Die Hard

December 21, 2018

(Ep. 114): The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: December 2018

Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good podcast! The Simplistic Reviews Podcast is back to jingle some bells and deck some halls with Simon Appleton from Moustache Movie News. We ask the expert in all things U.K. everything from Brexit, the metric system, and Meghan Markel…we also take a break to read some Christmas cards sent to Santa, much to the chagrin of our Jewish cohost Matthew Stewart. We also bring back one of our favorite games, Simplistic Titles, to see if Simon knows what movies are real and which ones come from the dark recesses of DJ Valentine’s twisted mind. All that reindeer crap and more on a fa-la-la-la-loaded episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast

MUSIC
Deck The Halls By Album House
Hark The Herald Angels Sing By Album House
Jingle Bells By Album House
O Little Town Of Bethlehem By Album House
We Wish You An Indie Christmas By Aaron Tosti
Happy Christmas Deck The Halls By Be Still The Earth
8-Bit Blues By Fairlight
Move By OBOY

NOTES
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Audition
Aladdin First Look
Lindsey Lohan Beach Club

May 24, 2017

The Best of Armond White: (A Retrospective) Part Three

So we gave it a break last week, but let’s jump right back into our Armond White Retrospective. In this edition, we are going to look at the times when both the public and Mr. White actually saw eye to eye on films that are, at least according to Rotten Tomatoes, Certified Fresh.

Arrival: 93% RT Approval

Armond Says: Though a second-rate, semi-profound art movie, Arrival is nonetheless an ambitious demonstration of how the media manipulate our perception and our experience

Matt Says: Even with a backhanded compliment, the point is made clearly about how media affects the way we feel and react
to things.

The Player: 98% RT Approval 


Armond Says: The Player, which Altman made after years of struggle, with all Hollywood fascination worn away, is Altman’s dour version of Dante’s Inferno. His satire forces us to realize the obscenity of Clinton-era corruption – once again.

Matt Says: The Player is likley Robert Altman’s forgotten masterpiece, that deserves multiple viewings.

Kubo and the Two Strings: 97% RT Approval 

Armond Says: Kubo is a delicate tale addressing today’s sense of moral bereavement. This is conveyed through the boy’s search for the father he never knew. Little Kubo’s gallantry parallels the desperation of youth from broken families.

Matt Says: While I will mention the fact that Mr. White loves
nearly all animation, as long as it isn’t Pixar or Disney, I can’t
argue with how great “Kubo” is and it narrative works on
so many levels, and it’s emotion runs deep.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes: 81% RT Approval 

Armond Says: It is easily the best American movie of this corrupted summer.

Matts Says: This corrupted Summer? Let’s take a look; Iron
Man 2, The Last Airbender, Shrek Forever After, Grown Ups…
yeah, pretty bad. But 81% for “Rise” that’s almost criminal.

True Grit (2010): 96% RT Approval 


Armond Says: True Grit speaks to our current moment of vengeful, moral uncertainty. It continues the same revamped Americana that distinguished the Coens’ sophisticated remake of The Ladykillers — a truly original religiouspolitical hybrid.

Matt Says: While I won’t speak as highly about the “sophisticated”
“Ladykiller,” I will speak on the greatness that is “True Grit” and
the fact it turned Hailee Steinfeld into a star.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World: 81% RT Approval 

Armond Says: Wright’s speed and humor are authentic and irresistible. Let’s hope that’s not all his admirers see.

Matt Says: It’s a good point to bring up the fact that people
might only see style over substance with Edgar Wright, but
“Pilgrim” is so utterly watchable that it’s shocking the Approval
Rating for this comic book adaptation is so low. This is why we
can’t have nice things…

Bronson (2009): 76% RT Approval 


Armond Says:  Hardy’s portrayal is more than a real-life impersonation of Bronson; it realizes the Stunt Movie opportunity to present an actor’s thoroughly romantic admiration of force.

Matt Says: Hardy is the only person that could have pulled
this character off, and that was before anyone even knew who
he was! 

Pineapple Express: 68% RT Approval 

Armond Says:  The result is Green’s first watchable movie since George Washington — even if it’s ultimately worthless.

Matt Says: While this film is on the cusp of just being “meh” according to our trusty voters on RT, it’s still fun, albeit “worthless” if you will.

