christmas

December 21, 2018

(Ep. 114): The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: December 2018

Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good podcast! The Simplistic Reviews Podcast is back to jingle some bells and deck some halls with Simon Appleton from Moustache Movie News. We ask the expert in all things U.K. everything from Brexit, the metric system, and Meghan Markel…we also take a break to read some Christmas cards sent to Santa, much to the chagrin of our Jewish cohost Matthew Stewart. We also bring back one of our favorite games, Simplistic Titles, to see if Simon knows what movies are real and which ones come from the dark recesses of DJ Valentine’s twisted mind. All that reindeer crap and more on a fa-la-la-la-loaded episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast

MUSIC
Deck The Halls By Album House
Hark The Herald Angels Sing By Album House
Jingle Bells By Album House
O Little Town Of Bethlehem By Album House
We Wish You An Indie Christmas By Aaron Tosti
Happy Christmas Deck The Halls By Be Still The Earth
8-Bit Blues By Fairlight
Move By OBOY

NOTES
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Audition
Aladdin First Look
Lindsey Lohan Beach Club

December 17, 2017

(Ep. 95): Elves – Movie Commentary: December 2017

Elves

R

1989 ‧ Drama/Horror ‧ 1h 29m

_________________________________________________________________________________

A department-store Santa Claus (Dan Haggerty) discovers a Neo-Nazi plot to mate a nice girl (Julie Austin) with an elf in Colorado.

Release date:  October 24, 1989
Director: Jeffrey Mandel
Screenplay: Jeffrey Mandel
Music composed by: Vladimir Horunzhy

That time of the year is back when the gang sits around and watches nothing but terrible holiday themed movies.

Today is not only our first appearance of Dan Haggerty here at Simplistic Reviews but also a ending for a movie that flabbergasted DJ. I suppose this would already be enough for a Movie Commentary but nope…that’s not all. We also have a homeless department store Santa investigating a modern-day Neo-Nazi plot to finally bring about the master race that Hitler had always dreamed of.

Instead of a race of pure-blood Aryans, it is revealed that Hitler dreamed of a race of half-human/half-elf hybrids.

Yep… what a movie everyone. So grab that egg nog and sit back, things are about to get weird.

Merry Christmas!

P.S. Enjoy the Elves because next week is a cold one set on a tropical island. Try not to question it.

   

December 23, 2015

The Simplistic Reviews Podcast (Ep. 60) December 2015

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

On this holiday episode of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast, Matthew’s Judeism is put to the test, Justin continues to try and make sense of the Prequels, DJ laments over Die Hard, and the boys have a hell of a time writing letters to Santa, spinning dreidels and breaking down the finale of Fargo.  All this and more on a Ho-Ho-Ho Holiday Show.


NOTES

Quentin vs Disney
Independence Day 2 Trailer
TMNT 2 Trailer
X-Men: Apocalypse Trailer

MUSIC
Die Hard Score By Michael Kamen
Couple Of Misfits By Burt Ives
Christmas Time Is Here By Vince Guaraldi Trio
Christmas In Hollis By Run D.M.C.
Ode To Joy By Ludwig van Beethoven

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April 16, 2015

Simplistic Talk: Things to take away from the newest Star Wars: The Force Awakens Teaser #2

Sorry “Batman V Superman” you lose again. Sure, it’s over a year until your film is released, but there is only so much dick teasing people can take before they are going to forget about you and move on to the next best thing; and that “next best thing” is obvious; the unveiling of the newest “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” trailer, and awakens is a perfect term for this; it awoke my inner child, and while I’m still a huge cynic, which so many people can attest to, and I’ll still troll to get a rise out of people, that doesn’t take away the fact that next to this year’s “Mad Max: Fury Road” this Jew can’t wait for this Hanukkah gift come Christmas.

Moving on from fan boying, which I really hate to do, the real purpose of this article is to point out some of the more obvious, and maybe one not so obvious thing from this newest trailer, which you can check out right HERE. So here we go:

One of the main things that we learned today is that the desert planet that we thought was Tatooine, is in fact the desert planet of Jakku. Will Tatooine still make an appearance somewhere in this film, or the other two films in this newest trilogy, I’m sure.

