1990

April 27, 2019

(Ep. 120): Guns – Movie Commentary: April 2019

April 26 is here!

Sure, the mystery movie commentaries were fun. But you knew what you wanted and we knew what you needed. So today we give it like it has never been given…That is why, for no other reason, April 26 was circled on our calendars.

A date we know a lot of you have been counting down towards.

A date that will most likely go down in movie history.

April 26, 2019.

The date Simplistic Reviews finally watched…Guns!

Guns
1990 ‧ Thriller/Drama ‧ 1h 36m

Description

Initial release: November 9, 1990
Director: Andy Sidaris

A South American gunrunner (Erik Estrada) uses an island in Hawaii as his base of operations. A squad of beautiful government airfreighters Donna (Dona Speir) and Nicole (Roberta Vasquez) agents is sent to put him out of business.

Shit yeah! Andy Sidaris! The Sidaris Cinematic Universe continues of the greatest movie series ever! Bombs! Bullets and Babes! This isn’t no children’s Endgame, this is real shit!

January 13, 2019

(Ep. 115): Hard To Kill – Movie Commentary: January 2019

The new year is here and so is a new batch of Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentaries! 
We start this new year off with a film from 90’s action star and serial eater, Steven Seagal. Which Seagal film? Well, since Steven has a large collection of so bad its good, we figured we get out one of the better Seagal films that also has some of our favorite lines.
Stay warm with the boys from SR on this chilly January Sunday and let’s watch some Hard to Kill!
Hard to Kill

R 1990 ‧ Drama/Thriller ‧ 1h 40m

Description

When police detective Mason Storm (Steven Seagal) uncovers ties among corrupt cops, the mob and charismatic politician Vernon Trent (Bill Sadler), a hit is ordered on his family. During the attack, Storm’s wife is killed, and the cop himself is severely injured. After waking up from a years-long coma, Storm, aided by gorgeous nurse Andy Stewart (Kelly LeBrock), slowly gets back on his feet and plots revenge against those who wronged him, particularly the duplicitous Sen. Trent.

Release date: February 9, 1990 (USA)
Director: Bruce Malmuth
Box office: 47.4 million USD
Screenplay: Steven McKay
Music composed by: David Michael Frank


October 21, 2016

(Ep.76): Child’s Play 2 – Movie Commentary: Oct 2016

Child’s Play 2 

Play trailer on YouTube

1990 Slasher/Thriller1h 24m  

Movie Commentary Friday! (Is that a thing?)
Hey everyone! Welcome to another Movie Commentary. Halloween is creeping up on us so we’re continuing with some more movies about murdering. Only this time its a grown man trapped into the workings of a children’s doll. (Cue Disney themed music)
Whats that?! Another bloody movie commentary that involves children? Yeah we know. Listen we didn’t plan this out, it was purely random. But hey guess what? Luck is on our side because Child’s Play 2 is a million times better then that last one, especially in story structure.
So sit back and watch out for that old toy you forgot about in your closet. You know the one that you witness a man doing black magic on when Dad and you went to the bank that one time. Sure you remember, don’t you? You know when the cops came and shot up the place? And as he pulled his bullet riddled-bloody body, he knew the only way to live was to transport his soul into your favorite toy?
No…why would you…that was me.

October 7, 2015

The Horror Time Capsule – 1990: Stephen King’s Graveyard Shift

EARWORM

Stephen King’s Graveyard Shift – Earworm

I’ve done my fair share of reading Stephen King, but most of his longform work can be just that….work. I’ve mainly enjoyed his short stories in “Night Shift” and “Skeleton Crew,” but that’s mainly because I have a short attention span when it comes to reading. This brings me to a film that while it isn’t very good, it’s very memorable; “Stephen King’s Graveyard Shift.”

“Shift” is the tale about a backwoods town where the economy is based around a mill that is infested with rats, and other murdery type creatures. A group of men, and a woman, are tasked with cleaning up the mill and getting it up to code by clearing out out the rat problem. However, there is bigger, deadlier, problem around the mill and people start turning up dead.

The film runs a tidy 88 minutes, which is just the right amount of time to tell the tale of a mill with rat problems, but there are plenty of fun takeaways from this film.

One, Brad Dourif, who you might knows as the voice of Chucky, or if you’re not a horror fan, as Grima Wormtounge in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, plays the creepy exterminator who hates rats and makes an instant impression. He reminds me of the foul-mouthed cousin of John Goodman’s exterminator in “Arachnophobia.”

