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Hannibal Lecter

July 23, 2018

A Simplistic Review: Hannibal

One day, we’ll look back at the fact that “Hannibal” is actually very very good despite what book snobs might consider an inferior ending, but do most people know how the book actually ended, and could you believe the uproar! Oh, and btw, Gary Oldman…is well…great…

I’ll even go as far as saying I enjoy this more than “The Silence of the Lambs” but again, the more gore, the better, and “Hannibal” has crimson stuff to spare.

April 5, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Elite 8 Results: FILM BAD


Two master manipulators, but there can only be one winner.  Bottom line; The Joker is just a mad dog off the leash.  Hannibal knows how to train any canine no matter how deranged or psychotic.  The good doctor sets the table, opens a bottle of Chateau d’Yquem, proceeds to filet the Clown Prince of Crime with a linoleum knife, and feeds the rest to his pooches.  It’s going to take a lot of explaining on how he got THESE scars.

April 2, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Sweet 16 Results: FILM BAD


If there was any Star Wars character in need of psychotherapy it would be Anakin Skywalker.  Mommy issues, daddy issues, inferiority complexes, obsessive behavior, night terrors, megalomania, depression, mental trauma, and so on.  All gravy for Dr. Lecter.  Anakin has also proven to be easily duped by the kinder older gentlemen hiding a dark secret.  They don’t get much darker than Hannibal.  Not even Palpatine dined on his enemies.  


A man out for revenge is a scary thing.  A man out for chaos is even more frightening.  Khan’s relentless linear thinking eventually makes him predictable.  There is no telling what depths or what ends The Joker would go to.  The Joker’s intellect is also very comparable to Khan’s.  The difference is Khan isn’t certifiably insane.  A genius level intellect in the hands of a mad man is the personification of chaos.  

March 29, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Round Two Results: FILM BAD


Being rude to Dr. Lecter is essentially like poking the proverbial bear.  And nothing is ruder than an obsessed woman who won’t be ignored.  Alex can cook all the bunnies she wants.  It doesn’t stop Hannibal from making a special stew of his own…out of her.


As Batman said, a crazy person like Annie Wilkes is the type of person The Joker attracts.  However, does Annie really want to be stuck in a cabin in the dead of winter with the clown prince of crime?  I don’t think so.  Go ahead, break his ankles.  The Joker would literally laugh it off.  Wilkes has nothing to threaten Mr. J with and is slowly driven even more mad.  Misery?  Poor choice of words.

Khan’s superior intellect is too much for the patricidal prince to handle.  Death smiles at us all Commodus.  Just be thankful Khan didn’t want to use any Centaurian slugs to drive home the point.  
JOHN DOE (12) 

Vader finds John Doe’s lack of faith disturbing.   Doe asks for wrath and Vader grants him his wish and then some.  Jar-Jar’s head in a box, ironically, was something filmgoers were begging for during the prequels.

March 25, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Round One Results: FILM BAD


What do you get when you have a psychopathic, cannibalistic, former-psychologist and a megalomaniacal headmistress in cahoots with an all powerful dark sorcerer?  One hell of an opening match-up.  While Dolores Umbridge was able to sneak in a few snide remarks, Hannibal “The Cannibal” asked for some “Quid pro quo” and followed it up by filleting her and eating her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.  Bottom line; wearing purple and pink never got anyone, anywhere.  Winner: Lecter.


Max Cady is a guy that takes things way too serious.  I mean, sure, you spent a few years in jail, you don’t have to bite a woman’s cheek off during rough sex.  The Joker asks “Why so serious?”  Cady reads a bible verse, but before he can say “Amen” the Clown Prince of Crime shows him how he got his scars, and Cady is up the river without a paddle.  Victory: The Joker.


Frank Booth is psychotic.  Khan is moody.  You would think that Booth would have a chance against a guy that’s simply moody.  The only problem is that Khan will stop at nothing for revenge.  While Booth is distracted by Khan’s “velvet” like hair, he turns on Genesis, and easily wins this fight.  Khan tried to be a good neighbor, but instead sent Booth straight to hell with a love letter straight from his heart.