As you can see from the picture above we have both a downed X-Wing and a downed Star Destroyer. What we don’t know is when and where this takes place. As we know the Rebellion took place all over the galaxy and there are likely downed ships on every planet. Is this Jakku, Tatooine, or some other unnamed desert planet we don’t know about yet?

We also get our first look at charred remains of Darth Vader’s helmet above. The last we saw of this helmet was during the funeral pyre scene on Endor in “Return of the Jedi.” Was Vader’s helmet found by someone, is it being used in some sort of propaganda by the newly re-formed Galactic Empire, or is it in some sort of war museum.

Next we see our old friend R2-D2, and a metal hand. Conventional wisdom would say this is obviously Luke Skywalker seeing his old friend again. As we know, JJ Abrams likes to play with people’s heads, so could this be a misguide. I’m sure a lot of people lost hands and arms during the Rebellion.

Here is one of the most interesting scenes in the trailer. On the surface we see a lightsaber being handed to someone off screen. If you look closely, however, you will notice that this is some type of alien being handing a lightsaber to someone off-screen. Knowing the species might go a long way in explaining what is possible in this scene.

Here is a better shot of one of our principle characters, Poe Dameron, played by Oscar Issac. It’s clear he is still fighting the good fight for the Rebellion, and having a hell of a time doing it.

Here is our best shot so far of the newest “Sith” threat, Kylo Ren. I especially like his Kanye West glasses, and he pretty much looks like Snake Eyes from “G.I. Joe.” Conventional wisdom would say Ren is a Sith, but could be be something else?

Now, this could just be speculation, but I find this frame to be very interesting. Here we have the newest version of the Galactic Empire symbol overlayed with one of our newest character’s Rey, played by Daisy Ridley. We all think that Rey is supposed to be one of our newest heroes joining the fight against evil, but could this all be a ploy and she is actually a villain, maybe even Kylo Ren? Or could she be a former member of the Empire looking for revenge or penance for her crimes against the Rebels?

In this scene we see Finn, played by John Boyega, in a Stormtrooper uniform with what seems to be a bloody hand print on his helmet. Are Stormtroopers nothing more that roving death squads going from planet to planet exterminating any rebel sympathizers? 

This is one of my favorite things in the teaser; a bad ass silver Stormtrooper with what looks to be a red cloak. It almost seems like a mash-up between an Imperial Guard and the conventional Stormtrooper. The interior also resembles an Imperial Star Destroyer with some cave-like attributes. Has the Empire gone underground?

Here is a better shot of Finn in what resembles either a fly-ass Michael Jackson jacket, or see below:

Could Finn be related in some way to General Panaka from “The Phantom Menace” or be the son or nephew of Gregar Typho, the nephew of Panaka. I know a lot of people want to forget about the prequels and any and everything to do with them, but just going off the fresh gear that Finn is rocking, could he have been an officer in Naboo’s military, or is he incognito while hiding on Jakku.

Here’ a better look at our new TIE Fighter pilots. The red on their helmets and uniforms make we think that the Sith have a tighter grip on the new Empire and have pretty much become one.

Of course here is the still when all the fanboys lost it and creamed their pants; the first look at Han and Chewbacca. 30 years seem to have treated Han well, for the most part, and it’s just an awesome thing to see both of these guys back. The still doesn’t say much but when Han says “Chewie……we’re home….” its not only chilling, but is he talking about being back on the Millenium Falcon, or maybe back in Mos Eisley Cantina. Either way, I’m cool with it.