Live Free of Die Hard: 82% RT Approval 


Armond Says: To call this the best Die Hard movie ever made merely acknowledges that Director Len Wiseman simplifies the franchise to its basic elements: Predicament, Villain, Hero, Action.

Matt Says: “Best Die Hard Ever Made?” I guess the original film never existed…or “With a Vengeance” either….vexing.

See you guys next week with our final, and hater-rific, entry.

February 12, 2017

(Ep. 83): SR Podcast – February 2017

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

It’s been a long time, we shouldn’t have left you, without a podcast to step to….step to, step to…you get it; it’s like that Aaliyah song.

We gave you a movie commentary to quench that junkie’s thirst for our imminent return, but nothing can prepare you for this month’s podcast that is sure to give you heart palpitations.

From the sultry tones of Al Pacino as he talks nipple clamps and spankings…to us wagering our souls, dignity and enthusiasm on 2017 films…and of course we have a game for you, because we love you so very much.

We return with “Hey Fuckhead,” where we tear apart those in Hollywood that really piss…us…off, here’s a hint; he’s a world leader who probably has a tiny wiener…take that as you may.

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, the newest Simplistic Reviews podcast. Body harnesses and ball gags not included.

NOTES
World War Z

Jimmy Fallon & Alec Baldwin
Green Lantern Shortlist

MUSIC

December 23, 2015

The Simplistic Reviews Podcast (Ep. 60) December 2015

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

On this holiday episode of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast, Matthew’s Judeism is put to the test, Justin continues to try and make sense of the Prequels, DJ laments over Die Hard, and the boys have a hell of a time writing letters to Santa, spinning dreidels and breaking down the finale of Fargo.  All this and more on a Ho-Ho-Ho Holiday Show.


NOTES

Quentin vs Disney
Independence Day 2 Trailer
TMNT 2 Trailer
X-Men: Apocalypse Trailer

MUSIC
Die Hard Score By Michael Kamen
Couple Of Misfits By Burt Ives
Christmas Time Is Here By Vince Guaraldi Trio
Christmas In Hollis By Run D.M.C.
Ode To Joy By Ludwig van Beethoven

     Check us out on FacebookTwitterYouTubeLetterboxd, and Pinterest
September 21, 2014

SR Podcast (Ep. 30): September 2014 Die Hard: Movie Commentary

Christmas come early this year as the boys do a commentary for probably their favorite holiday film of all time.  The quintessential action film Die Hard.  Listen up for the syncing instructions and enjoy Die Hard the Simplistic Reviews way…with 3 numbskulls enthusiastically giggling over it.

Show Notes:
Alan Rickman’s Answering Machine
Let’s order a pizza!
Bill Clay

Music Notes:
Die Hard Ode To Joy 


December 25, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: December Holiday Edition

‘Tis the season to talk movies and TV…and R.Kelly…and…um… Jolene Blalock’s disappearance…and Lara Flynn Boyle?  I’m pretty sure that’s not how the song goes.

An oddly optimistic Justin Polizzi makes his triumphant return and unveils his latest character impression.  Neal DaSouza joins us again to talk some anime and take dictation.  DJ is confused over the midseason finale of The Walking Dead and discovers he has some sort of Die Hard Tourette’s Syndrome.  Matt starts an all out war between people of the Jewish faith and jolly ol’ Saint Nick in a new segment called Dear Santa.  And a crippled little boy is able to walk again at the end.  It’s a Christmas Miracle!  Sorry, that last bit I made up or partially stole from Charles Dickens.  But I swear, the rest of that stuff does happen on the holiday edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

Show Notes:
Ellis From Die Hard
Police Academy
R.Kelly Cookie Song
Detective Quentin Lance
Akira
Jolene Blalock
Lara Flynn Boyle Is Melting

Music:
“Holiday Road” By Lindsey Buckingham
“Christmas In Hollis” By Run D.M.C.
“Christmas Time Is Here” By Vince Guaraldi
“The Best” By Tina Turner
“Let It Snow” By Vaughn Monroe


FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.

