Jean Claude Van Damme

August 11, 2015

Slaughter Film Presents: Action Movie Time Machine – Cyborg 2

LACKLUSTER

Continuing our little celebration of Arnold returning to the silver screen as a futuristic killing machine, I bring to you the third film in this series. The “3rd” you ask? But it’s called “Cyborg 2”, not “Cyborg 3” you say. That’s another movie entirely. “What Gives?” you ask. Well stop sayin’ and askin’ crap! You will learn all about that in due time.
The year was 1993. Mulder introduced Skully to the world of the paranormal, the hit television show “Cheers” came to an end, we all learned how dangerous Raptors are with the release of Jurassic Park, and the world began to ask, “Got Milk?”. All this and Angelina Jolie makes Phillip K. Dick proud as she plays a human-like replicant in “Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow”.
THE SKINY
The film begins by explaining that in the year 2074, the world was locked in a corporate battle between Kobayashi Electronics (Japan) and Pinwheel Robotics (USA). They struggled against one-another for dominance in the field of cyborg manufacturing. Naturally, cyborgs have replaces humans in nearly every respect. “From the soldier in the field, to the prostitute in the brothel”.
The landscape is dense, mechanical and filthy – in the kind of way that becomes a cyber-punk’s wet dream. But to me it seems unbearable. If I lived there, I’d just kill myself and let a cyborg take my place at the cheesecake factory. Ironically, when I worked there, we no longer made cheesecake. The factory had been retrofitted to produce soylent. Our slogan was; “It’s not as good, but it’s good for you!. That was before all the Apocalypse was stuff.
Any how, Pinwheel has designed a new type of seducing cyborg. But they weren’t created for pleasure. They were created for corporate espionage. They use a highly flammable liquid explosive as a coolant, and after the cyborg successfully targets and seduces their mark, they detonate when they orgasm. Okay, it isn’t explained quite like that. However, it is exactly what happens.

Now we meet Cash, Angelina Jolie, who just so happens to be one of these dangerous robo-vixens. She is being trained/practicing/being tested in some for of martial arts by Colt – played by none other than Elias Koteas, who you may remember as Casey Jones, from a little thing called “The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”.
Cash is designed to feel human emotions, as a way to keep her deadly intentions a secret. This makes her all the more believable – right up to the moment she explodes. But because of this Cash develops feelings for Colt. Colt can’t control his urges either, and soon the two of them are rendezvousing deep within the bowels of Pinwheel late at night. This sort of thing is a major no-no. Pinwheel can’t let their expensive new cyborgs get all filled up with ooie-gooie man juice.
Once Cash is discovered missing from her room, security is alerted and they search the facility. Cash and Colt slowly make their way outside, not before fighting off wave after wave of Pinwheel’s armed guards.

