless.  There is a scene in the beginning where he shaves his beard off with a knife.  A giant f&$king knife.  He shaves it so clean, I stopped what I was doing and texted my Simplistic Reviews partner DJ to confirm what I just saw.  Not a great sign starting off. 
Since we are talking about things that were absurdly lazy, lets get into the effects for this thing.  Now the CGI in The Expendables films are typically very bad.  The common thing most point to is the fake CGI blood.  This film doesn’t seem to have CGI blood, thanks to its new PG-13 rating.  But there are still a slew of cheap and horrible looking CGI explosions, muzzle flashes, helicopter chases and one amazingly crappy parachute deployment shot.  It is laugh inducing.  
But back to the bloat.  After an Expendable gets severely injured, Barney Ross goes out to put together a new team out of fear of getting his old team killed.  All of them young, and one of them a woman.  The woman, Ronda Rousey, is the only person I recognized out of all the new recruits.  So now, a film I watch for the nostalgic actors forces me to follow its “plot” with people I’ve never heard of.  A team I couldn’t care less about.  Expendables 2 did this a bit, but it’s much worse here.  The old team eventually comes back after the young guns screw up badly.  At least I think so.  I honestly started to play on my phone at this point.  Stallone’s character Barney Ross is so stupid in this film.  Tactically, emotionally, grammatically stupid.  His motivations make no sense throughout this film and then they switch on a dime for absolutely no reason.  I’m still waiting for someone to explain to me why the leader of a team called THE EXPENDABLES is afraid of his men getting killed.  Kinda undermines the entire premise of your franchise there Sly. 
The acting?  You don’t care about the acting.  You do?  Really?  Fine.  It’s like watching a sleepwalking documentary on Discovery Channel hosted by Ben Stein.   Only one or two of these guys (Banderas and Gibson eventually) show any sign of life in this thing.  This is something I can understand with the old vets, but the new blood is just as lifeless.   Here is a SPOILER filled example of everything wrong with this film combined.  There is a scene where Gibson and the bad guys set the team up in a building with C-4 all around them.  They have around 45 seconds to get out.  One of the new Expendables says he can try and block the signal.  He stupidly explains this plan while Gibson listens via a video camera.  But Gibson stupidly does nothing to capitalize on hearing this plan.  So, the scene culminates with these action icons that I grew up with just haplessly standing there for 45 seconds shouting, “Come on, Come on you can do it” to a guy I don’t care about pushing buttons.  They shout their encouragement with all the enthusiasm of a thirteen year old boy forced to play dress-up with his baby sister.  They all say it and say it horribly.  Rousey delivers the line so badly, it made me cringe.  I’m pretty sure I saw her cringe from it too!
On the other hand, anyone who purposefully goes to see this film already knows what they are going to experience.  Nonsensical action, cheesey writing and actors you loved that have seen better days…months…decades.  The Expendables 3 just like the others.  Nothing new, just a lot of bloat.  Is it worth your $9.45 at the theater?  No, nor is it worth your time.  Wait for it to come onto TV…network TV.
July 15, 2014

Boarding the Hype Train: Snowpiercer

POLARIZING
Snowpiercer – Polarizing

I’m really not one to buy into hype. I know what I like and while I do seek out films that peak my interest, I seldom bow down to conformity and buy into things that people universally say is good. Namely, I don’t like “South Park”, I believe that Seth MacFarlane is overrated, the same goes for Zack Snyder, and when people beat on things that are universally “hated” I usually bring up a counterpoint to either pose a challenge that will force the attacker to turn defensive and either call me a dick, or simply slink away and talk sh*t behind my back, which I’m fine with. But as a reviewer, and a contributor to this site, I have to buy into hype sometimes in order to bring an audience to the site. It’s all about the views. This brings me to “Snowpiercer” one of the most-hyped films of 2013 that still hasn’t been widely distributed. It’s a polarizing film, no pun intended, that is full of allegories, pseudo-science, and reminds me of nearly every sci-fi/action film I’ve seen the past 20 years.

“Snowpiercer” takes place 18 years after the Earth has been frozen over due to a failed experiment that was supposed to solve the Global Warming crisis. The survivors of the world-wide freeze have all been placed on a high-speed train created by the Wilford Corporation that travels around the world on an endless loop. A social system has been put in place where the tail end of the train includes the poorest of the poor, including Captain America himself, Chris Evan, who plays Curtis, a man who has seen it all and is looking to start a revolution with the help of Tin-Tin (Jamie Bell), Kane from “Alien” (John Hurt) and a few other stars that will leave you wondering, “They’re in this movie?”