So that’s about it. What do you guys think. Personally, I’m probably talking out of my ass about most of it, but I’ve provided you with plenty of ammo, so fire away, and may The Force Be With You…

December 19, 2014

Slaughter Film Presents: Action Movie Time Machine – Jingle All the Way

GOOFY FUN

It is the holiday season and I bet you in the mood for something snowy and action packed. Am I right? Well all aboard the “Action Movie Time Machine” as we’ll be jingling all the way to some mid ‘90s holiday fun.
Hey! Quit your bitchin’, it’s got Arnold in it. Oh okay, if you are looking for a seriousaction flick that takes place during the holidays, you might want to check out “Long Kiss Goodnight” starring Geena Davis and Samuel L. Jackson. But of course there is always “Die Hard”.
The year is 1996. The “Macarena” was a suicide educing dance craze that was storming the nation. It helped some forget the death of rapper Tupac. The “Uni-Bomber” was brought to justice, and the Nintendo 64 made it’s debut.
THE SKINNY
Our tale begins with Howard Langston, Arnold Schwarzenegger, an overworked executive who has made a bad habit of putting his job before his wife and son, Liz and Jamie. Howard recently forgot to go to his Jamie’s karate exhibition and now it’s the last stray. If Howard screws up one more time, he’ll lose them both for sure.
And just such an opportunity presents itself with Christmas. Liz told Howard months ago that he should pick up the wildly popular “Turbo Man” action figure for their son. “Turbo Man” is the new “Tickle Me Elmo” , every kid wants one, even Jamie, Jake Lloyd. Turbo Man is his favorite thing in the whole world. It goes without saying that Howard forgets to buy the toy, and the rest of the film is Howard frantically fumbling around like a man-baby trying not to disappoint his son.
The problem is that Howard isn’t the only one on the hunt for a Turbo Man. While at the local mall, traversing the waves of fat, last minute, toy hungry shoppers, he encounters Myron, Sinbad, a postal worker also on the hunt for Turbo Man. Howard and Myron compete against each other to land themselves a Turbo Man in time for Christmas. Hijinx ensue and neither man has their toy.
This lands Howard in the back of a warehouse looking to buy a “hot” Turbo Man from an underground league of hired Santas lead by “Mall Santa“, Jim Belushi. When Howard realizes that he’s being ripped off, he calls ‘em on it and a fight breaks out between Howard and “Huge Santa” played by Paul “The Big Show” Wight. Hijinx ensue and again, Howard is without the toy. There is also a tiny Santa played by Vern Troyer. “Jingle All the Way” is a regular Who’s Who.
Some other hijinx ensue that involve bombing a radio station, setting a neighbor’s house on fire and punching a reindeer in the face, then getting it hammered. Every word I just said is 100% true.

 

Liz and Jamie head downtown to watch the annual holiday parade with their neighbor Ted,Phil Hartman, and his son. Howard known that Ted is a bit of a Casanova, and when he sees them leave together he suspects the worst. Also, Howard knows that there will be a Turbo Man giveaway. He has to act quick if he’s going to save Christmas, as well as his family.
Once Howard arrives he is spotted by parade staff and is mistaken for the actor who will be donning the Turbo Man costume for the parade, and is quickly packed into the suit.
Howard does a pretty good job playing the part, even performing with other Turbo Man characters, until Myron shows up dressed as Turbo Man’s arch nemesis, Dementor. The rest of the film plays out like a plot from an old superhero serial. Dementor holds Jamie ransom until his demands of a Turbo Man toy are met, and Turbo Man uses his jet pack to rescue Jamie, vanquish Dementor and save the day.
In the end, Howard had to become his son’s real life hero in order to earn his love. The End.
THE VERDICT
Well, that’s “Jingle All the Way”. It wouldn’t otherwise warrant an “Action Movie Time Machine” review, since it is a family film. A goofy one at that. But it is fun. It falls somewhere between it’s so bad it’s good and genuinely funny. Which is a strange way to describe it. The comedy isn’t strong, typical for a family film, but there are also some comedic gems hidden here and there.
It follows the standard formula of; A protagonist who is work obsessed and neglects his family. Something external forces this dummy to re-evaluate his priorities and apply himself. In this case it is his wife and son. Along the way hijinx ensue. This formula is the only way television execs make sit-coms anymore. And that’s why shows like “According to Jim” suck so hard.
What makes this film worth watching is all the “other stuff“. Seeing Schwarzenegger in his prime, acting like such a goof is a lot of fun. Almost as much fun as “Last Action Hero”. Playing the sit-com formula for slapstick laughs, juxtaposed against his bullet riddled and blood drenched career, for some reason, brings me joy.
Phil Hartman is the shit. It’s a shame there wasn’t more room for him in this film. He is a total highlight. Everything he has ever done is hilarious. The Pee-Wee Herman Show, News Radio, The Simpsons, SNL — all gold! Sinbad isn’t half bad either. A lot of his postal worker traits and comments flew under the radar when I saw this as a kid, but as an adult, I caught every perverted and insane one of the.
The  stuff I don’t like so much about “Jingle All the Way”, like the big headed annoying kid and the stereotypical force family feelings, are easy to overlook. After all, it’s a holiday picture. There aren’t too many of them out there that stray from family feelings this time of year. And ya gotta love a movie with superheroes, even if they’re made up.
One other quick thing I like about “Jingle All the Way” is the toys. When Arnold is running around the mall you get to see all kinds of now vintage toys on the shelves. Oh the nostalgia. This is also a fun game to play while watching “Silent Night, Deadly Night”, a not so family friendly holiday movie.
So if you’re in the mood for something different — something you can watch with the kiddies, “Jingle All the Way” is for you.
I’m Cory Carr and this concludes another trip on the “Action Movie Time Machine”. Until next time, Happy Holidays Punk!
For more from Cory, check out his website slaughterfilm.com, where he and his good friend Forest Taylor record weekly podcasts, reviewing the films that are legendary, even in Hell!
December 11, 2014