This whole event – the rendezvous, the security alert and Cash ‘N’ Colt being tipped off that they are being pursued by security – is the handy work of a hacker who goes by the name Mercy, Jack Palance. He also explains to Cash what exactly her purpose is. Now the odd couple —  those “Robo-Sexuals” – have to stay on the lamb long enough to have Cash’s detonator removed, all while Mercy continues to guide them from he secret hacker lair.
Now that the couple are on the outside, Pinwheel hires Danny Bench, Billy Drago,who is a contract killer who Pinwheel routinely use to hunt down escapee and defective androids. His job this time is to find the couple, kill Colt and return Cash to Pinwheel.
While Cash ‘N’ Colt traverse the dystopian city-scape running from Bench, Mercy starts to make his presence known to Pinwheel. As it turns out, Mercy once worked for Pinwheel, and like Colt, he fell in love with one of their androids. When his supervisors found out, Mercy was fired and his android bride was confiscated and destroyed. Now, Mercy has been helping Cash ‘N’ Colt less out of the kindness of his heart, and more as a way to exact his revenge on Pinwheel. The escape of Cash was part of Mercy’s carefully thought out plan to use Cash against them.
As the film nears it’s end, Mercy arranges an escape for Cash ‘N’ Colt. They are to leave on an outbound cargo ship, but there is a catch. For the two to get aboard, Colt must win their place on the ship by fighting to the death in an underground bare-knuckle boxing match. And who will Colt fight? None other than Bench. This whole part feels kind of tacked on and unnecessary. It also feels like “Casablanca”, how a do-gooder aids a fleeing couple in a self sacrificing act as the ship/plain is about to leave the country.
So yes, Colt and his robo-bride do manage to escape after Colt murders Bench by pushing him into the spinning boat propeller. With a little help from Mercy and his automatic shotgun, the couple make their way to the ship just as some of Pinwheel‘s security guards arrive to “break up the party“. But we kinda knew that was going to happen anyway, right?
The film ends with Mercy paying one last visit to Pinwheel headquarters. He brings with him Cash’s extracted glass shadow detonator, which he tricks the Pinwheel CEO into detonating. In a final act of defiance, Mercy blows up Pinwheel, it’s CEO as well as himself. I’m assuming this was followed by Kobayashi Electronics taking over the entire robotics market. The End
THE VERDICT
“Cyborg 2” kinda, sorta, has the right idea. Deep down in there there are concepts that – if fleshed out a bit better – could have really given this film a point. For instance, robots who learn to love and how they fit and adapt in society, could be interesting. Or better yet, the film could have posed the question; “When is being not human, human enough?”. Since Colt has fallen in love with Cash, and even wants to put his noodle in her slop tube, at what point does Cash stop being a robot and start being a human inside a normal human relationship. She looks sounds and smells human after all.
This type of film could have offered up some heavy ideas while still being laced with shoot-out/kung-fu action. As for the action, it reminds me a bit of the Pam Anderson flick “Barbwire”. “Barbwire” was nothing more than a futuristic re-telling of “Casablanca”, starring an indie comicbook heroine – which I should also review by the way. This felt a lot like “Barbwire” in the way that all the action and “heavy ideas” take a backseat to the survival driven love story. That’s all fine and well, but it felt like both, the action and the love story, were pulling to two different direction. As if the action and fight sequences were there just to remind us that it was an action flick.
Oh well. It’s an interesting piece of science fiction that reflects the times in which it was made, as well as a fond appreciation for films like “Blade Runner” and certain anime. Not to mention that it has an interesting cast for a film that feels like it was straight to video. Soon to be stars like Jolie, and familiar faces like Drago. Drago is one of those actors who I always think of as being typecast in the genre of horror, and like Clint Howard, it just isn’t true. They have faces for horror I guess.
So in conclusion, “Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow” isn’t too good, but it isn’t too bad either. It offers something a little different from the other “Cyborg” films and is worth a watch if you are interested in the series. However there is another cyborg/action/love story that I can whole heartedly recommend, and it’s called “Cherry 2000”. It has a very similar story, involving the future and sex robots, but the story is better told and is more fun to watch. It’s a soon to be cult film, as soon as people learn what it is. It’s one part grindhouse, one part noire and three parts cheeky entertainment.
I’m Cory Carr and this concludes another trip in The Action Movie Time Machine. Until next time, SEMPER FI PUNK!
For more from Cory, check out slaughterfilm.com. The home of weekly podcasts, reviewing the films that are legendary, even in Hell!

July 8, 2015

Slaughter Film Presents: Action Movie Time Machine – Cyborg

ANIME-ISH
With  a new “Terminator” movie in theaters, I thought it best to take a look at another film series that features cybernetic entities, “Cyborg”. Oh, why not the “Terminator” franchise you ask? Because punk! I just reviewed a bunch of Arnold flicks , and besides, I bet you don’t know nothin’ about “Cyborg”.
The year is 1989. The Exxon Valdez runs aground and spills 1,2000,000 gallons of oil, Nintendo releases the wildly successful Game Boy, and  “Batman” battled “Indiana Jones…” at the box office. All this and Jean-Claude Van Damme battles to save the world from futuristic pirates in “Cyborg“.
THE SKINNY
The film takes place in New York City , in “the future” and it’s explained to us in a voice over that over the past few decades there has been anarchy, genocide, famine and now a plague that has ravaged humanity. But there is hope, in the form of a cure.
These words are told to us by Fender, Vincent Klyn, the films antagonist and all around evil guy. He then explains that he enjoys the suffering, the death and he wants to get his hands on the cure so he can control it and live like a god – choosing who lives and who dies.