Click HERE to listen to podcast

Check us out on FacebookTwitter, and Pinterest

July 18, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: One Year Anniversary Extravaganza


It’s hard to believe that Simplistic Reviews has been around for one year.  You would have thought that the FCC, Michael Bay, or some other Hollywood douchebag would have called in a favor and had the three of us involved in an unfortunate electrical or chemical accident.  I guess they feared that if that happened we would genetically mutate and plan to conquer the world, or in the least just keep doing podcasts since their plans failed.  Well, we’re not genetically mutating anytime soon, but we are going to continue rocking the Interwebs with our colorful dialogue and point-of-views
On a serious note, we would like to thank everyone who reads our reviews, leaves comments, likes our Facebook page, re-tweets our tweets, and/or listens to our podcasts.  As Simplistic Reviews enters our sophomore year we’ll continue to either tear movies apart or heap unlimited amounts of praise upon them.
In this special podcast we look back at the first two films reviewed on the site, “Lethal Weapon” and “Die Hard” arguably the two best action movies of the 80’s, if not, ever.  And since we like games so much, we introduce the newest Simplistic Reviews game, “Martin Or McClane” where we decide who has the best 80’s hair, John McClane or Martin Riggs.  So sit back, relax, and enjoy this anniversary edition of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

Show Notes:

Lethal Weapon Review
Die Hard Review
Zack and Miri Make A Porno Review 



FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.

Click HERE to listen to podcast

Check us out on FacebookTwitter, and Pinterest

July 6, 2013

White House Down

NO

Wash.  Rinse.  Repeat.  In this case, however, what we are washing is the previously TERRIBLE White House take over movie that came out only months ago in Olympus Has Fallen.  What we are rinsing it with is water more akin to the foul waste that made The Toxic Avenger and Emil from Robocop what they are today.  And what we are repeating is an idea that would only work for an easy to please audience perpetually living in the year 1992.  White House Down, surprisingly isn’t the worst movie to come out this year. (Hi Lone Ranger)  But boy oh boy it misses that mark by only an ant hair.  I honestly had to go back and reread my previous review of Olympus Has Fallen just so I wouldn’t duplicate it here.  White House Down makes all of the same ridiculous, clichéd, laughable, absurd mistakes as Olympus Has Fallen, but does it with a smile on it’s face.  Because…that’s…better?  Because director Roland Emmerich winks at us as he slips money out of our wallets, we should accept it?  NO.  And I don’t want to hear how we should really lower our expectations when watching such a film.  I did.  What I ended up witnessing was even lower than my already low expectations.

For those who didn’t watch the thousand and one ads run during the NBA playoffs, or…well…didn’t see Olympus Has Fallen, White House Down is about a terrorist attack and take over of the aforementioned White House by a highly trained, highly committed paramilitary group.  A lone, not supposed to be there, regular joe/cop/bodyguard must rescue the President and take back the building.  To follow the lazy, insultingly daft parlance used by most…it is Die Hard…in the White House…again.  That is to say, it is Die Hard in the White House if Die Hard was a comedically awful film with brainless, horribly shot set pieces and bland, underwhelming performance AND NOT…THE BEST ACTION FILM EVER MADE.  Yeah, just like Die Hard.  Watching White House Down is not a popcorn flick experience.  It is merely a test of patience.  How long can you sit there and take stupidity masqueraded as brillance?  How long does the parent who knows their child has begun lying to them let their child continue?  How long do you let that strange and jittery pamphlet guy at the mall talk to you before you tell him you’re not interested?  Not to get too political, but this would be a more Geneva Convention friendly, yet, still effective means of torture to inflict on the prisoners at Guantanamo Mr. President.   Perhaps you think I’m being too harsh?  NO.  This is me bitting my tongue.  It is that bad.

Hey remember when we saw Jamie Foxx win an Oscar for Ray…then we immediately saw him in the horrid Rob Cohen movie Stealth and were like, “Why the hell did Jamie Foxx do this?  He’s better than this.”  Then the sobering realization washed over us as that even celebrities like easy money too?  Well, yeah.  Wash.  Rinse.  Repeat.  Jamie is coming off of Django Unchained for crying out loud.  A terrific and under-appreciated performance that wonderfully captured the stoic and quiet hero of the Sergio Leone Spaghetti Westerns.  What does Roland Emmerich have him do here?  A two hour Obama impersonation.  NO.  I’m not sh%tting you.  The difference between Jamie’s performance in White House Down as The President and a performance on SNL as President Obama is a studio audience.  You are better than this Jamie.  Damn!  I did it again.