The Simplistic Reviews Podcast (Ep. 34): December 2014 Holiday Edition

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

Ho-Ho-Holy Sh%t!   It’s December again and the boys at Simplistic Reviews has a show full of holiday cheer.  They’ve got partridges…pear trees….dreidels…Santa letters/threats…Olaf the snowman from Frozen…black stormtroopers…Kevin Feige: Stand-Up Comedian…megalomaniac Mickey Mouse…holiday movie spoilers…all that and more on the 2014 Holiday Edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

Show Notes:
Star Wars Trailer
Suicide Squad Casting
Spectre
Stand-Up Comedian from the 80s Fashion

Music Notes:
Christmas Is All Around Us By Billy Mack
My Flows is Tight By Lord Digga
Christmas Vacation By Mavis Staples
Christmas Time Is Here By The Vince Guaraldi Trio 

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December 25, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: December Holiday Edition

‘Tis the season to talk movies and TV…and R.Kelly…and…um… Jolene Blalock’s disappearance…and Lara Flynn Boyle?  I’m pretty sure that’s not how the song goes.

An oddly optimistic Justin Polizzi makes his triumphant return and unveils his latest character impression.  Neal DaSouza joins us again to talk some anime and take dictation.  DJ is confused over the midseason finale of The Walking Dead and discovers he has some sort of Die Hard Tourette’s Syndrome.  Matt starts an all out war between people of the Jewish faith and jolly ol’ Saint Nick in a new segment called Dear Santa.  And a crippled little boy is able to walk again at the end.  It’s a Christmas Miracle!  Sorry, that last bit I made up or partially stole from Charles Dickens.  But I swear, the rest of that stuff does happen on the holiday edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

Show Notes:
Ellis From Die Hard
Police Academy
R.Kelly Cookie Song
Detective Quentin Lance
Akira
Jolene Blalock
Lara Flynn Boyle Is Melting

Music:
“Holiday Road” By Lindsey Buckingham
“Christmas In Hollis” By Run D.M.C.
“Christmas Time Is Here” By Vince Guaraldi
“The Best” By Tina Turner
“Let It Snow” By Vaughn Monroe


FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.

Click HERE to listen to podcast

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October 3, 2013

Simplistic Reviews Presents: Simply Horrifying featuring Tales from the Crypt Ep. 01

October is here and now is the time for the creeps and ghouls to infest your web browsers, and I”m not just talking about those adult sites that you frequent when your wife or husband aren’t around.  No judgement.  But October is that time of the year where things get a little spooky and Simplistic Reviews welcomes everything creepy with open arms, paws, claws, webbed-feet, anything else that some mythical or murderous creature might have to grab things with.