Early in the film, Fender and his gang of post-apocalyptic dressed Village People rape and pillage a seaside settlement and as this happens, we see a lady cyborg being shooed out the back. She has been given specific orders to escape Fender and his gang, locate and hire a “slinger” to help protect her on her journey and deliver the cure to the right people in Atlanta who will be able to develop it and restore humanity.
Somewhere there are internet nerds writing blog posts theorizing that “Cyborg” and “The Walking Dead” are somehow connected. There aren’t any zombie in “Cyborg“, but the plague could be the same disease that brought about the “walkers”. And just because you don’t see zombies, doesn’t mean that they aren’t there. In the second season of The Walking Dead, Rick’s crew make their way to the C.D.C. in Atlanta looking for salvation and answers. In “Cyborg” the lady cyborg, who’s name is Pearl, is also making her way to Atlanta to deliver the cure and reach salvation. Conspiracy alert! “Cyborg” is set in the future of “The Walking Dead“. You just read it on the internet, so it MUST be true!
Fender is one of those evil dudes who’s goals are so extreme that you wonder, “if he gets his way how would even he survive?”. He’s a bit of a comicbook super-villian in the way that they might concoct a scheme to destroy the world, never taking into account that if Earth explodes so will they.
I mean sure, he will have the cure, or at least the recipe for the cure, but he isn’t a scientist. How the hell would he know what to do with it if he catches the plague? Or if enough humans die, what is there to rule over? Does this guy know how to grow and cultivate his own food to survive in this post-apocalyptic wasteland?
We’re only ten minutes in and already Fender’s motives are suspect. But I digress.

Soon Pearl happens into the same ramshackle town and encounters Gibson, Jean-Claude Van Damme, who is a former “slinger” and survivor of this brutal world that they live in. Pearl explains her quest – even telling him that she is a cyborg as she pleads for him to escort her to Atlanta. But before he can make up his mind, they are ambushed by Fender and his gang. They take Pearl and leave Gibson for dead.
This isn’t the first time Gibson has encountered Fender. As we learn through an entire series of flashbacks, Gibson gave up the life of being hired mercenary, aka “slinger”, to settle down with the love of his wife and her two children. But not long after they settled in a nice country home, Fender shows up to rape, kill and kidnap Gibson’s newly adopted daughter to be used as a sex slave.
Now, only mildly interested in saving the cure, Gibson heads south from New York to Atlanta to track and hunt Fender.
Along the way Gibson meets another damsel in distress, Nady, Deborah Richter. He allows her to tag along while protecting her from Fender’s attacks and she in return acts as his moral compass. Before long, Gibson softens to the young woman and she becomes his love interest.

This is something that Fender uses to his advantage once he is tipped off that Gibson is tracking him. He sets a trap, luring Gibson and Nady into an abandoned factory building where Gibson manages to fight off wave after wave of attacks before he is outnumbered and forced to flee with a wounded Nady. Fender and his gang follow Gibson and Nady, and they are overtaken .
But first, Gibson’s kidnapped daughter makes her presence known. Now, all grown up and brainwashed, she appears, to show her adopted father that she is now in love with her captor. Whoa, what a mind fuck!
Gibson is tied to the mast of an old sailboat and left to die…again. Flashbacks of Fender attacking his family bring on a rage educed “hulk-up” that allows Gibson to shatter the mast – freeing himself – and he and Nady continue on to Atlanta in pursuit Fender and Pearl.