“You failed me for the last time, Tannen”
“I told you two coats of wax on my TIE fighter, not one.”
To say the least, The Force was not with Biff.  Vader wins.  Impressive


Two men, two different plans.  What John Doe lacks in fashion sense, me makes up with patience and of course a strap-on with a knife attached.  Hans might have a collection of Valentino suits and an accent that might get him on TV, but even that doesn’t stop Doe from claiming a major upset in this battle of Bad vs. Evil.  Becoming Envious:  John Doe wins.


One guy will bathe in a child’s blood.  The other, well, he’ll probably bathe in it after he drinks a pint or two while listening to Huey Lewis & The News.  Pat Bateman might be able to get a 9:00 pm res at Crayons, but Commodus will simply give a thumbs down and you’ll have a spear through your back.  While Bateman put up a fight, he was simply too square to be hip.  Commodus takes this fight easily, and is late for his 9:00 pm orgy.


Hell hath no fury like a woman who’s favorite book character is killed off.  Freddy is more of a TV guy himself, and while he tries to “Welcome Annie Wilkes to Prime Time, bitch” she simply isn’t having it.  With a few sledgehammer swings, Wilkes walks away with the win, while Kreuger is left trying to fit his head back into his fedora.


There might be a lot of Agent Smiths’, but like Annie Wilkes, hell hath no fury like a woman……..with 80s hair, and an affinity for rabbit stew.  Alex Forrest has no problem not being ignored by our favorite Matrix Agent, as she fakes a drowning, only to stab him in his digitized back.

March 19, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil

*Update 3-20-2013*

Good day all, just an update to this little, I guess you can call it a contest now.  On Friday we will be starting the draw for the Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil.  To try and make things as random as possible we will be using to decide who moves on in the bracket.  To make things even more “random” we will be making the draw for each match-up, FIVE TIMES, so the best of five will win the match-up.  All brackets will lock on March 23nd, 2013 at 6:00 pm EST.

The first round will run from 3-23-2013 to 3-26-2013. 
The second round will run from 3-26-2013 to 3-28-2013.  
The Sweet 16 will run from 3-29-2013-3-30-2013.  
The Elite 8, 3-31-2013.  
The Final Four, 4-01-2013
The Championship on 04-07-2013

Remember if you participate by filling out a bracket and send them to
you could win a beer from Matt’s Private Stash ( the list will be named later based on turn out).

Original Post, March 18th, 2013

Since we LOVE to be cliched and trite here at Simplistic Reviews, we only felt it appropriate to jump on the bandwagon, whore ourselves out, and create a list of characters from TV and Film (sorry, no cartoons on this one) that we’d like to think are the most vile and evil, as well as the most heroic and dedicated to truth, justice, and sometimes, but mostly not, the American way.

Oh by the way, it’s also NCAA Tournament Time….no big deal.  But what better way to co-opt a time honored tradition like treating athletes like indentured servants and flying out to Las Vegas, doing a lot of coke, and gambling away your daughter’s college fund, than creating OUR version of the NCAA tournament with, what else, make believe people from the movie screen and TV box;  presenting, The 1st Annual Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil, (copyright pending).

For the next few weeks, we will be breaking down the bracket, click HERE for a downloadable version, and pitting characters together in a fight to the “death” to see who will prevail.  Will the goodness of good defeat the badness of bad?  Will a Cinderella story like The Toxic Avenger mop up the competition (see, what I did there) or will Jack Bauer shoot enough people in the head on his way to save President David Palmer……from purchasing bad auto insurance.

Send us your picks, comments, inquiries, hate mail, and general gripes and we will take them under consideration, and by consideration I mean burning them in effigy, so to make things easier for us, send a glamor shot of yourself.  But in all honesty, print out the bracket below, or save paper and just copy it, open it in a program on either a PC or Mac and have a ball.

Print or view the bracket, HERE

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