HBO’s “Tales from the Crypt” was a show that paid homage to the EC Comics from the 1950s.  Grisly images, paired with tales of morality which caught the ire of the US Government who went as far as to hold Senate Hearings about how comics were corrupting the nation’s youth and driving a hearse straight to Hell.  Sounds like my type of comic books.  William Gaines, creator of the Tales from the Crypt comic line, was a pioneer in the industry and you can call him the Stan Lee of Horror Comics.  Come 1989, the geniuses at HBO decided it was time to pay tribute to EC and create a weekly half-horror horror show every Sunday, aptly named, “Tales from the Crypt.”  Running nearly 100 episodes, from 1989 to 1995, “Tales” were comics come to life way before we had the Marvel Comics films.

As this series progresses, your host, Matt, will present his favorite episodes from all seven seasons.  The episodes will not be ranked and will only be classified by the season in which they appeared.  It’s like trying to pick your favorite child, unless its the child that cries in public, throws food on the floor, and wets the bed.  That one is a winner!

So, in this first installment, “And All Through the House” is explained away.  There are a lot of cool aspects to this episode, namely, director Robert Zemeckis helmed this episode, and this is the only episode from the series that uses Christmas as the backdrop.

Check out the video companion above and prepare to enter “Tales from the Crypt.”  If you dare…….

December 31, 2012

Happy Holidays: Django Unchained

Django Unchained – Conversation

I’ve been hearing this a lot lately;  “Tarantino is back…..classic Tarantino,” blah, blah, blah.  My question is; “What would you call classic Tarantino?”  Yes, he’s known for his witty dialogue, mind-bending plot twists, and recently, alternative takes on important periods in U.S. and European history.  But I reiterate; “What would you call classic Tarantino?”  My answer:  There’s no such thing!  People like to come off as smarter than they are, myself included, but of course I’m reviewing movies so I need to come off as a little bit of an expert, aka, dickhead.  Tarantino is Tarantino, you can’t say any of his work is “classic Tarantino” because every film he makes is entirely original and nothing like the previous film he made.  Here’s a practical example of two other directors to prove my point:  Take Ridley Scott.  He is known for his sci-fi epics, “Alien” and “Blade Runner.”  After those two films he went in entirely different directions, please see “Gladiator” and “Matchstick Men” as examples.  Classic Scott would be sci-fi, and he went back to that with ‘Prometheus” with mixed results.  Another director would be William Friedkin, known for taut thrillers and exciting crime work, please see “The French Connection” for a excellent example.  Friedkin left those movies for a while but returned with “Killer Joe” a taut thriller that keeps you on your toes with plenty of violence.  “Joe” would be classic Friedkin.  Digressing, enough talk about “Classic Tarantino.” Yes, you can say a movie of his is a classic but enough saying “Classic Tarantino.”  I feel it’s something that someone says whose only seen “Kill Bill” and “Inglorious Basterds.”  Sorry, I had to get that off my chest, but this brings me to Tarantino’s newest “classic” the Southern-fried Spaghetti Western “Django Unchained.”

“Django” is a modern day “Birth of a Nation,” only with more guns, more talking, and the white man getting his comeuppance.  It’s intriguing, noteworthy, timely, violent, offensive, and thought-provoking.  Not since 1997’s “Amistad” has the issue of slavery been covered in such an unflattering light.  Whereas Steven Spielberg directed “Amistad” with his usual gravitas that includes a two-and-a-half hour history lesson, Tarantino directs with HIS usual gravitas that includes memorable characters, witty dialogue, graphic, sudden violence, but this time, with more maturity.  I might add that Tarantino had the added challenge of directing his first movie without the assistance of late-editor, Sally Menke, who passed away shortly after the premier of “Inglorious Basterds” in 2010.