Along the way Gibson gets a clue and this time decides to not play by Fender’s rules and instead plan a trap for him. Like a scene out of “300” or “Lord of the Rings”, Gibson forces Fender and his gang through a narrow passage in some junkyard town – The Battle of Helm’s Garbage Heap.
Here Gibson picks off Fender’s remaining crew before he and Fender battle it out themselves – just as  a storm rolls in. Because you can’t have a kick-ass final boss fight with out thunder and lightning.
The slug-fest ends when Fender introduces a knife. Gibson breaks his arm, takes the knife and stabs him in the chest with it. Ya think that would be enough, but it isn’t. Fender re-animates and the fight continues. Gibson then impales him on a giant hook.

In the end, Gibson gets reacquainted with his kidnapped daughter, Haley. They, with Pearl, mourn the loss of Nady, who was killed protecting Pearl from Fender’s gang leading up to the final fight.
Before the credits roll, we see Pearl reaching her Atlanta contact and I can only assume that the cure fixes the world…Who am I kidding? I know that’s not true because there are two more “Cyborg” movies.
 
THE VERDICT
Gibson becomes locked in heated battle with Fender to a fight to the death… So these guys are named after guitars…*facepalm. Wait a minute, the name Pearl is a company that manufactures top of the line drums. I would bet money that they tried to name Nady “Zildjian”.
The story isn’t the most original, but it isn’t bad. It’s really a collection of futuristic things thrown in the same pot together and often feels like an anime in the way the fights are choreographed and filmed, and even “The Seven Samurai” somehow. Some scenes have minimal dialogue and this might be what lends itself to feel a bit like an anime – sorta foreign.
The cyborg effects don’t look as good as say, “Terminator”, but for a low budget Cannon film, I think they turned out pretty good. Believe me, I’ve seen some crap effects in my time and these here aren’t half bad.
The fights are creative in the way Gibson and his enemies use their surroundings, and in JCVD’s case, his splits. What makes the fights look less good is the editing and certain camera angles. This is true for the entire film, mostly where editing is concerned. It just isn’t edited very smoothly. And as for the camera angles, sometimes the camera is in a creative place/angle while other times it feels like it’s in the way of the action.
The acting is the weakest element to this film. JCVD isn’t the best actor, but he certainly isn’t awful. With that said, this is one of his earlier works and isn’t his best. The rest of the cast is on par with the special effects – not the greatest but by Cannon standards it’s top notch. Vincent Klyn however…is something. He’s odd to look at and odd to listen to and some of his dialogue seems like it was written with “A Clockwork Orange” in mind or something and…he’s just an odd dude.

So in conclusion, “Cyborg” is an interesting addition to the post-apocalyptic sci-fi films of the ’80s not as good as the immortal “Terminator” and certainly not as bad as some of the other post-apocalyptic VHS flicks that I’ve reviewed in months past. It hovers somewhere between entertaining and watchable.
I’m Cory Carr and this concludes another trip in The Action Movie Time Machine. Until next time, SEMPER FI PUNK!
For more from Cory, check out slaughterfilm.com. The home of weekly podcasts, reviewing the films that are legendary, even in Hell!
March 16, 2015