Of course I’m being snarky about this film, because at times it takes itself a little to seriously. And that isn’t a bad thing. “Snowpiercer” is supposed to be a social commentary about the folly of science and the way humans interact with each other in the time of crisis. It might even be fair to say that this might be one of the most important sci-fi films since “Children of Men.” The downside of “Snowpiercer” is that the commentary is extremely heavy-handed, and at the same time, almost an afterthought in some scenes. It’s almost like it’s trying to find a balance between the two, but can’t decide what kind of movie that it wants to be, and that is where it gets a little muddled.

This isn’t to say that the film isn’t good, there is actually a lot of good in “Snowpiercer.” If you took a Terry Gilliam film, took elements of “Cube,” “Children of Men,” “City of Lost Children,” “The Hunger Games,” “Bioshock,” “300,” and put it on a moving train, ta-da; “Snowpiercer.” The acting is top notch for an sci-fi/actioneer, including a performance by Tilda Swinton that SHOULD go down as one of the best of the year. The train itself is also a wonder to behold. You don’t often see multiple sets created for a film. It’s either done via green screen or practically in a pre-exsisting environment. There is craftsmanship in “Snowpiercer” and that is most appreciated where nothing is built by hand anymore, just computers. The set designer(s) should be highly commended for their work in this film.

However, with all that I like about “Snowpiercer” there are still problems with predictability, unfinished plot elements, and an ending that is simply “meh.” It’s a film with a lot of big ideas about the folly of science, how man interacts with each other, social hierarchy, and looking for hope in hopelessness, but it kind of boils itself down into an action film on a train that also reminds me of “The Raid.”

How will “Snowpiercer” be remembered by the masses? From what I’ve seen so far, it’s quite……polarizing. People seem to love it for it’s style, use of allegory, and production value. Other people hate it for it’s overuse of allegory and to be honest with you, simply because the film is being talked about by so many people. Sure, it’s a cynical perspective, but we live in cynical times where people are going to poke holes in anything that other people might enjoy. “Snowpiercer” isn’t perfect, and maybe about 20 minutes too long, but if you look past the idea that the film might be trying to say too much, it’s an enjoyable and all together original take on the post-apocalyptic film genre.

Fun Fact: “Snowpiercer” is based on the 1982 French graphic novel “Le Transperceneige.”

July 15, 2014

They Came Together

They Came Together: Horrible

I Justin Polizzi have decided to Kill Myself, This is my last will and testament.

Why?

Because I watched this film, I don’t wanna live anymore.

—– 83 mins before the suicide —–

So one moment I’m trying to pick a film to review.

Hey, They Came Together, okay that looks good. Hey look at all of the people in this film!

Wow this is going to be a fun film. Boy was I wrong. Now before someone goes, “You didn’t get it!” No I got it, its a spoof and that was accomplished. What wasn’t accomplished was the fact it is also a comedy. It’s not funny, just not my type I guess. I really feel cheated here, like just because we’re all friends lets throw together a poorly made film. It’s a shame so many good films get passed up for stuff like this to make a terrible film on purpose. There is a scene where Christopher Meloni shits himself and blames it on someone else. Like the whole scene is pointless and just shows how stupid this film is. Here is another one, Paul Rudd goes to a bar and the bartender comes over and we have the same two lines repeated over and over for a solid 5 mins.
It’s a shame, the trailer is good, watching the movie is another thing. They just didn’t try, and that sadness me.
Rudd and Poehler are good, that I’ll say.
David Wain says, “It’s a really stupid romance comedy”…. Man I guess he did set out to make it like that. 
They just drop the comedy part.
Was I too harsh? Maybe Im just spoofing a bad review…we may never know.
July 14, 2014

Comic-Con Sneak Peek: Constantine

DRAWN

 Constantine – Drawn

What? Another comic book property that is being visualized on the small screen? As if all of the big-screen adaptations aren’t enough. I know this review already sounds pessimistic, and why shouldn’t it be, I mean, this is DC/Warner Brothers that we’re talking about here. If you haven’t gotten it by now, this is my take on the forthcoming TV adaptation of DC/Vertigo’s cult comic book series “Constantine”. And while I’m not the biggest fan, and maybe the 2005 film version kind-of-sort-of ruined it for me, I’m strangely drawn to the show, and this is only the pilot.