Two, there are some very odd accents in this film, namely Stephen Macht, who’s accent is a place between a southern plantation owner and a British parliament leader, it’s just odd, and somewhat oft-putting.

Three, and this is only if you stick around for the whole film, the credit song. A combination of lines from the film and jazz beat, this might be the most memorable part of the film.

Overall, this isn’t a bad film, it’s just a Stephen King short that ended up being a film like so many films before and after. “Gravetard Shift” just happens to have enough quirks to make it enjoyable and memorable.

If you thought this film was bitchin’, check out these others from 1990:

Child’s Play 2
Gremlins 2
It
Leatherface: TCM 3
Nightbreed
Night of the Living Dead (1990)
Tales from the Darkside: The Movie
Tremors

March 26, 2015

SR Podcast (Ep. 42): Nobody’s Perfect – Movie Commentary: March 2015

Thursday Movie Night!

Tonight’s Movie Commentary is a little unknown film called

Nobody’s Perfect

1990 – PG13 – 90mins – Comedy

Starring the famous Lowe brother, Chad Lowe. Nobody’s Perfect is about Stephen (possibly looking for a way to cross dress) is a tennis loving college student you falls for Shelly a chick who apparently can’t pick the right guys. To get closer Stephen becomes Stephanie to befriend Shelly. It’s all wacky fun from there…oh and rape.

October 31, 2014

Slaughter Film Presents: Action Movie Time Machine – 1990: The Bronx Warriors

ITALIAN

Lace up your Chuck Taylors and throw on a flannel shirt, we’re taking a trip to the ’90s. A ’90s of a PARALLEL TIME!
The year is 1982. Both funny man John Belushi and guitar shredder Randy Rhoads pass away.  Rocker Wendy O Williams sues several Milwaukee police for physical abuse endured while she arrested. “Ghandi” and “Conan the Barbarian” share the silver screen – now that’s a fight I’d like to see. And the compact disc is debut.
All aboard! The “Action Movie Time Machine” is dialed into the time stream of “1990: The Bronx Warriors”, a film that predicts the post apocalyptic world of New York City in 1990.
THE SKINNY
The film is set in the post apocalyptic New York City of 1990. The Bronx, where our story unfolds, is controlled by several vicious gangs who patrol their territories and coordinate their Technicolor outfits for maximum bad-ass-itude. The gang related crime has become so great that all attempts to restore law and order have been unsuccessful, and the Bronx is now regarded a “no man’s land” by the authorities. All of this we learn from the films “Escape from New York” style prologue.

 
The film begins with seventeen year old Ann, who has runaway from her Manhattan Catholic school and found her way into the Bronx. Soon she is discovered and attacked by one of the many colorful gangs following in the footsteps of such films as “The Warriors”. Her attackers are the Zombies. A gang who’s mode of transportation is roller skates. Their weapons are white hockey sticks and they wear matching white Stahlhelme (Nazi helmets). Soon Ann’s attackers are confronted by a rival gang,  the Riders, who are nothing more than a biker gang. the Riders dish out a bit of the ol’ ultra violence to the Zombies and Trash, The Rider’s leader, takes Ann as his biker bride. Ann doesn’t seem to mind. She and Trash hit it off and spend the following days making underage love.

Ann has escaped a world of privilege and power to live in… the Bronx. She could have used her family’s money and influence to go anywhere in the world, but she chose the Bronx. The gang infested – ghetto-ass Bronx. Why you ask? Well she is running from responsibility. Once she turns eighteen she will inherit the family business, The Manhattan Corporation, which is the largest single company in the United States. In short she doesn’t want her life devoted to the  board meetings and conference calls of a god sized entity that influences the decisions of first world countries and owning those of the second and third. Instead… she chooses the Bronx. That’ll show that stuffy old board of directors.
In order to get Ann away from danger and back into Catholic school, the vice-president of the company sends in a private contractor, a man who goes by the name Hammer, to infiltrate the Bronx, track and retrieve Ann. The Riders learn about Hammer when he gets a little too close to the gang while doing some recon. He happens upon a member of the Riders and his lady getting’ busy in a stairwell of an abandoned apartment building. Hammer shoots them both point blank in the chest with a shotgun. The noise alerts Trash and the rest who search the building and chase Hammer but can’t catch him.
Around this time another of the Riders turns up dead. This time at the hands of the gang known as the Tigers – a gang of well dressed pimps. He was found trespassing on Tiger territory, so The Ogre, leader of the Tigers played by Fred “The Hammer” Williamson, removes his heart as a punishment. In the process, The Ogre discovers that he was wearing a “gizmo” (a police issue tracking device). This news gets back to the Riders and causes them to quarrel among themselves. Some think it’s all a lie and The Ogre is moving in on their territory. However, Trash has had a long conversation with Ann, who believes all these killings are connected and are the doing of the Manhattan Corporation. Trash devises a plan to  take his best men, travel through the other territories and meet with The Ogre. With The Ogre on his side, the gangs could team up and smoke out Hammer and whoever else has ties to the Manhattan Corporation.

