B-Movies

October 31, 2012

31 Nights of Halloween, Silent Night Deadly Night

Silent Night Deadly Night: Killer
(1984, 79mins, Horror)

Prologue: 

This was one of the fantastic films I saw at the Exhumed Film Festivals that I went too back in the good days. Like Burial Ground, Silent Night Deadly Night was one of my favorites that I saw there. I might even go as far as saying, Silent Night Deadly Night might be my favorite do to the sheer fun of watching this inside a packed theater at 2am. To see a film that came out way before I even step onto this planet inside a theater is one of the greatest pleasures I have ever had. There is something awesome about seeing a film like this on the big screen.


NAUGHTY!

The Opening:

The film starts out on Christmas Eve 1971, with the family driving to see their grandfather (who was Back to the Future’s Pa Peabody). Mom, Dad, Billy and Ricky come to talk to Grandpop, put he just stares straight when they try. Everyone then leaves except Billy, who Grandpop begins to talk too.

He asks, “You scared, ain’t ya? You should be! Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the year!” He then asked if Billy was good this year, Billy says no and Grandpop brings to laugh saying, “You see Santa Claus tonight you better run boy, you better run for ya life!” Then the parents just happen to come back in and Grandpop stops talking acting like he was before they had left.

We cut to a man robbing a convenience store. He’s dressed as Santa and shoots the convenience store guy dead. (I’m sure you can see where this is going)

“31 bucks. Merry fucking Christmas.”
We come back to the family driving, in which they run into our killer Santa on the side of the road. They stop to see if he needs help. He pulls out his gun and kills the father. Billy gets out and runs. The mother jumps out and Santa begins to rape her as Billy watches. Santa then kills the mother and screams out into the darkness for the boy.


NAUGHTY!

Then we cut to building with a sign that reads, Saint Mary’s Home for Orphaned Children. 


NAUGHTY!

From here on the fun begins! 


Officer Miller: “Can you believe this? It’s Christmas Eve and we got orders to bring in Santa Claus.” 

Review:

Silent Night Deadly Night is a fantastic B-Movie! 

It is a fantastic horror film and even in my house a fantastic Christmas film. If you have not seen this film it is a must. Sure the acting is atrocious and everything is over the top but it is a flat out good time, with so much comedy you will be laughing a ton. The gore, the 80’s nudity and the great story of a guy dressed up as Santa Claus killing the shit out of people is enough to compel anyone to watch this B-movie masterpiece. After the first time I saw this film I wanted to watch it again, that’s how much fun it is.

Anyone like a Classic 80’s Montage! 

Ira Sims: [at closing time] “Seven o’clock… it’s over! Time to get shit-faced!” 

NAUGHTY!


                                                                                    Epilogue:

When you finish this film, you will say to yourself. “Wow that was something, there is no way on earth they could make another that was better or even on par with the first one”.

Well guess what they DID! They made the greatest sequel of all time…

Now For (Drum Roll)…

Silent Night Deadly Night: Part 2!


NAUGHTY!

October 31, 2012

31 Nights of Halloween, Burial Ground

Burial Ground: Italian

(1981, 85mins, Horror)
Introduction:
The most famous unknown Zombie film!

Never would I thought I would review the classic Burial Ground. In a way it is a honor or maybe its not 😉

Sex, Zombie, Sex, more sex. Italian zombies and Italian sex!

Part 1: My first viewing

Years ago a group of my friends and I went to B-movie festivals late at night. Once every month we would go and watch 4-6 films. It would go way into the next morning, luckily usually it wasn’t a school night so it was cool with all the parents. The reason we went was because some films got so bad, they became extremely funny and had a ton of blood like,

Zombie Holocaust 

Prom Night
Blood Feast
Silent Night, Deadly Night
and More!
Burial Ground is one of my favorites that I saw there. And to see this and many films at a theater is a experience I will never forget, simply the greatest! Burial Ground left us all talking about that damn kid.
James: “You look just like a little whore, but I like that in a girl”. 
Part 2: Story
Burial Ground is a film by Andrea Bianchi. It stars mostly unknowns except two people. The beautiful Mariangela Giordano (The Mother) who is a Queen in the world of B-movies. And Peter Bark (The Son) who is a 25 years old guy playing a child. It’s extremely creepy on screen, for all the wrong reasons. I’m not even 25 yet and the fact they used him as the “child” blows my mind, just look at his face. I read the reason they used him was because of the Italian laws at the time. Do to all the sex, children could not be used in films. In fact this film might seem to have a ton of sex but it really doesn’t. During this time a ton of horror films had a lot more sex. But its the son that really makes this film a classic B, we will talk more on that later.

In the start of the film a scientist is studying the “undead” and during this time finds the undead. The zombies kill him and the film cuts to a group of couples coming to stay at the castle. It’s that fast.

Oh and everyone just happens to be horny at the start.
10 mins into the film we get the first sex scene where Michael (the son) peeks into. It is shot extremely weird, with a shadow getting bigger and bigger on a door till you see its him. The shot last a good minute which is way too long. Somethings happen happen and then another sex scene outside comes up. In the grass a zombie pops up from the ground, which is really cool. In fact not all but some of the zombies look really good. The makeup is pretty fantastic with maggots crawling all over. This really stands out in this film as the only good thing. I would like to note this happens about 20 mins into the film, so the film dives directly into zombies right away. Which I believe is do to the weak storyline, I guess they figured they needed to keep the viewers attention so they add two sex scenes and started the film with zombies. And it does work, it did on me. 
But…
Lets be honest here the story goes nowhere and not much gets accomplished in the film.