A little history lesson first; “Constantine” was created back in the 1980s by comic book legend/cranky old weird man, Alan Moore, who I’m sure has already condemned this show. John Constantine is a chain-smoking, hard living, cynical exorcist who has been condemned to Hell. He’s kind of like Beetlejuice in some ways.

In the pilot episode we find John residing in an mental institution after a botched exorcism that leaves a young girl names Astra dead and banished to Hell. He soon meets a girl named Liv Aberdine who is connected with John’s past and is hunted by a growing threat from Hell. If you can’t tell by now, there is a lot of Hell-related activity in this show.

Putting this out there; I’m not an avid reader of “Hellblazer” and don’t know all that much about the exploits of John Constantine in the comics. I really only have the film that featured Keanu Reeves in the starring role to fall back on, so excuse me if my knowledge might be lacking, but if I was to simply judge the show on it’s own merits, and as a completely impartial viewer who has little stake as a fanboy, I would say that “Constantine” has a bright future. Much in the vein of “Grimm,” another NBC mainstay that garnishes decent ratings in a horrible time slot on Friday night, I believe that NBC has a winner on their hands.

Albeit a rabid fanbase, “Constantine” is still a rather fringy property, much like many of Vertigo’s comic book titles. Yes, we have the possible “Sandman” adaptation with Joseph Gordon Levitt’s involvement and Seth Rogen and AMC’s interest in “Preacher” but it’s surprising to see NBC taking such a gamble on “Constantine.” As I said, “Grimm” and “Constantine” are two rather comparable shows, and could this be the writing on the wall that NBC is growing tired of “Grimm” or is NBC seeing the interest in adapted work, ie, “Hannibal” which is much-watch TV in my book.

As far as casting goes, Matt Ryan is who I would have always wanted to play John Constantine. One, he’s English, which I’m sure pleases fans. Two, he’s sardonic and speaks with a British accent, no Keanu-surfer dude “Whoa” here. And three, he’s oozing charm, something Reeves never had in the film. Ryan will be the one to make or break this show, and if this is any inclination that he can after one episode, I’d say the show is in good hands.

As with any review, there have to be a few cons. One, David Goyer is helping in show-running duties. It’s not that I don’t like Goyer, he’s okay sometimes, but I think his ego and big ideas get in the way. Two, and this isn’t a big deal to me, but it’s blasphemy to others; there is no smoking in this show, in the classic sense. And by classic sense I mean putting a cigarette to your lips and smoking it. News flash people, you can’t smoke on prime time Network TV. You can show mass murder, implied child molestation, implied rape, cannibalism, and all sorts of other wholesome family activities, but you can’t smoke. Yes, you might argue “Why put “Constantine” on NBC than?!” Well, this is what you got, and if you are going to be blinded about the fact that Constantine doesn’t smoke and make that the barometer of your argument of why you won’t watch the show, that’s pretty dumb.

Outside of smoking, the show looks like it is going to hit on all the major points that the film was neglectful about. The casting seems spot on, the world feels lived in, the special effects already look better than the movie, and I was drawn in after only 45 minutes, whereas the film I was bored to tears. Smoking is small potatoes, and if you pay close enough attention to the pilot you’ll see a nice little nod that should make you feel a little better that the creators did all they could to incorporate your precious cigarettes.

All in all, “Constantine” looks better than I expected, and it might wash the taste out of mouth of the lackluster film version starring Johnny Utah (and don’t get me wrong, I love “Point Break”). It looks like NBC is all in, and the fact that it has to compete against Fox who is premiering another DC property later this Fall in “Gotham” I’d say they will let the show grow and become one of the surprises on Fall schedule.

Fun Fact: John Constantine first appeared in 1985’s “The Saga of the Swamp Thing.”

July 13, 2014

Simplistic Sneak Peek Ep. 6

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

On this episode of Simplistic Sneak Peek, the boys get a glimpse of two films starring two different Batmen and a TV movie sequel about a shark apocalypse.  Well, I guess all three films deal with some kind of cataclysmic event.  Christian Bale deals with frogs and locusts falling from the sky in Exodus, Ian Ziering deals with sharks falling from the sky in Sharknado 2, and Ben Affleck deals with co-starring with Tyler Perry.  See?  All horrible things.

You can watch this episode’s trailers below then click video above to hear Matt, DJ and Justin’s thoughts on them in real time.

Scroll to top
The Simplistic Reviews Shop is now open! Due to COVID-19 shipments are being heavily delayed.  
Holler Box