Along the way, Trash and his men encounter several other gangs who they must defeat. First the Iron Men – a gang of face painted, tap dancing theater types, then the Scavengers – a nomadic group or club wielding barbarians and finally the Tigers who they have to fight their way thou before they earn an audience with The Ogre. When they do, The Ogre and the Tigers are on board.
Meanwhile, Ice, one of the Riders, has been making a power play to lead the gang. He has made a deal with Hammer – telling him Trash’s plan to team up with The Ogre. Ice then meets with the leader of the Zombies, who’ve captured Ann, and convinces them to use Ann as bate to draw in Trash and eliminate him for good.

Everything comes to a head when The Ogre and Trash arrive at the Zombies’ hideout. The Ogre takes on the Zombie leader while Trash frees Ann and gets his revenge for Ice turning traitor. They then battle their way out against the entire Zombie gang before they return to the Tiger’s territory where they, together, defend themselves against a Hammer lead invasion of police armed with flame throwers.
This invasion is an all out slaughter. People are set on fire left and right. Over half of the people who bite it in this entire film die here in this final scene along with The Ogre, Hammer and even Ann. The only survivor is Trash, who rides out into the sunset dragging Hammer’s body by his motorcycle. The End.
THE VERDICT
“1990: The Bronx Warriors” comes from Italian director Enzo Castellari and I believe THIS is the reason it falls into both the good and bad categories. While it isn’t original, which I’m sure you figured out for yourself from my referencing of several other similar films, but it is original enough in it’s own right. It is well filmed, acted and scored but has a distinct European feel to it which detracts from it’s action packed potential. It’s a bit subdued compared to American made action films of the same vintage.
Being an Italian film made in the States, the film is largely made up of an Italian speaking cast who have all been dubbed, which makes for some pretty interesting lines of dialogue… Or, maybe it’s the script that has been translated which makes for the interesting dialogue. Anyhow, one of my favorite  lines came from Trash when the Riders were discussing some planted evidence found where Hammer killed the two with his shotgun; “Look, it could be a pile of shit outta somebodies asshole!”. Weirdly specific when he could have just said; “Look, it could just be bullshit for all we know!”.
Speaking of Hammer. Why didn’t Fred “The Hammer” Williamson play the character Hammer? Sure Fred looks better dressed as a tough guy pimp, but with a name like that it just makes sense.
 
There were two other things that seemed strange that I would like to point out. The first occurs when The Ogre and The Tigers pay the Riders a visit to tell them about the “gizmo”. The whole time this scene goes on, there is a drummer playing. No, I mean the drummer is sitting next to the Riders, beating the skins all alone and I don’t know why he’s there other than he is REALLY good. Why set up your drum kit in the middle of nowhere just to play for a biker gang? Did the Riders call him ahead of time to let him know when they would be there, or does he always practice there and today there just so happened to be some heavy gang related shit going down?
 
The second thing occurs when Ann is being rescued from the Zombies. As she watches Trash beat up some Zombie gang members in slow motion, she starts to breath heavy and her lip quivers. She is totally turned on by Trash’s brain bashing machismo. Then, moments later, as Trash is talking to Ann, who is sitting on the ground, we see the back of Trash and his mace like weapon poking out from in front of him. It just so happens to be at Ann’s eye level and she can’t take her eyes off of it. This is phallic as all hell. Leave it to an Italian filmmaker to come up with a way to turn that scene into a hidden moment of sex.
 
