Boobies

February 25, 2015

Slaughter Film Presents: Action Movie Time Machine – Hard Ticket to Hawaii

BONKERS

Welcome back for another ride on the “Action Movie Time Machine”. This time we will be visiting another Andy Sidaris film. If you are easily offended by bodacious breasts and explosions, oh boy, this movie isn’t for you. And with that said, I have our destination programmed. All aboard!
The year is 1987. The hippie beatnik community mourns the loss of artist Andy Warhol. Bill Cosby wins back his ex-wife and save the cute little animals in “Leonard Part 6”. U2 hadn’t found what they were looking for and Andy Sidaris continued his boob-a-licious action epic with “Hard Ticket to Hawaii”, complete with it’s own theme song. ‘Cause that’s what all the greatest action flicks have — theme songs.
THE SKINNY
Hard Ticket to Hawaii” picks up right where “Malibu Express” leaves off. Or does it? What should be Cody Abaline and Contessa Lucianna meeting up in Hawaii for a sexy rendezvous, is instead Rowdy Abaline and Donna making love aboard the boat “Malibu Express”. For some reason the boat is the only thing that managed to live on in this spiritual sequel. It’s explained later that Cody is Rowdy’s cousin who has gone on to become an actor. Well, that explains that.
Donna, Dona Speir, is a Federal Agent living and working in Molokai Hawaii with her roommate and co-worker Taryn, Hope Marie Carlton, who is living in Hawaii as part of the witness protection program. In Las Vegas she witnessed some pretty heavy mob activity and now she is being protected by the government after testifying against mobsters. I’m sure this goes without saying, but both Donna and Taryn are played by former Playboy Playmates.
Though Donna is a Federal Agent, she and Taryn work as couriers. They fly packages and people in a single prop plane between the Hawaiian islands. During one of these trips, the girls are to deliver a touring couple to the remote end of the island so they can do it out in the open and not be disturbed. While doing so, a  crate containing a python that has been contaminated by cancer ridden rats is mistakenly lost and the killer python escapes onto the island. This isn’t important now, but we’ll see it again later.
Before the girls return home for the day, they interrupt a drug deal…or a diamond smuggling ring. I’m not sure which. A remote controlled helicopter is flown from Mr. Chang’s boat off the coast that is sent in to deliver diamonds to a group growing marijuana in the wilderness of the island, lead by Mr. Romero.
Just as the girls discover the diamonds, they are discovered by Romero’s hired muscle. With the use of nun-chucks and ninja stars the women manage to make it back to their plane and back to home. Here they relax topless in their jacuzzi while they figuring out what should be done with the diamonds.
Later that night, Donna and Taryn are attacked by more of Romero’s men. I guess it isn’t easy to make a clean get away with the name of the company you work for painted on the side of the airplane you’re escaping in. The girls manage to scare the goons off, but now they know they will need Rowdy’s help to save themselves and bring the criminals to justice.

As Rowdy and his partner Jade make their way to meet Donna, they are attacked by Romero’s men. This scene is fuckin’ bonkers! A man who goes by the name “Skater” rides his skateboard passed Rowdy’s jeep, concealing a shotgun behind a blow-up doll. Skater takes his shot, wounding Jade and Rowdy retaliates by firing a rocket at both Skater and then the blow-up doll, exploding them in mid-air. It is truly the work of a b-movie master.
Meanwhile, Edy, a local hotel and restaurant owner, is kidnapped by Romero’s men. They know that Edy has been helping the girls stay in touch with Rowdy and their Federal contacts. This isn’t so important to the story. It just adds urgency to the film.
Donna, Taryn, Rowdy & Jade develop a plan to rescue Edy, which they do, and in the process they blow away all of Romero’s hired goons. Now only he remains, and if he is going to save face with his employer/business partner, Mr. Chan, he will have to take care of Donna & Taryn himself.
While the gang is away, Romero infiltrates Donna’s home and catches her off guard. First he attacks her with a knife and she retaliates with a harpoon gun she stores in a closet. After composing himself he attacks again, but this time she disarms him and stabs him in the gut with his own knife. THEN, he attacks once more, but this attack is timed perfectly with the return of the cancer rat infected python that erupts out of the bathroom toilet. LOL! It bites Romero in the face and kills him FINALLY!
The infectious snake them makes a play for Donna and Rowdy returns in the nick of time to save his love by firing a rocket into it’s face — followed by the line; “Just when you thought it was safe to take a pee.”. LOL!
Rowdy & Donna then pay Mr. Chang a visit. How do they know who he is or how he’s involved? I have no idea. Donna draws her “hand cannon” on Mr. Chan and blows his ass out of a window.
And like the first film, this ends with all the remaining players involved aboard the Malibu Express celebrating a job well done.
THE VERDICT
Well Andy Sidaris has done it again. He took a simple premise and managed to jam as much crazy shit into it as humanly possible.
Much like the previous film, “Malibu Express”, this has mediocre acting and a convoluted story that left me asking myself a lot of questions when I say it for the first time. Having seen Hard Ticket a number of times, I now have a strong understanding of the story, but at one time there were A LOT of whos, whats & whys rolling around in my head. The reason for this is that there is so much back story for each character, which is so casually introduced, that much of it is easy to miss. Very little of which is actually important.
While the films of Sidaris often fall short of being great, I have to give him credit for putting so much effort into them. His films are independently produced and often straight to video. His use of flashy boats, high flying panes, fast cars, faster women and a healthy dose of explosions give his films the esthetic of having a higher budget than they actually had. Sidaris films are like any episode of “Magnum P. I.”, but with Tom Selleck replaced with a big breasted naked woman, plus three or four other wild elements like exploding snakes or exploding blow-up dolls for good measure.
These flashy things don’t make a his movies good, but they always seem to be filmed and produced with a certain level of skill and professionalism that adds a sense of quality to them, even if they have a jumbled story with plot twists that are beyond belief.
 
