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Jason Statham

July 26, 2014

Early Returns: The Expendables 3

The Expendables 3: Bloated
On one hand The Expendables 3 is a bloated mess that does nothing to earn your money nor time.  We have nothing but a shit ton of yesterday’s great actors thrown into a film where they will not be used accordingly.  The problem with this film is really the fact that it is an Expendables film.  The first one wasn’t great but it was fun.  The second again wasn’t great but it had a lot of action.  The third is just bloated, with editing and script problems beyond fixing.  Scenes going on for far too long and dialogue that’s completely unneeded again bloats this film.  The addition of Ford, Gibson, Banderas and Snipes is why I really wanted to watch this.  However, their characters were extremely underused.  Ford isn’t in the film that much and Wesley’s character is completely useless.  There is a scene in the beginning where he shaves his beard off with a knife.  A giant f&$king knife.  He shaves it so clean, I stopped what I was doing and texted my Simplistic Reviews partner DJ to confirm what I just saw.  Not a great sign starting off. 
Since we are talking about things that were absurdly lazy, lets get into the effects for this thing.  Now the CGI in The Expendables films are typically very bad.  The common thing most point to is the fake CGI blood.  This film doesn’t seem to have CGI blood, thanks to its new PG-13 rating.  But there are still a slew of cheap and horrible looking CGI explosions, muzzle flashes, helicopter chases and one amazingly crappy parachute deployment shot.  It is laugh inducing.  
But back to the bloat.  After an Expendable gets severely injured, Barney Ross goes out to put together a new team out of fear of getting his old team killed.  All of them young, and one of them a woman.  The woman, Ronda Rousey, is the only person I recognized out of all the new recruits.  So now, a film I watch for the nostalgic actors forces me to follow its “plot” with people I’ve never heard of.  A team I couldn’t care less about.  Expendables 2 did this a bit, but it’s much worse here.  The old team eventually comes back after the young guns screw up badly.  At least I think so.  I honestly started to play on my phone at this point.  Stallone’s character Barney Ross is so stupid in this film.  Tactically, emotionally, grammatically stupid.  His motivations make no sense throughout this film and then they switch on a dime for absolutely no reason.  I’m still waiting for someone to explain to me why the leader of a team called THE EXPENDABLES is afraid of his men getting killed.  Kinda undermines the entire premise of your franchise there Sly. 
The acting?  You don’t care about the acting.  You do?  Really?  Fine.  It’s like watching a sleepwalking documentary on Discovery Channel hosted by Ben Stein.   Only one or two of these guys (Banderas and Gibson eventually) show any sign of life in this thing.  This is something I can understand with the old vets, but the new blood is just as lifeless.   Here is a SPOILER filled example of everything wrong with this film combined.  There is a scene where Gibson and the bad guys set the team up in a building with C-4 all around them.  They have around 45 seconds to get out.  One of the new Expendables says he can try and block the signal.  He stupidly explains this plan while Gibson listens via a video camera.  But Gibson stupidly does nothing to capitalize on hearing this plan.  So, the scene culminates with these action icons that I grew up with just haplessly standing there for 45 seconds shouting, “Come on, Come on you can do it” to a guy I don’t care about pushing buttons.  They shout their encouragement with all the enthusiasm of a thirteen year old boy forced to play dress-up with his baby sister.  They all say it and say it horribly.  Rousey delivers the line so badly, it made me cringe.  I’m pretty sure I saw her cringe from it too!
On the other hand, anyone who purposefully goes to see this film already knows what they are going to experience.  Nonsensical action, cheesey writing and actors you loved that have seen better days…months…decades.  The Expendables 3 just like the others.  Nothing new, just a lot of bloat.  Is it worth your $9.45 at the theater?  No, nor is it worth your time.  Wait for it to come onto TV…network TV.
September 14, 2012

The Mechanic

The Mechanic: Works
(The 2011 remake)

Cheesy Acting, Cheesy Directing with a few plot holes.

Well listen it was on Showtime and it was late. I thought hey what the hell, lets give it a shot.
It Works, I did enjoyed the film but it is far from perfect.
It’s a film I usually call a throwaway. A film possibly not intended to be discarded after being watched once but in my world it is.

If you like a nice little action film and there is nothing on TV, go for it.
Otherwise that’s it.
Will I buy this film on DVD or Blu-ray, nay Im good.

What I really did like about this film is the hits they do. It kinda felt like the Hitman video game series that I love so dearly. The actors I thought fit perfect in those scenes and the way they killed them I thought was enjoyable.

NOTES:

I’m getting sick of Jason Statham doing the same, “I’m always pissed off, but I’m a Badass”.
It works on Crank yes, It works on the Transporters yes. Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and The Bank Job yes, and it kinda works in this film but I am getting sick of it. I still like the guy, but enough is enough.

Ben Foster on the other hand stole the film. I really enjoyed him in this. The guys acting is really underrated.

How come they left finger prints everywhere? I know its a film, but that got on my nerves. They are Hitmen right? Don’t Hitmen know about finger prints? Man it got on my nerves too much!

When a Hitman uses Ask.com, Really Ask.com. Don’t know how good of a Hitman he really is if he uses Ask.com.

Why can’t Donald Sutherland do more films and not be a throwaway side piece. I love seeing this guy on the screen, need more of that these days.

And a NOTE for all action films these days, STOP with the CG Blood! It looks horrible, its so bad it makes the film less respectful.

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