So in the end, it’s unfortunate that “1990: The Bronx Warriors” isn’t very original, but it is also too good to be bad. I feel that this could easily be a forgotten cult classic if it was able to stand out more from it’s peers with more than odd dialogue and sexual innuendo. In my opinion it should have been a full blown grindhouse flick with boobs and blood galore. Maybe it’s sequel “Escape from the Bronx” has a little more to offer.
Again, it’s not a bad film. Maybe if you’re bored with “The Warriors” you should give this one a try.
I’m Cory Carr and this concludes our trip on the “Action Movie Time Machine”. Until next time, Semper Fi!
For more from Cory, check out his website slaughterfilm.com, where he and his good friend Forest Taylor record weekly podcasts, reviewing the films that are legendary, even in Hell!

October 25, 2013

This is Halloween: Ghostbusters II

UNDESERVED

Ghostbusters II – Undeserved

Will we ever see a “Ghostbusters III?”  The easy answer is no, the hopeful answer is, please no.  Trust me, “Ghostbusters” goes down as one of the best comedies of the 1980s, if not the best comedy from the past 30 years.  There was nothing else like it when it was released in 1984; a live action cartoon starring some of the funniest people in the world.  It made Bill Murray the biggest comedian in the world at the time, and the film still has a huge fan base to this day.  It’s a timeless classic that was way ahead of its time, but a third entry into the “Ghostbusters” saga would never work now, and would strictly anger fans of the first one while simply catering to today’s movie-watching public; a group of viewers who idolize Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, and any other crap that today’s fast food media tells you to idolize.  Just look at what Michael Bay is doing to the “Ninja Turtles!”  But that’s a rant for another review.  Getting back on track, fast-forward five years and the gang got back together for 1989’s “Ghostbusters II” a sequel that gets an undeserved bad rap from fans of the original.

“Busters II” opens with Dana Barrett (Sigourney Weaver) and her baby Oscar out for a morning stroll.  Needless to say something spooky happens and Ray, Winston, Peter, and Egon, The Ghostbusters, are back in business.  Apparently Dana’s baby has been chosen by an ancient evil to take over the world, it’s hokey, but that’s your plot this time around.  Throw in a creepy painting of an ancient European wizard/madman, a river of ectoplasm, and an art curator from the “Upper Vest Side” and you got a sequel, while not perfect, still captures the magic of it’s predecessor and manages to be charming.

The fact that the entire original cast decided to come back for the sequel says one of two things; 1) The story was interesting and funny enough to bring everyone back or 2) sequels usually equate to desperation for actors and greed for the studio.  Back in 1989 Murray was coming off of “Scrooged”  Dan Aykroyd, “Caddyshack II,” Harold Ramis had become more of a writer and director than an actor, and Ernie Hudson was coming off of “Leviathan.”  When I think about it, I guess it was time for a sequel to “Ghostbusters.”

While there are problems with the plot, which dances the line of parody of itself and ridiculous, it’s just nice to see the whole cast back together.  The addition of Peter MacNicol to the cast adds quite a few comic beats, and his interactions with Bill Murray are some of the best in the film.  To be honest, I almost prefer Murray’s portrayal of Peter Venkman in the sequel.  It seems that he has more to do, and unlike the original “Busters,” he is the big name and the draw, and he stands out from the ensemble this time.

The story gets a little sappy near the end with a theme that only kindness can defeat evil (I mean…..come on).  Granted, this film was coming off the Saturday Morning Cartoon, “The Real Ghostbusters” which I also adore beyond words, but I feel like the story could have used a little more bite.  It simply came off as a little sappy, and frankly, simplistic, to me.  If you asked a New Yorker to be nice, there is no doubt you would get a one-finger salute, especially in the late 80s/early 90s.  Maybe in today’s New York you would get a nicer response, but the New York of yesteryear would tell you to take a hike, and than probably knife you.

Overall, “Busters II” is a fine companion to the “Ghostbusters” mythology.  It bridges the gap between the two films nicely, and is just as funny as the original.  It really does get an undeserved bad rap.  Plus, they made Janine hot!  I mean there was even a cameo by Bobby Brown for goodness sake!  Booby FREAKIN’ Brown!  Mr. Humpin’ Around!  He just wanted a proton pack for his kid brother!  I’m sure if he asked Peter instead of Egon he could have gotten that deal to work.  But alas…..

Fun Fact:  For all you Nintendo fans out there, check out the sweet NES Advantage joystick that was used to control The Statue of Liberty.

