Bruce Willis

March 28, 2013

A Good Day to Die Hard

A Good Day to Die Hard: Bullshit

98mins/Action/2013

Might have some spoiling but hey this film spoiled all that was good in the Die Hard universe.

Apparently this was a Die Hard Film…

Die Hard is and will always be the best or one of the best action films ever. Its even in my mind of one of the best films period. Then they did Die Hard 2 which is fine you know its okay, it has wisecracking John McClane so it a fun film. Then we got Die Hard: With a Vengeance which is fantastic! With Samuel L. Jackson this film got very close to original Die Hard. But those two are kinda different, the biggest is Die Hard with a Vengeance’s scope is so much larger, this time it’s racing around New York. Compared too Die Hard which was pretty much 99.9% in a building (which just goes to show you how incredible that film is). Years later we got another one, Live Free or Die Hard. And at the time I had issues with it but it was just fine and I kinda left it at that (I’ll come back to this later).

Then this year we got A Good Day to Die Hard and boy did I die inside. I could make a long ass list of the issues with this film but its not worth your time. So here is just a small bit of the bullshit this film was.

Story is very weak

Plot holes coming out of its ass

Bruce Willis SUCKS…John McClane never shows up

Weak Villain

Shitty Directing.

A Ending that made me shake my head in pain.

His son (Listen he wasn’t that bad, clearly the film was written for him but I came to see John not Jack)

The stupid “Jack we thought you went to Russia and where doing drugs, bullshit, no dad I work for the CIA” It just doesn’t work for me.
And so on…

Action was way out there, going through like 4 floors into water at Chernobyl and just acting like it wasn’t anything. Oh shit and there is a scene where his son gets a piece of rebar in him and they talk and talk then hey lets pull that bar out and boom he’s all good and healed.

Okay so Bruce Willis WTF? He never seems like he wants to be here. The thing about McClane is he is a fantastic character and honestly his lines never seemed like McClane nor did Bruce who was just Bruce. I have a sad theory that the new GI Joe film will have him play a more McClane like character, and that’s not good.
The Ending is so shitty its just sad. Here is what I would do. I would have him get off the plane and meet is Wife and Daughter and BOOM they all die and we end the pain I must now go through in life knowing Die Hard has a shitty film like this. I hated that damn ending. The music, them talking and not hearing what they’re saying (I mean its fine but that went on for like 2 min’s and I kept saying what the hell are they saying?). Then it ends with John half of the screen. The shot was so off it made me very upset. Listen it sums up the film, Johns is half off in this film (Should of been on the poster).
So back to The Live Free or Die Hard. I didn’t care for it when it came out but I watched it again and you know what its so much better compared to this shitfest,  even Bruce seems and sounds like John, why did they not just end it on that one…Oh yeah greed, the number #1 Killer of movies today.
…Oh I paid to watch this. Hummm wonder why people watch movies online, oh yeah to save their hard earned money and not waste it on films that should of never been made…never!
And sorry for the rant with spelling errors but I’m writing this and I quickly started to run away…So depressed.



March 12, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews Podcast Late Edition: February 2013

Like the old cliche; “better late than never” The Simplistic Reviews Podcast is back, and we’re just as cliched as we were back in January.

In this February edition we wax poetic on the failings of non-Marvel Studios films, pass judgement on Bruce Willis’ latest John McClane adventure, “A Good Day To Die Hard,” and rip Seth MacFarlane a new one.

Plus, this time Matt is in the hot seat with another edition of “Word Association.”  From Harrison Ford to breast milk, nothing is off limits to Matt’s rage, while Justin and DJ have their feelings hurt by our cybernetic robo-babe, Julie.

All this and much more in our “late” February podcast, right here on Simplistic Reviews.

Click on the link below to download the podcast and enjoy folks!

Show Notes

Boycotting Non-Marvel Comic Films
A “Good” Day to “Die Hard”
Why Seth MacFarlane Sucks

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.

Click HERE to listen to podcast

Check us out on FacebookTwitter, and Pinterest
December 13, 2012

Happy Holidays: Pulp Fiction

Pulp Fiction – Coolest

Okay, you’re the new kid on the block, you just wowed people in Sundance and Cannes with “Reservoir Dogs,” you completed a script for “True Romance” and worked on a script with Oliver Stone for “Natural Born Killers.”  What do you do next if you’re Quentin Tarantino?  Well, you help resurrect John Travolta’s career, create a film that will change cinema forever, and turn Samuel L. Jackson into a Hollywood leading man (of sorts).  You simply create “Pulp Fiction,” for my money, the coolest film ever made.

To create the coolest film ever, you have to start with a cast, and “Fiction” gives a Woody Allen movie a run for its money cast-wise.  From Eric Stoltz, to Christopher Walken, and everyone in-between, you could say that everyone in this film gives the performances of their lives.  No one is mailing it in, and while some of the dialogue might come off a bit hokey and a little too noir-ish, the actors are giving it with conviction and believability.

To keep the cool factor going, you have to know you’re genre, and in Tarantino’s case, he uses every genre he’s ever loved and it shows.  You have blaxploitation, exploitation, french new wave, action, rape-revenge, buddy movie, the list can go on and on.  While you can call “Pulp” a drama film, I’d almost like to call it a homage to the essence of film.  It’s the best of what the genre can be in a tight 2 hour and 50 minute package.

As a side note, as much as people look into the film for it’s religious undertones, (Marcellus Wallace is the Devil, and Vincent and Jules are sent to get his soul back) get off of that already.  At the roots, “Pulp” is a grindhouse film at its best, and looking for deeper meaning in a grindhouse film is like looking for a virgin in the Catholic Church.  Get off your high horse cinephiles, for all we know it’s Wallace’s dirty laundry in the briefcase and it’s yellow because he pissed all over it.  Boom!  Mystery solved.