Mark: “You’re getting a raise out of me alright, but it has nothing to do with money”.
Part 3: Peter Bark (The Son)

I wanted to talk about him. Really not sure how but his IMDB page had a very good-straight to the point Bio so lets use that.

Mini Biography

Peter Bark was a supremely creepy and unnerving Italian midget thespian who bore an uncanny resemblance to a diminutive Dario Argento. He was reportedly born in 1955. Peter achieved his greatest enduring schlock cinema cult popularity with his unforgettably freaky and disturbing portrayal of Michael, a bratty, annoying and unhinged little boy who has an unhealthy Oedipal and incestuous relationship with his overly doting mother in the deliciously cheesy Italian zombie splatter cult classic “Burial Ground.” Alas, Bark’s regrettably sparse other movie roles were uncredited bit parts and he subsequently never became the major celluloid star he deserved to be. However,
despite this unfortunate tragedy Peter Bark nonetheless remains a much beloved figure amongst hardcore aficionados of choice trashy early 80’s Italian fright feature fare.
IMDb Mini Biography By: woodyanders

That really says it perfect!

Part 4: Son and Mother
1st Scene 
After stopping a rush of zombies into the castle, Michael sits with his mother on a sofa. Michael and his mother begin to make out with the classic porn moaning this film seems to use a lot of. Michael starts to touch his mother on her chest and says how he misses her breast like when he was younger. He begins to put his hand up her dress. The mother finally snaps out of it and slaps him across the face. Michael then runs away saying,




Michael: [after making sexual advances on his mother] “What’s wrong? I’m your son!”

He runs into Leslie, one of the girls who came to the house. She at this point is a zombie, clearly she is ( anyone with half a brain can see that) but Michael is so dumb he doesn’t see it. Leslie gets closer and closer.

The film cuts to the remaining group of people which to me becomes a classic laughable moment in any zombie film. The group decides to let the zombies in because as they say, we can stay out of reach because they’re slow.

Guess what was NOT a good idea?

2nd Scene 

The mother finds Michael getting eaten by Leslie (No shit Michael couldn’t tell?). She runs over to him and begins to cry, during this time Leslie the zombie sits there eating his flesh and not caring about her. First time I’ve seen a zombie gave up a juicy human.
We cut back to the group regretting the decision as they run away from the zombies.
3rd and most famous scene!
The group runs into the mother covered in blood crying about her son.  A few more minutes go by in the film and the gang seems to run around in a circle, why they just don’t take off is beyond me. They find a monastery near the castle and enter. And guess what, the monks are all…
Zombies!
Some leave and enter another damn building. This is where the movie ends. I will not tell you anything so you can watch it for yourself but it is stupid. Thou to end the Mother-Son weird relationship 
Michael comes walking in. The mother runs toward her stupid zombie son. Everyone yells No he’s dead! She apparently doesn’t see it, like Mother like Son. She holds him rubbing up on him. She allows his hands to pull out her left breast. She says, “go ahead, just like when you where younger”. He begins to suck on it, then bites down pulling the nipple off the breast!
Yeah some crazy shit.

Part 4: Wrap up.

This film is part of the many Sex/Zombie films that came out during this time. Mostly done by Italians, the voice dubbing is part of all the things that make these films funny. I think this is the very first “Smart zombie” films ever made. The zombies do work together and also use weapons. It’s the reason, along with the famous mother and son scene, I picked this film. It’s a staple in the history of Zombie films and one I think you should see.  I mean if all the moaning they used for the women sound like someone having sex isn’t enough, then what is anymore!!!
August 8, 2012

Killer Klowns From Outer Space

 Killer Klowns From Outer Space – Memories

I remember as a kid waking up early one morning before anyone in the house and taking advantage of the one TV that we had with HBO.  I turn the TV and one movie was just ending and the credits were just closing out.  I decided to wait and see what was coming up next and the next thing I hear is some faint circus music with what it seemed people laughing.  Next thing I know the credits flash on the screen, the guitars kick in and I see ‘Killer Klowns From Outer Space.”  With that, what I thought of b-movies would never be the same.

Most people have fears of clowns, personally I don’t get it, but yes, its real.  In “Killer Klowns” the plot is simple, and creepily effective.  A group of jolly klowns have come from some undisclosed planet to bring the citizens of Crescent Cove the chuckles, and promptly kill them in some quite humorous ways, ranging from killer popcorn to corrosive pies.

A lot of b-movies hold special places in my heart from “The Toxic Avenger” (which I will cover in another review) to “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama” (which I will cover in yet another review down the road).  I remember watching many of these fine films on either “Monstervision” with Joe Bob Briggs, “USA’s ‘Up All Night‘” with either Gilbert Gottfried or Rhonda Shear, and to a lesser degree, “Night Flight.”  Whenever I think about “Klowns” it takes me back to a simpler time when I wasn’t so worried about what I might be getting out of a movie, and instead just enjoying myself.

Fun Fact:  Coulrophobia is the fear of clowns with the prefix, -coulro, meaning “stilt walker” derived from Ancient Greek.

Welcome to the new home of SimplisticReviews.net - We're currently still working on the site. You might notice a few issues, please be patient with us. Thanks! (Store also in testing — no orders shall be fulfilled.)
Scroll to top