October 26, 2012

31 Nights of Halloween, Click: The Calendar Girl Killer

 Click: The Calendar Girl Killer: Laughable

A perfect early 90’s horror film in all the wrong reasons.
If there is a word for beyond cheesiness it would fit for this film.

What we have here is another transvestite killer with some major mommy issues. I really don’t have much to say for this review, so I made a few notes for you while I watched.

Other then that, its a bad horror film. Fun if you have a pizza, beer and some friends come over to watch it but yeah other then that its pretty bad.


Some Notes While Watching! (Now with 40% Extra Denim!)

First bad line of the film, “You are gonna party to you die…keep the bubbles going”. Followed by some creepy laughing.

Wow another line, this one is better! “She’s a bitch…but she screws like a demon”. Followed by Two 90’s guys with mullets laughing.

Im going to use that line one day, somehow I will!

There is a moment when two people fall into a spa and get wet. Next shot they’re dry and only their hair is wet.

Denim vest! All I see is Denim in this shitty film!

The main guy is a photographer and his camera only has one lens!

Yep the guy crosses out the victims with red ink.(Thats how you know they’re dead…from being apart of this film. Hope to see my photo get crossed out with red ink soon!)

He goes to Chinatown looking for models. And apparently only finds white models. So no asian women in chinatown?… Thats kinda odd.

Stereo typical biker boyfriend with the black leather jacket, jeans and white t-shirt. Always a good sign in a film.

(Nothing happens for awhile, well something does but it goes nowhere)

90’s sex scene, with 90’s sex scene music!

And they have a tea kettle in front, blocking all the nudity! And yes the kettle goes off at the right “moment” of the 10 seconds of crappy sex.

Hey everyone! The killer looks like game show host Chuck Woolery!

90’s poolside slow-mo oil up scene, now with more denim!

Follows 90’s poolside fight scene also in slow-mo and with bad sound effects.

Finally some, Boobies!

Some stupit shit happens.

More bad dialogue.

The killer dresses up as a nurse with a wig and lipstick. It looks…bad.

He also talks. Which is clearly ADR at its worst.

More Boobies, but with strobe lights, which gets old very fast.

The strobe light is still going this time a murder is taking place which last a few mintues. Yeah a few mintues of fast flashing strobe light, I feel sick now thanks guys.

The fight scenes are soooooo bad.

Remember the main guy? The photographer with the one lens? Well it is officially the whole film, only one lens!

The killers outfit also has fake boobies and socks up to his/her knees.

The final fight scene is a “Jesus on the cross remake”, yep no lie. I uploaded it so you could watch it, if you like. The Biker boyfriend knocks the killer down and thinks its over, clear it’s not. The killer gets up and they both pick up torches to fight almost like a fight with swords. And thats it, it just ends.

Wow thats the film, Click…it really is bad, but funny…but still really Bad!

July 30, 2012

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane – Unbelievable
I have a love/hate relationship with Renny Harlin.  Sure he made “The Long Kiss Goodnight” “Nightmare on Elm Street 4” and “Cliffhanger” but he also made “Cutthroat Island” and “Deep Blue Sea,” so I wouldn’t call him the most reliable of directors, but if you give the guy the tools he can certainly succeed.  Case in point, “The Adventures of FordFairlane.”
It’s hard to believe, but Andrew Dice Clay, at one point, was the hottest comedian on Earth (and this isn’t an Earth 2 type of thing that DC pulls).  I mean the dude was selling out football stadiums, he could do no wrong, that is until he quit smoking and got fat
 
Anyway, Ford Fairlane, Mr. Rock n’ Roll Detective, is on the case of his career, but he hates Disco, especially Disco Express, I mean they blow dog, you know what I mean.  But don’t tell that to Lt. Amos (Ed O’Neill) because in a matter of seconds he’ll break out his old dance moves, and “Booty Time” will commence.
With a crap ton of cameos (Tone Loc, Morris Day, Shelia E) and Wayne Newton as the villain, I mean Mr. Vegas as the main villain of a movie, how could you not love this movie!  Ford Fairlane…..I fucked him, ohhhh!
Fun Fact:  No koalas were harmed in the making of this film.
July 25, 2012

Marked for Death

Marked for Death: Seagal

It’s a Steven Seagal film, enough said…

Why watch it? Because Keith David is in it!

Tagline: He’s a good cop. In a bad mood.

Best Line: “You fuck with my family, you die.”


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