Slaughter Film Presents: Action Movie Time Machine – Double Team

Well it’s March, and with it comes March Madness. To honor the basketball gods, we will be loading up the “Action Movie Time Machine” with the dial set to the decedent year of 1997 to visit Dennis Rodman, before he became the American ambassador to North Korea.
The year is 1997. Howard Stern showed everyone his “Private Parts”, police investigate the murder of the Notorious B.I.G., and the Bundy family say goodbye as “Married With Children” comes to an end. All this, and someone thought it was a good idea to put NBA star Dennis Rodman in “Double Team”.
THE SKINNY
Jack Quinn, Jean-Claude Van Damme, is a special forces spy type who has recently retired so he can be with his wife when she gives birth to their first child. His retirement plans get cut short as he is sent out on one last mission to apprehend an international terrorist for hire who goes by the name Stavros, Mickey Rourke. Quinn has spent years trying to capture Stavros, so naturally, when Stavros comes out of hiding, Quinn is just the man for the job.
Quinn is sent to lead a Delta team in the capture of Stavros, but first we have to introduce the elephant in the room. Quinn visits the gay-bar district of town to meet up with his contact, Yaz, Dennis Rodman. Yaz, is interesting. He…well, is dressed like Dennis Rodman. Dennis Rodman is more or less playing himself in this movie. In fact, Dennis Rodman is playing Dennis Rodman pretending to be an underground arms dealer who has recently decided to work exclusively with the “good guys”. This scene isn’t so important. It simply introduces his character so we’re familiar with him later.
So, Quinn buys some weapons, that apparently the Delta Team can’t get their hands on, and he and the Deltas head after Stavros.
Their intelligence says that Stavros will be visiting a Dutch amusement park. The Delta team show up early and set up a sting operation complete with a tranquilizing sniper who will take Stavros alive. When he arrives, Quinn wonders why he would bother with an amusement park? Is he planning a terrorist attack? Well it turns out that he was visiting his son.
Soon the Deltas are discovered, a shoot out begins and Stavros’ son is shot in the cross fire. Quinn chases Stavros on foot and is lead to a nearby hospital where they fight it out in the nursery. Stavros manages to escape when he  throws a grenade at Quinn. Quinn opts for saving the children and this allows Stavros to go free.
When Quinn wakes up from the explosion he finds himself on a remote island as the newest member of “The Colony”. The Colony is where special agents go when why are no longer effective. They are too dangerous to be set free and too valuable to kill. Instead they are gathered together to analyze data and help world governments capture terrorists and fight rogue nations. This idea is a 100% rip-off of a ’60s British television series called The Prisoner.
After a few days and two training montages, Quinn fights his way off the island and swims through laser infested waters before being picked up by a cargo plane that Quinn climbs into in mid-air. Once on the ground, he recruits the help of Yaz who offers to take him to see his wife – who thought Quinn was dead. I don’t know why they didn’t just drive, but Quinn and Yaz parachute into Quinn’s backyard inside an invention Yaz came up with himself. It’s a giant air filled globe the encases the person wearing it, allowing them to safely float down to the surface of the Earth…It’s a fuckin’ basketball!
Anyhow, once Quinn arrives at his house, he discovers that it’s a trap set by Stavros. Stavros has kidnapped Quinn’s pregnant wife and is planning to take the child for himself to replace the one killed in the shoot out. Yeah, that’ll teach Quinn!
Quinn and Yaz follow the Stavros trail to Italy where Yaz uses his monk connections to zero in on him. “Monk connections”, you ask? Yep, apparently a while back Yaz built the monk’s some “main frame processor” complete with a dial-up connection to the world wide web. The “cyber-monks” are grateful and most eager to repay Yaz.
The monks help Quinn locate his wife, who is at a hospital giving birth. By the time Quinn arrives, the baby has been hatched and Stavros is gone. Fortunately one of the nurses knows his plans.
Quinn follows Stavros to the Coliseum where he and Yaz must fight through Stavros’ goons before Quinn and Stavros fight it out surrounded by land mines. If that wasn’t enough, Stavros brought along a bangle tiger. Stavros sure knows how to party.
Yaz saves the baby while Quinn and  Stavros battle – which is a pretty decent fight sequence. Everything ends when Stavros steps on one of his own land mines – blowing up both himself, the tiger and the entire arena…for some reason. When all is said and done, Quinn rides off into the night with his newborn son. The End.
THE VERDICT
I feel like “Double Team” was the precursor to “Rush Hour”. I might be giving “Double Team” more credit than it deserves but each film shares quite a bit with the other. They each team-up a martial marts master with a wisecracking black man… Okay, that the only similarity. But “Double Team” did come out over a year before “Rush Hour”. And if movies like “Deep Impact” & “Armageddon”, “Dante’s Peak” & “Volcano”, and “White House Down” & “Olympus Has Fallen” are any indication that studios are totally willing to rip of each others idea while are still being developed, I’m sure the same could be said about “Double Team” & “Rush Hour”.
“Double Team” is kind of…bad. But there is good to be found within it. Like Van Damme’s fighting…and splits. There are many of the action sequences that are well filmed and turn out to be pretty entertaining. My problems with the film is also the action sequences. While they are entertaining, they are designed to be so over the top that I can’t take them seriously. They are so overly complicated that they stop making sense. These problems really show the films age, as everything in the ’90s had to be the most extreme at all costs. Example; The final showdown that results in a hand to hand fight to the death…in the Coliseum…surrounded by land mines…and there’s a tiger. Are you fucking kidding me?!
Rodman is another problem. So naturally, to help sell the film the studio wanted an interesting celebrity. He dressed outlandish and fooled around with Pamela Anderson and this made him famous.  And now we have a sub-par action flick that’s full of his strange outfits and colorful hair-dos. His popularity was a bit of a passing fad, and again, this movie shows it’s age. Oh, and everything Rodman says becomes a cheesy basketball related one-liner.
My REAL problem with this movie is it’s story telling. There is no attention to detail and no effort to develop the characters. Van Damme’s character is a special forces spy type, but who does he work for? Why does Rodman’s character so chummy with Italian monks and why do the monks have the internet? I could go on asking these dumb questions but I won’t bother. It seemed like the writers had a hand full of “awesome” ideas and had to find a way to get them all to fit together without wasting too much time on explaining anything.
In the end, the core of this movie is interesting; how the spies have a lose network they belong to and when the “retire” they go to The Colony – but everything else is gimmicky crap.
I’m Cory Carr and this concludes another trip on the “Action Movie Time Machine”. Until next time, Semper Fi Punk!
For more from Cory, check out his website slaughterfilm.com, where he and his good friend Forest Taylor record weekly podcasts, reviewing the films that are legendary, even in Hell!

