Action

May 24, 2019

(Ep. 121): Fire Down Below – Movie Commentary: May 2019

We started this new year off with a film from 90’s action star and serial eater, Steven Seagal’s Hard to Kill! We continue the Seagal Saga with Fire Down Below, you know the EPA action film…no not that one…the other one…yeah there is another EPA action film.


Fire Down Below

1997 ‧ Thriller/Action ‧ 1h 45m

Description

When an EPA representative is discovered dead in a small Midwestern town, government agent Jack Taggart (Steven Seagal) goes undercover to check things out. He finds that local coal mogul Orin Hanner Sr. (Kris Kristofferson) is cutting financial corners by disposing of hazardous waste wherever he pleases and that local kids are falling ill because of this recklessness. Taggart then works to stop the shady activity and save the town, but Hanner and his thugs soon grow suspicious of him.

Initial release: December 13, 1997 (South Korea)
Budget: 42 million USD
Box office: 16.2 million USD
Music composed by: Nick Glennie-Smith
April 27, 2019

(Ep. 120): Guns – Movie Commentary: April 2019

April 26 is here!

Sure, the mystery movie commentaries were fun. But you knew what you wanted and we knew what you needed. So today we give it like it has never been given…That is why, for no other reason, April 26 was circled on our calendars.

A date we know a lot of you have been counting down towards.

A date that will most likely go down in movie history.

April 26, 2019.

The date Simplistic Reviews finally watched…Guns!

Guns
1990 ‧ Thriller/Drama ‧ 1h 36m

Description

Initial release: November 9, 1990
Director: Andy Sidaris

A South American gunrunner (Erik Estrada) uses an island in Hawaii as his base of operations. A squad of beautiful government airfreighters Donna (Dona Speir) and Nicole (Roberta Vasquez) agents is sent to put him out of business.

Shit yeah! Andy Sidaris! The Sidaris Cinematic Universe continues of the greatest movie series ever! Bombs! Bullets and Babes! This isn’t no children’s Endgame, this is real shit!

November 13, 2018

(Ep. 112): If Looks Could Kill – Movie Commentary: Novemeber 2018

If Looks Could Kill

1991 Action Comedy 1hr 28m
Before he can graduate, cocky high school student Michael Corben (Richard Grieco) travels to France on a school trip to earn a missing French credit. But when a British intelligence agent mistakes Michael for a spy of the same name, they rush him to headquarters and assign him to capture the evil Augustus Steranko (Roger Rees), using a plethora of espionage gadgetry. Michael has the time of his life — until he crosses paths with two assassins (Tom Rack, Carole Davis) who want him dead.

Director: William Dear
Story by: Fred Dekker 

 Why? Because why not! Open that bottle of wine you keep thinking about and spend a lovely evening with DJ, Matt, Justin and the God that is Richard Grieco. Feast your eyes upon the Grieco and say goodbye to your family, because looks can kill!




September 5, 2018

(Ep. 109): Killing American Style – Movie Commentary: September 2018

Killing American style
1990 ‧ Thriller/Action ‧ 1h 30m

Well it’s not Samurai Cop…

Welcome back to the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary! Today we pop in another Amir Shervan film, Killing American Style. It’s the 80’s and of course Amir will recycle from his masterpiece Samurai Cop; location, music and beefy men with long beautiful hair.  The terrible acting mix with cheesy fight scene is the best part along with its nonexistent script. Killing American Style is no Samurai Cop. It’s not as funny nor crazy but still a entertaining film except for one thing – rape.

The amount of creepiness is beyond anything we have seen before. There really isn’t a need for rape in a movie, especially when the story line doesn’t call for it. A simple walk into the room with the door closing gets it point across, what we get here is out of control and unnecessary. Killing American Style is a fun Sunday film to drink and laugh at, just look at that title. But when your looking for another Samurai Cop don’t look at Killing American Style, it’s in a league of its own.
                       

July 3, 2018

(Ep. 106): Ring of the Musketeers – Movie Commentary: July 2018

Ring of the Musketeers
PG-13 1992 ‧ Action/Adventure ‧ 1h 26m


As descendants of the original Three Musketeers, Peter Porthos (Thomas Gottschalk), John Smith D’Artagnan (David Hasselhoff) and Anne-Marie Athos (Alison Doody) are continuing the chivalrous tradition of protecting those who can’t protect themselves, carrying it into the modern age. Rather than fighting lords and counts, these Musketeers have the Mafia to deal with, but they’re aided by reformed burglar Burt Aramis (Cheech Marin), the newly knighted fourth Musketeer.