I believe this is why Andy Sidaris has such a loyal following of fans. His films aren’t masterpieces, but you will always know what you’re going to get and you’ll be entertained no matter what. Speaking of being entertained, “Hard Ticket to Hawaii” is only going to get a two bullet rating from me based on the technical stuff alone, but it gets ten bullet for shier fun!
Some last things to keep your eyes open for are movie posters from Andy’s previous films located in Donna & Taryn’s home. The informant who rats on Edy is the same cross-dressing man from “Malibu Express”, played by Michael A. Andrews. There is a manhole cover that is obviously just a painted trashcan lid. And finally, as Rowdy and the gang infiltrate the home of Romero to rescue Edy, He encounters one of Romero’s guards on the beach. He talks the guard into playing catch with a Frisbee only to replace the Frisbee with one that has razor blades imbedded in it. The blades cut off the guards fingers when he tries to catch it and then slices into his neck — killing him.
I’m Cory Carr and this concludes another trip on the “Action Movie Time Machine”. Until next time, Semper Fi Punk!
For more from Cory, check out his website slaughterfilm.com, where he and his good friend Forest Taylor record weekly podcasts, reviewing the films that are legendary, even in Hell!
February 17, 2015

Slaughter Film Presents: Action Movie Time Machine – Malibu Express

FLAT – but not flat chested

February has a lot going on. There is Valentines Day, Black History Month, Women In Horror Month, American Hearth Month, as well as about two-dozen other days devoted to nonsense like eating ice cream for breakfast. Also during this minimal month of made-up celebrations is the birthday of notable filmmaker Andy Sidaris. Every February 20th we at Slaughter Film try to sit down and watch a few of his films, Malibu Express being his fist independent feature. Before that Sidaris worked in television mostly, and since, he has developed quite the reputation of making films that showcase some of America’s finest “Bullets, Bombs & Babes”.

The year is 1985. Dairy Queen invents the “Blizzard”, Nintendo give birth to the Mario Brothers, Dr. Herbert West re-animates the dead in “Re-Animator” and Rock Hudson dies of AIDS.

THE SKINNY
Things kick off with Cody Abilene, Darby Hinton, a private investigator who lives on a boat, drives a red DeLorean and carries a .44 Magnum, even though he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with it. Cody is a native Texan who has moved to Malibu for work and along the way he has made friends of some pretty colorful characters. Some of which include his boat neighbors May and Faye, a big breasted stock car driver June Khnockers, all three of which are Playboy Playmates and Sexy Sally, a phone sex operator among others. Are you starting to notice a theme here?

 

As Cody investigates, he discovers that Lady Chamerlain’s nephew Stuart is secretly a cross dresser who has been sleeping with Sean the butler. Stuart’s wife, Anita, is also sleeping with Sean and so is Stuart’s sister Liza. Sean is an ex-con who owes a loan shark thirty thousand dollars and he also has a nasty habit of secretly recording and photographing the sex he is having with this family. Soon Sean winds up dead and the rest of the film becomes a “who-done-it?” with Sean being the keeper of everyone’s dirty laundry.
While Cody is trying to piece together the murder he manages to sleep with Contessa, his two hot boat neighbors, a local lady officer who Cody brings in for help, some random girl he borrows a car from, and, maybe a few others that I forgot about. I kinda lost count. There is also a sub-plot about a family a backwoods bumpkins who keep challenging Cody to a street race.
Cody finally gets close to the computer smuggling ring when he learns that Liza is good friends with Johnathan Harper, a computer salesman and exporter, and she plans to invest in his business. Cody apprehends Liza and Harper, but not before Harper’s men – Peter, Paul & Luke – try to rub out Cody.
With some quick help from June Khnockers, the stock car driver, she and Cody manage to lose the hired muscle in the desert.