 

 
 

 
 

September 30, 2014

Slaughter Film Presents: Action Movie Time Machine – Double Impact

DOUBLE BLAND
All aboard! Keep all hands and feet inside the time machine at all times. This week we embark on a journey thru time to pay visit to several films that will leave you questioning your very eyeballs. In a series I’m calling “Double Vision”, we will be covering action films featuring twins. Or actors playing twins anyhow.
The year is 1991. Jerry Springer began conducting paternity tests on midget clansmen. The Terminator got a sequel. Vanilla Ice writes an award winning “Ninja Rap” and Sonic the Hedgehog began running all over the damn place. All this and Jean Claude Van Damme played vengeful brothers in “Double Impact“.
THE SKINNY
Young Chad, Jean-Claude Van Damme, has grown up the ward of his uncle Frank, Geoffery Lewis, who owns and operates a fitness club in Los Angeles. One part for aerobics and another for karate. Working in the fitness club with his uncle, in both aerobics and karate, has afforded Chad all the benefits of each. Ass whoopin’ kicks and top notch split flexibility.
 
One day, after receiving some important info from a contact in China, Frank sits Chad down and informs him that Frank isn’t his uncle at all. Frank worked as a bodyguard for Chad’s father when he was just an infant. During this time Chad’s father designed and build a tunnel that connected Hong Kong with the mainland of China. His business partner Nigel Griffith and secret underworld financier Raymond Zhang put out a hit on Chad’s parents. With them out of the way Griffith and Zhang would inherit the tunnel. Why? Don’t ask me.
Frank shows up moments too late and narrowly escapes with Chad as the hitmen fire at him. The head hitman and underling of Zhang is a man named Moon, played by Bolo Yeung. This makes the second time JVCD and Bolo Yeung squared off against one another.
But that’s not all! It turns out that Chad has a twin brother names Alex who was raised in and still lives in Hong Kong. It’s now Frank’s idea to take Chad to Hong Kong, meet Alex, lead the brothers in a war against Griffith and Zhang and take control of their birthright — the tunnel.
 