Initial release: December 1, 1992 (Germany)
Director: John Paragon
Production company: Motion Picture Corporation of America
Screenplay: John Paragon, Joel Surnow
Producers:Brad Krevoy, Steven Stabler
Plug that VHS player back in! It time for some David Hasselhoff! That’s right, today we watch the Ring of the Musketeers. A made for TV film that… well… nobody remembers.  But when you have a modern day (90’s) Musketeers film that has a cast that contains the Hoff, Cheech Marin, Alison Doody, John Rhys-Davies, Corbin Bernsen, Timothy Stack, Ricky Jay and Branscombe Richmond. You pretty much stop whatever you are doing and pop this VHS in.
So fix that tracking and enjoy that mono audio (yes this VHS wasn’t in stereo) and repeat, Unus pro omnibus, omnes pro uno! Because we do this together ladies and gents! This is the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary of Ring of the Musketeers!

                       

March 24, 2018

(Ep. 101): Undefeatable – Movie Commentary: Match 2018

Undefeatable

R

 1994 ‧ Thriller/Action ‧ 1h 35m 4.1/10 · IMDb

The boys of Simplistic Reviews are back! Let’s be honest you never believed Ep. 100 was our last… did you? No we can’t stop with all these crappy movies out there. Plus the current world we live in needs some terrible grotesque jokes.

So sit back, turn off the lights and enjoy some undefeatable puns…no…they suck…its pretty sad.

Kristi Jones (Cynthia Rothrock) who, along with her gang, take part in Mafia-run street fights to earn money for her sister’s college education. Kristi’s sister hopes to become a doctor and pay for Kristi’s education.

Meanwhile, an underground fighter by the name of “Stingray” (Don Niam) is left by his scared wife, Anna, after raping her, and vows to find her. Stingray has suffered from abandonment issues since early childhood and this new trauma triggers a psychotic break from reality. He begins to kidnap women who resemble his ex-wife, and subsequently tortures them and gouges their eyes out before returning their bodies to the crime scene. Kristi’s sister becomes one of the victims, so Kristi tracks down Stingray with the help of police officer Nick DiMarco (John Miller), who might just be falling for her, alongside her sister’s psychiatry tutor Jennifer (Donna Jason) and Nick’s partner Mike (Gerald Klein).

They eventually track down Stingray, who has kidnapped Jennifer, and fight in a warehouse where he escapes after shooting and killing Mike. Jennifer’s injuries, though relatively minor, require that she be admitted to the hospital where she is again kidnapped by Stingray who is impersonating a doctor. Kristi and Nick chase him to a storage area where the three do battle, mostly through hand-to-hand combat. Stingray is bested by the pair, having both eyes gouged out in the process. He’s then suspended by the eye-sockets with a meat hook, killing him.

The final scene shows with Kristi and her friends visiting her late sister’s resting place to inform her that Stingray has finally been defeated. It is revealed that Kristi has somehow enrolled her former gang in college to give them a chance at a better life, and that Kristi has also been enrolled in college by Nick. The film ends with the group engaging in an impassioned four way high-five.

August 3, 2017

(Ep. 89): Gymkata – Movie Commentary: August 2017

Gymkata
1985 ‧ R Action/Action/Adventure ‧ 1h 30m

It’s that time of the year again, August. The month we all hated as it was the end of our summer vacation and the beginning of back to school. So a little treat is needed and what could be better then Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas, who combines his gymnastic ability with martial arts to enter a deadly competition? I’m going to guess NOTHING!. Thomas has a few awards under his leotards. In 1985 he earned the big nomination for a Razzie Award as Worst New Star. Wow nothing but the best for you here at Simplistic Reviews. 

“Watching Gymkata is a roundhouse kick of pure American action!” – Justin

So are you ready? Cue up your copy, sit back and be in awe over how a movie like this could even exist. Thank you movie gods!

June 9, 2017

Wonder Women

Wonder Woman: Wonderful

PG-13

2017 ‧ Fantasy/Science fiction film ‧ 2h 21m

There isn’t much to say about WB and their DC Movies but when it comes to Wonder Women one thing I will say is…

Wonder Women is a Wonderful film.