As for the plot of “Pulp” it goes a little like this.  Two hitman, Vincent and Jules, are sent by their boss, Marcellus Wallace, to procure a package from four men in an apartment.  Needless to say things get bloody, and both Vince and Jules need to lay low and dispose of a headless corpse in a trunk.  The plot moves to a series of vignettes that involve Vince, a boxer named Butch, played by Bruce Willis (I would also call this film a comeback of sorts for Willis as well) and a date with Vince and Wallace’s wife, Mia.  Needless to say, things don’t go so well with that either.  Moving along Butch pulls a fast one on Wallace when he doesn’t throw a boxing match in which Wallace loses a great deal of cash.  While Butch plots his escape from Los Angeles he gets sidetracked in the search for his missing gold watch.  Not to sound like a broken record but things turn sour for Vince, Butch, and Wallace himself.  Just like Tarantino’s previous outing, “Reservoir Dogs” the story is told in a non-linear fashion that keeps you guessing and even when characters meet their end you still end up seeing them again.

While many call “Pulp” the best film in Tarantino’s repertoire; it’s a tough call for me.  It’s groundbreaking in the development of indie cinema throughout the 1990s, and proved that good writing can be both dramatic, smart, cheesy, and funny as hell, but I’ll cover my favorite film of his in a future review.  Tarantino turned the mundane conversations of what they call Whoppers in Paris into high art and created a cultural zeitgeist.  He turned the inhuman into people that we can relate to, and while there is a good amount of violence in “Pulp” it never feels gory or overdone in a way that seems unneeded to move the story along.

You know how when you were a kid and you would tell someone “Hey, if you looked up the definition of stupid you’d find a picture of you next to it.”  Well, if you looked up coolest you would find a picture of Samuel L Jackson holding a 9mm with Tarantino standing behind him like a proud parent.

Fun Fact:  Recognize who played the waiter Buddy at Jack Rabbit Slims?  Well, that was Steve Buscemi, who played Mr. Pink in “Reservoir Dogs.”

October 21, 2012

Simplistic Reviews Presents: Word Association

The second feature for the upcoming Simplistic Reviews Podcast proves that all you need to make a great game show is a simple concept, catchy music, and a rather unorthodox announcer.  Welcome to Word Association.

August 24, 2012

Expendables 2

NOSTALGIC

You ever found yourself starting a diet but end up cheating a few weeks in by eating a box of chocolate frosted donuts?  That is what watching Expendables 2 is like.  You know they are fattening.  You know they are bad for you.  But for the brief time it takes you to scarf those donuts down, you’re in heaven.
The spectrum of action films usually breaks down like this:  SMART.  SMART FUNFUNDUMB FUN.  OR JUST PLAIN DUMB.  Expendables 2, like it’s predecessor, falls completely under the DUMB FUN category.  It is a half a beat away from being a full on parody.  And that is why you can’t be as mad with Expendables 2 as you can be with this or this
1.  Is the plot nonexistent?  Yes.
2.  Is the acting bad?  Yes.
3.  Is the action unrealistic?  Yes.
4.  Is Father Time catching up to most of the cast?  Yes.
5.  Do I like to list things?  Yes.
Expendables 2, however, relies on it’s NOSTALGIA while giving enough winks at the camera to make sure we remember what it is.  A dumb, yet, fun love letter to 80s guilty pleasure action films.  If you’re under the age of 25, this sort of NOSTALGIA might not hold any relevance.  But if you’re a child of the 80s and remember how awesome First Blood Part 2 was, or how joyfully insane Commandowas, or how over the top in a good way Bloodsport was, this is the box of donuts for you.  Go ahead….cheat on your diet a little….then tell me I’m wrong.   

July 19, 2012

Die Hard

 QUINTESSENTIAL

That budget wasting/cgi wasting/oxygen wasting Michael Bay has proven to us that anyone can do an action film. However, not just anyone can do it well. There is one action film that ALL other action films are judged to when it comes to greatest ever. And that is the QUINTESSENTIAL action film Die Hard. No, there wasn’t some racial stereotype of a robot blowing up random things under the shadow of the American flag while some Victoria’s Secret runway model struggles to put words together in an attempt to get the director’s d*ck hard. (I hate Transformers if that wasn’t clear)

No, there isn’t a square jawed, Zzzzzzzz…boring, goody-goody, untouchable, unflappable, hero that relates to the audience as equally well as a f*cking block of wood. No, the villain wasn’t some dumb faceless one note straw man for the hero to do battle with. Die Hard was about a regular guy who found himself in the wrong place at the wrong time against a sophisticated and scarily realistic criminal. Yes, it has explosions. Yes, it has one liners.(Possibly The Greatest Of All Time) Yes, it has unbelievable stunts. But at its core is a normal guy doing amazing things NOT to just save the day, but to survive. In doing that, Die Hard put us in the shoes…or bare feet…of John McClane….And that’s why it works so well. That’s why its the best. 
As far as legacy is concerned, it was the benchmark example on how to pitch and/or promote an action movie for years. “Its Die Hard in a grocery store!” “Its Die Hard in a school!” “Its Die Hard in space!” Terminator 2 comes close but Die Hard was the first action film to have the perfect balance of action, story, performances, comedy, and pure spectacle. If you’re one of the alarming number of people living under rocks and haven’t seen it, watch it. If you have seen it, watch it again….then tell me I’m wrong.
Welcome to the new home of SimplisticReviews.net - We're currently still working on the site. You might notice a few issues, please be patient with us. Thanks! (Store also in testing — no orders shall be fulfilled.)
Scroll to top