Once Frank and Chad reach Hong Kong they meet Alex who is less interested in what Frank has to say. He understand how difficult it will be to take out Zhang with all of his hired guns and crime resources.
While they are getting to know each other and forming a plan, days pass and the film turns into a combination of a “fish out of water” comedy with Chad in Hong Kong eating exotic food and what not, and an “odd couple” drama with Chad trying to win over his long lost brother. This is no easy task. Alex grew up on the streets and has resorted to less than legal business means to get by. He’s one tough cookie.
But forget all that. The brother make their presence known. First they stealthily break into one of Zhang’s cocaine manufacturing facilities and blow it sky high. Lol, it’s always cocaine isn’t it?! Then the brothers make an assassination attempt during a meeting between Griffith and Zhang at one of Zhang’s nightclubs. Alex and Chad, pretending to be the same person, bring several cased of “Cognac” to the party per Zhang’s request. But these aren’t your beverage bottles of the French tonic. They’re bombs!
Griffith and Zhang catch wind of what’s going on and escape the explosions, but not before they learn about the twins. Now knowing who was behind the drug bombing, Zhang’s forces track the twins and devise a plan to lure the brothers in so Zhang’s top enforcers can rub ‘em out. How will they do this? By kidnapping Frank and Alex’s love interest Danielle.
Alex and Chad follow to a docked cargo freighter. As Griffith gets his kicks by torturing Frank, the brothers slowly make their way to the engine room where their loved ones are being held. But before the final boss battle, each brother must defeat Zhang’s enforcers. Chad fights and electrocutes Moon, while Alex takes on Kara, Corinna “Cory” Everson, a She-Hulk muscle woman.
 
The end of the film parallels the fights with the enforcers, as the twins each separately hunt down the conspirators. Alex beats Zhang before dropping him to his death from the top of a crane. Chad manages to misdirect Griffith long enough to get the drop on him, and by that I mean Chad drops a cargo container onto him. The End.

 
THE VERDICT
Here is the part where I say whether or not “Double Impact” is a good movie or not. Well this won’t take long. It isn’t bad, but I can’t say that it’s good either. It’s a competently made film with decent special effects, fights and acting. However it isn’t the most original action movie I’ve ever seen. The same could be said about most late 80s and early 90s action movies, but bare with me.
“Double Impact” is about twin sons who grow up and avenge their parents death. Whether it’s avenging a murdered father, or mother, or brother or wife, that concept is in plenty of action movies. The question becomes “How does Double Impact take that idea and expand upon it?”. Well… there are twins…
Yeah that doesn’t do a lot for me either. More than anything it’s down right strange  watching two JCVDs walk around talking about wearing silk underwear. The film even has to stretch to explain why both brothers happen to have the same accent even though they grew up on opposite ends of the world. Alex was dropped off at a Chinese monastery run by French nuns, while Frank had sent Chad to a reform school in France. I guess if you are born in Belgium that means you’re French to the rest of the world. It amazes me how often films feel the need to explain why JVCD has an accent. Action movie fans don’t really care, and if JVCD disserves an explanation than why not Arnold? Why not Stallone?
There is one last thing I want to point out. The tunnel is the birthright of Alex and Chad. What a strange thing to fight over. I mean, I guess you could put up a toll and make yourself some money. But honestly, who gives a shit about a tunnel?
 
When all is said and done “Double Impact” isn’t bad, but it’s also rather forgettable. I would only recommend it to die-hard fans of Van Damme. Otherwise you can pass this one over.
I’m Cory Carr and this concludes our ride on the “Action Movie Time Machine”. Things are only going to get better… or strange from here, so until next time, Semper Fi!
For more from Cory, check out his website slaughterfilm.com, where he and his good friend Forest Taylor record weekly podcasts, reviewing the films that are legendary, even in Hell!
January 17, 2014

Timecop

Timecop: Timeless
99mins/1994/Action

Growing up in the 90’s there’re a few movies a boy must watch before he becomes a man…

GoldenEye
Terminator 2: Judgement Day
Hard Boiled
Point Break
Demolition Man

and Timecop!