Tarantino uses both the original 1960s “Django” film, starring Franco Nero, (who he also gives credit to during the opening credits for “Django”) and the much-maligned (and probably still is) film “Mandingo” as a template for his newest blood-soaked revenge opus.  We follow Django, played with much restraint by Jamie Foxx, as he and Dr. King Schultz, a dentist turned bounty hunter played by Christoph Waltz, set out from Texas to Tennessee and into the dark heart of Mississippi to collect bounties and save Django’s wife, Broomhilda, from the evil clutches of plantation owner Calvin Candie, played with conviction and maniacal delight by Leonardo DiCaprio.  Once again, the plot is easy to follow and unlike much Tarantino fare, is streamlined and doesn’t deviate into his non-linear storytelling aside from a few flashbacks of both Django and Broomhilda.  In typical Tarantino fashion, he is also able to find humor in dark subject matter which ranges from KKK riders who are having disguise issues to cameos by the likes of Don Johnson playing a slave-owning Colonel Sanders, and Tarantino himself as an Australian slaver.

If you’re a fan of Sergio Leone, or any Western, you’ll love the vast landscapes that Tarantino uses to great effect and moments of tension between characters.  It’s much like “Basterds” where the tension usually pays off with a grand crescendo of violence, blood, and dead bodies.  Contrary to what people might say about the violence in “Django,” its nowhere as bad as some of the other stuff that is out there, but I think it’s the context in which the violence is portrayed that might get some people’s goats.  Aside from the physical violence, which runs the gamut of black on black, white on black, and black on white, there is also the assault of the dreaded “N-word.” dum-dum-dum……the word that people still try and skate around as much as they can.  However, I don’t have a problem with Tarantino’s use of the word, especially in “Django.” Spike Lee might have an issue with it, but when you haven’t made a movie that matters since “Inside Man,” I’d be a grumpy, short, black guy too.  The word pretty much takes on a character in-and-of itself.  It flows freely throughout the film, but you know what, it flowed freely in 1858, and it still flows freely today.  No matter your creed or race, everyone has said the word, either out loud or under their breathe.  George Carlin gave us the “Seven Words That You Can’t Say,” and thank goodness he didn’t put this on the list.

Maybe it’s my white guilt, but yes, I have black friends.  Does that give me the excuse to use the “N-word?” No, it doesn’t.  There really isn’t a need to use the word at all, but we still use it, even in casual conversation. While I was watching “Django,” in a packed theater, I knew the dialogue was going to be chalk full of “the word that shall not be named,” so i was waiting to hear some noise when stars like DiCaprio and Samuel L. Jackson starting dropping the “N-bomb” like it was going out of style.  But, alas, not a peep.  Perhaps people were prepared to hear that type of language, and if you’ve seen “Jackie Brown” you know that Tarantino loves using it in a casual sense.  The reason this word is effective, and makes sense in “Django,” is the context.  Yes, slavers and plantation owners used this word freely (of course I don’t know that for sure, but what would you expect racist slave owners to say in the 1850s).  Tarantino’s dialogue has always been known to be both direct, and a zeitgeist for the time and place the story is taking place in.  He takes ugly language and somehow makes it beautiful and poetic.

The one problem I did have with “Django” was ironically enough the music.  Usually the music that QT picks is almost as important as his dialogue and characters, but this time around it seems like a cash-in.  There’s original music from John Legend and Rick Ross (the first time in a Tarantino film that music was actually written for his films), and while you’re not going to include music from the 1850s, why include the 808-thumping sounds of Ross.  In a film full of good ideas, this was by far the most awkward and perplexing.  It almost felt like a cheap MTV-type movie gimmick, see the trailer for “Gangster Squad” as a prime example.     

As most of Tarantino’s films, there will be a lot of conversation about the violence, language, and how he takes portions of genre films that he loved and makes them his own.  But I find “Django” his most polarizing film.  You already have the line in the sand where many people think that he is tearing the scab off the topic of slavery and uncovering the ugly, but true, side to life in the South for African-Americans in the 1850s.  Others are saying the violence is too much in a post-Newtown world, while I’m saying, relax!  Sorry social crusaders, it’s a movie, or maybe this time, it’s a little more than a movie.  Maybe it’s time to have a conversation about our ugly past.  Since the founding of our nation we have been gun-toting, slave-buying, violent jingoists.  As a society we crave violence in our films, video games, and news.  But the moment something tragic occurs it’s time to tone it back.  Enough toning back, we have to face our past demons and prepare for new ones that are sure to come.  While “Django Unchained” might not be Tarantino’s best film, it’s an example of filmmaking where someone decides that we can’t keep looking at our past through rose-colored glasses.  There were some despicable things, and people, in the work-up to the Civil War, and whether you like his style or not, no one spins a story quite like Quentin Tarantino who re-writes history again, sort of, with “Django Unchained.”