The film ends with Cody throwing a party on his boat – named the “Malibu Express” by the way — to celebrate a job well done. He is accompanied by all the other major players, the various women he plowed and even Liza. Cody then tells them that Contessa wrote him a letter explaining to him that Sean was the person selling the computers to the smugglers and that she was the one who murdered him. She then planted evidence to frame Liza and even wore a mask to look like Liza when she did it. While Cody was perusing Sean’s killer, Contessa would be able to freely escape the country and no one would be the wiser that his death was an assassination.
The problem with this explanation is that Cody just told everyone, so all the cloak and dagger was for nothing. I assume what happens next is that the party turns into a giant boat orgy. The End.
THE VERDICT
“Malibu Express” isn’t one of Andy’s best. I attribute this to it being the first he both wrote and directed. It seems like he didn’t know if he wanted to make a spy movie, a murder mystery, a sex comedy or rip off “Smokey & the Bandit”. The action falls flat, as does the comedy and most of the plot. There are so many characters involved that it’s easy to forget who is doing what or why I should even care. The film starts with the notion that Soviet Russians are stealing computer secrets and by the end of the film the Russians have been brought up once, maybe. Not to mention the terrible ending where everything literally needs to be explained to the audience. In the medium of cinema, you mustn’t tell the audience what happened. You have to show them.
There is also a strange amount of jokes made at the expense of homosexuals. And not just characters in the film, but homosexuals in general. Not sure why these jokes were an important to the film but they stood out like a sore thumb.
The only thing that works in this movie, I’m sorry to say, are the topless women. Who am I kidding, I’m not sorry. These women are amazing!
The Playmates and the porn-stars in “Malibu Express” were all filmed during a time when breast implants weren’t yet popular, like they became in the ’90s, and before the terrible fashion sense of the later ’80s had taken hold. To compare these women to those of  the “Friday the 13th” franchise, they most resemble the women from the first four films. Happy-go-lucky, naturally cute, girl next good types. Where in the later “Friday” films the women were all big hair, terrible fashion and became generic unlikeable character types.
These women all had a great attitude and were not only fun to watch, but they seemed like they were having fun during the making of the film. Especially Lynda Wiesmeier, aka June Khnockers.
So in the end, we all learned that Andy Sidaris likes to make action movies that are teeming with titties and I learned, that I like that… If you’re interested in other boobie-action movies, check out my review of “The Lost Empire” by Jim Wynorski.
I’m Cory Carr and this concludes another trip on the “Action Movie Time Machine”. Until next time, Semper Fi Punk!
For more from Cory, check out his website slaughterfilm.com, where he and his good friend Forest Taylor record weekly podcasts, reviewing the films that are legendary, even in Hell!
October 26, 2012

31 Nights of Halloween, Click: The Calendar Girl Killer

 Click: The Calendar Girl Killer: Laughable

A perfect early 90’s horror film in all the wrong reasons.
If there is a word for beyond cheesiness it would fit for this film.

What we have here is another transvestite killer with some major mommy issues. I really don’t have much to say for this review, so I made a few notes for you while I watched.

Other then that, its a bad horror film. Fun if you have a pizza, beer and some friends come over to watch it but yeah other then that its pretty bad.


Some Notes While Watching! (Now with 40% Extra Denim!)

First bad line of the film, “You are gonna party to you die…keep the bubbles going”. Followed by some creepy laughing.

Wow another line, this one is better! “She’s a bitch…but she screws like a demon”. Followed by Two 90’s guys with mullets laughing.

Im going to use that line one day, somehow I will!

There is a moment when two people fall into a spa and get wet. Next shot they’re dry and only their hair is wet.

Denim vest! All I see is Denim in this shitty film!

The main guy is a photographer and his camera only has one lens!

Yep the guy crosses out the victims with red ink.(Thats how you know they’re dead…from being apart of this film. Hope to see my photo get crossed out with red ink soon!)

He goes to Chinatown looking for models. And apparently only finds white models. So no asian women in chinatown?… Thats kinda odd.

Stereo typical biker boyfriend with the black leather jacket, jeans and white t-shirt. Always a good sign in a film.

(Nothing happens for awhile, well something does but it goes nowhere)

90’s sex scene, with 90’s sex scene music!

And they have a tea kettle in front, blocking all the nudity! And yes the kettle goes off at the right “moment” of the 10 seconds of crappy sex.

Hey everyone! The killer looks like game show host Chuck Woolery!

90’s poolside slow-mo oil up scene, now with more denim!

Follows 90’s poolside fight scene also in slow-mo and with bad sound effects.

Finally some, Boobies!

Some stupit shit happens.

More bad dialogue.

The killer dresses up as a nurse with a wig and lipstick. It looks…bad.

He also talks. Which is clearly ADR at its worst.

More Boobies, but with strobe lights, which gets old very fast.

The strobe light is still going this time a murder is taking place which last a few mintues. Yeah a few mintues of fast flashing strobe light, I feel sick now thanks guys.

The fight scenes are soooooo bad.

Remember the main guy? The photographer with the one lens? Well it is officially the whole film, only one lens!

The killers outfit also has fake boobies and socks up to his/her knees.

The final fight scene is a “Jesus on the cross remake”, yep no lie. I uploaded it so you could watch it, if you like. The Biker boyfriend knocks the killer down and thinks its over, clear it’s not. The killer gets up and they both pick up torches to fight almost like a fight with swords. And thats it, it just ends.

Wow thats the film, Click…it really is bad, but funny…but still really Bad!

Welcome to the new home of SimplisticReviews.net - We're currently still working on the site. You might notice a few issues, please be patient with us. Thanks! (Store also in testing — no orders shall be fulfilled.)
Scroll to top