My dislike of Channing Tatum stopped somewhere in between Haywire and 21 Jump Street.  He began not taking himself so seriously, stopped making Step Up movies, started working with really talented people, and found his niche as a performer.  However, his name in White House Down might as well be Channing Tatum because there is nothing here for him personality or character-wise.  Father and estranged daughter stuff you say?  NO.  It is a two minute, go through the motions, plot contrivance.  Good rapport with President Obama/Foxx?  NO.  The two of them displayed better chemistry in a mock rap video making fun of Channing’s name.  It is funny and a bit disappointing that the best action vehicles Tatum has managed to star in either have him in it for less then ten minutes or is clearly a comedy.

The rest of the actors hopping on this paycheck train may not be as well-known as the inexplicably star studded cast of Olympus Has Fallen.  However, you’ll still scratch your head wondering how Emmerich managed to cast them.  The always great Richard Jenkins, the undervalued Maggie Gllyennhaal, James Woods, Jason Clarke, Lance Reddick.  All of them seem so out of place here.  My only solace after seeing this was knowing that their 4th of July was probably spent on a newly bought boat instead of inside a quaint and quiet apartment.

To ask me what is better between Olympus Has Fallen and White House Down is like asking me is it better to be shot in the dick or to be shot in the dick.  They are both bad.  Both films try to force feed you bile while pretending it’s caviare.  However, one just plays itself seriously while the other has a lousier poker face about it.  If I can offer an olive branch to these two films, I’d say this.   There is NO way to make a film about a White House take over in modern day and it not be ridiculous.  Solution?  STOP MAKING THEM!  NO more money shots of D.C. buildings blowing up.  NO more lax security at the most SECURED BUILDING IN THE WORLD.  I don’t care how many inside men you have.  NO more poor attempts to portray the president as Rambo.  NO more misunderstandings and misuse of the constitution for plot convenience.   NO more dumb converting of famous quotes from our forefathers into groan inducing one liners.  NO more ripping off Die Hard.  Hell, Die Hard can’t even rip off Die Hard anymore, so stop trying to do friggin’ Die Hard!  Just…NO.  DON’T watch it…DON’T compare it to Die Hard…DON’T make anymore…and DON’T even bother telling me I’m wrong.

June 11, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: May Edition

May…..June….who cares?  It’s another Simplistic Reviews Podcast posting in June, but they’re talking about things in May.  Yeah, that’s just how these clowns roll.

From Philip Seymour Hoffman’s smack habit to the benefits of drinking whiskey during a podcast (thanks Matt), we got you covered.  Oh, and why HPV saved Michael Douglas’ life.

The guys also unleash their newest segment “Hey Fu*khead” where they unload on people and things that are ruining the world and the sad lives of DJ, Justin, and Matt.

And for you TV-heads, our hosts take a look at the upcoming Fall TV schedule and break down what to see, what to watch with caution, and what to avoid like the plague.

Also, if you get tired of our site reading reviews, head over to SlaughterFilm.com, click on the link on their page, and get re-directed back to our site.  Counter-productive? I think not, because Cory and Forest are doing the Devil’s work over on SlaughterFilm.

*Correction to podcast:  Alan Silvestri did not score the Friday the 13th films, it was actually Harry Manfredini.

Show Notes:

Hoffman’s Habit
The Rains of Castamere
Best of Fall TV 2013
Deep Throating for HPV

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.

Click HERE to listen to podcast

Check us out on FacebookTwitter, and Pinterest

April 5, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Elite 8 Results: FILM GOOD

JAMES BOND (1) WINNER
JOHN McCLANE (3)

Let’s do this one by the numbers;
1.  They both use guns.
2.  They both hate women.
3.  They both try to uphold justice, in their own way of course.

What sets these two apart is that one wears a tuxedo while the other a bloody, dirty, smell tank-top.  While I applaud John’s taste in fashion, there are two things that are forever; Diamonds, and stylish, black tuxedos.  There are rules for police men, but as for Bond, the only rule resides in the bullets he puts through McClane’s chest.  Happy Trails John…..

Welcome to the new home of SimplisticReviews.net - We're currently still working on the site. You might notice a few issues, please be patient with us. Thanks! (Store also in testing — no orders shall be fulfilled.)
Scroll to top