WB finally made a real movie. They created something that was enjoyable to watch and not a torture to sit through. A movie that had a beginning, middle and end. Not a over complexed film trying to do something different. (See Suicide Squad a movie that shows everything you shouldn’t do in a movie)

WB went back to the basics and it pays off big time

Gal Gadot is Wonder Women, one that I can not get enough of. When it comes to Justice League the truth for me, and I believe as well as the general public is we aren’t really excited about it. But Gal Gadot has given me more enthusiasm for JL. This is what WB should done. Introduced each character in their own film before Justice League, this was the first and biggest mistake.


Chris Pine does a great job as Steven Trevor. One of Pine’s greatest abilities as a actor is his comedic timing. It works beautifully here that only helps the flow of this movie. Keep in mind this is still a 2hr and 21 minute movie but never did I feel that. Batman v Superman was a different story.

Credit has to be given to Director Patty Jenkins. Jenkins made a great action film that has a solid story line and the best scene in a DC movie to date.

Wonder Women is the first DC movie (Man of Steel, Batman v Superman, Suicide Squad) from scene to scene that kept my attention locked. I felt emotion on the screen, the last 3 never did that for me. Lets swing over to action. The action in WW is great. The fight sequences are fantastic and this should be the standard from this point further.  

Hey WB pay attention here!

Jenkins directed her first feature length in 2003’s Monster. A movie that Charlize Theron won an Academy Award for Best Actress. Now her second film after her TV stint is Wonder Women which at the time of writing this charges toward $420 plus million. Which would be 2017’s 8th biggest movie on 4,165 theater screens.

Which was the lowest…

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was on 4,256

Suicide Squad was on 4,255

Man of Steel was on 4,207

WB this is what you need, continue what you did with Wonder Woman.

April 20, 2017

(Ep. 85): Deadly Prey – Movie Commentary: April 2017

Deadly Prey

1987Drama/Action 1h 28m
 
 In Vietnam, he was the best… He still is! 

You’ve requested it, We watched it!

Deadly Prey is a fun film no doubt about that, might not be great film but boy is this a stupid fun time of a watch. So put on those short shorts, grab a duby and lets do some killing!
 Colonel Hogan is a ruthless former military officer who trains a large group of former U.S. Servicemen as mercenaries by having them hunt down and kill people they abduct off the streets of Los Angeles. Hogan’s greedy financier Michaelson threatens Hogan to speed up the men’s training or he will pull the plug on Hogan’s training camp. However, Hogan and his men meet their match when their latest kidnap victim turns out to be a tough gung-ho marine named Mike Danton who despite being unarmed and hunted, he manages to decimate Hogan’s men in detail. Frustrated Hogan, his tough right-hand man Thornton and personal assistant Sybil kidnap Danton’s wife Jaimy to force him in the open, while Jaimy’s retired police detective father tries to track down her and Danton who finds an unlikely ally in the form of a former marine buddy named Cooper who wants to help him take on all of Hogan’s men. (IMDB

Simply Drinking: Take a drink of your favorite alcoholic beverage every time someone sneaks up on another person.

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February 1, 2017

(Ep. 82): Savage Beach – Movie Commentary: January 2017

1989 | Action | 92 min 

Ready for a trip to Savage Beach?
Come and enjoy beautiful our water
Wine and dine with at the island’s number 1 restaurant. 
And come see the last of what the 80’s have to offer in Andy Sidaris’…
 

Savage Beach 


Ladies and Gentlemen WE ARE BACK!
THE WOMEN!
THE GUNS!
THE OVER THE TOP CRAZIEST ACTION SCENES!
Ah… 2017 is going to be a good year! All new 90’s Andy Sidaris’ Films to watch. Honestly what more could you want?!
Shit…I just remembered…the 90’s sucked and the world is in turmoil. Oh well let’s enjoy what we have left then.
Drug agents Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) crash-land on a remote island, rumored to have a gold treasure. Treasure isn’t the only thing on this island, war-gold seekers searching for their gold will do anything for riches.
Initial release: 1989
Director: Andy Sidaris
Screenplay: Andy Sidaris
Music composed by: Gary Stockdale

 

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