Fun Fact:  The story of Broomhilda, or Brynhildr, is an old German legend that involves a Norse Valkyrie.  She was later popularized by Richard Wagner’s “Ring” cycle opera series.

December 24, 2012

Happy Holidays: Kill Bill

Kill Bill – Feet

After the brilliance of “Jackie Brown” and showing his critics that he wasn’t just an exploiter of violence, our old friend, Quentin Tarantino, stood up, brushed the dirt off of his shoulders, straightened his tie, and said “Guess what motherfu*cker, I’m going to do an old-school kung-fu flick now!  What!”

Of course that’s not what he said, but it would have been bad-ass if he did nonetheless.  After all the accolades of both “Pulp Fiction” and “Brown,” Tarantino decided to work on his first pet project.  A true genre film that centered around one woman and her blood-thirsty quest for revenge against a group of assassins that tried to murder her on her wedding day.  That movie(s) is “Kill Bill” or as I like to call it “Uma’s Got Some Hammertoe.”

*I will be reviewing these films (Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2) as one film.  Sure, I could split it up into two reviews and make you wait for the second one just like QT made us wait in the theaters, but since it’s the holiday season, I’ll do you guys a solid.

As mentioned above, the core of “Bill” is a revenge film, wrapped in a Shaw Bros. movie, encased in a Shakespearean tragedy, tied up with a nice bloody bow.  You can take Tarantino’s three previous films and throw them out the window; “Kill Bill” is a love letter to a by-gone era of 1970s chop-socky karate flicks that members of the Wu-Tang Clan were getting high to back in the early 1990s. (side note:  RZA of the Wu-Tang Clan was the music supervisor for Vol 1.)

Across a four-plus hour epic, if watched back-to-back, Tarantino takes us on a blood-spattered journey with The Bride, our protagonist, as she extracts revenge the best way she knows how; with a samurai sword crated by Hattori Hanzo and the Five-Finger Exploding Heart Technique taught to her by Pai Mei, the mysterious karate master.  If you grew up in the golden age of karate movies, watched “The Green Hornet” or were “Protectin’ Ya Neck” with the Wu back in 1993, Tarantino creates a world that you can still put in the same universe as “Pulp Fiction” and “Jackie Brown” but fashions it in a way that makes it seem other-worldly.

The plot is simple, but its the way that Tarantino weaves this revenge yarn that’s the treat.  Told through a series of flashbacks and his trademark non-linear format, we see The Bride training with Pai Mei, learn how to walk again starting with just one wiggle of one toe, her vengeance on the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, and finally her face-off with Bill himself.  Oh, I almost forgot;  plenty of Uma Thurman feet through both films.  No need to head over to your local adult video store if you love feet, because Tarantino shares your tastes.

I know I might be selling this movie short, and I’m withholding a ton of information, including plot twists, but my recommendation is to stop reading this review, go out and buy “Kill Bill” and enjoy it for all it’s worth.  Thurman’s turn as the killer bride is good, but its funny how she all but fell off the face of Hollywood after what you might call her magnum opus.  One of David Carradine’s last roles as Bill is almost as iconic as his turn as Caine in “Kung-Fu,” and the fight scenes, as over-stylized as they are, are extremely fun to watch with plenty of arterial spray.  Chill…..have a pill, and watch “Kill Bill.”

Fun Fact:  If you want to get creative you could call “Fox Force Five,” first mentioned by Mia Wallace in “Pulp Fiction,” as a precursor to the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad.  There was a Black fox, Asian fox, French fox, and two American foxes.  Coincidence?

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