Well maybe not Timecop or Demolition Man, but damn if Timecop doesn’t grow some hair on your chest then maybe you should rethink your life. Now I’m not going write all about the issues this film contains, mostly its the plot holes this film fosters. If your not one to pickup on plot holes while watching movies, this film is a bit different. They pop out like a sore thumb and you will not be able to shake them off your mind. One without spoiling anything is brought up in the beginning. A character states time travel isn’t possible in the future. The reason is because it hasn’t happened yet. Okay, that’s fine I accept that. But then in the film Van Damme goes into the future. Before I go into a rage and reason why this could and could not happen, the simple fact is they state he can’t, then they shouldn’t have written that into the film if they’re going to go against what they said. Another is the vehicle they use to time travel disappears, but in a very odd fashion they come back in one. So how is that possible?

Man! I said I wouldn’t talk about those damn issues yet I did. How does that lying feel to you Timecop? How does it sit with you?

Okay this isn’t a rant, but a review so I’ll stop myself from making that jump.

What this film is but pure fun and enjoyment. It’s a Jean-Claude Van Damme film, with 

JVCD high kicks! 
JVCD Acting! 
And JVCD Mullet!

This is the kind of film you watch with your buddies laughing and poking fun at. Timecop has a interesting story that might seem generic but at the same time it’s somewhat special. Time travel mixed with an evil politician who uses the program for his own gain. Ron Silver plays the politician McComb, he is the highlight of this film. Definitely my favorite part of the cast. Mia Sara plays Melissa. JVCD character’s wife. I’ve always liked Mia Sara and she looks really beautiful here but something about her voice kills me. It’s soft and seems to carry no emotion. This is the only film she seems to do this in and it ticks me off, a shit ton. Since we’re on the topic of what ticks me off, lets look at the biggest problem with this film. For me I’ve always thought it had possibilities that never came. For me it would of been fun to have more of the past then the present.

Particularly in the beginning with the Civil War scene. I find this to be the stronger part of what could of been. I wish the film took place during this time period, but instead we only got a small taste of it. (Watch the TV spin off series if you as well wanted that) What we got was a race to stop the politician and the generic subplot of the dead wife. Even with that, all is good.

The film is still enjoyable. I mean how can it not? Jean-Claude Van Damme and time travel. Come on!

If you enjoy Van Damme films then you will enjoy Timecop!

August 24, 2012

Expendables 2

NOSTALGIC

You ever found yourself starting a diet but end up cheating a few weeks in by eating a box of chocolate frosted donuts?  That is what watching Expendables 2 is like.  You know they are fattening.  You know they are bad for you.  But for the brief time it takes you to scarf those donuts down, you’re in heaven.
The spectrum of action films usually breaks down like this:  SMART.  SMART FUNFUNDUMB FUN.  OR JUST PLAIN DUMB.  Expendables 2, like it’s predecessor, falls completely under the DUMB FUN category.  It is a half a beat away from being a full on parody.  And that is why you can’t be as mad with Expendables 2 as you can be with this or this
1.  Is the plot nonexistent?  Yes.
2.  Is the acting bad?  Yes.
3.  Is the action unrealistic?  Yes.
4.  Is Father Time catching up to most of the cast?  Yes.
5.  Do I like to list things?  Yes.
Expendables 2, however, relies on it’s NOSTALGIA while giving enough winks at the camera to make sure we remember what it is.  A dumb, yet, fun love letter to 80s guilty pleasure action films.  If you’re under the age of 25, this sort of NOSTALGIA might not hold any relevance.  But if you’re a child of the 80s and remember how awesome First Blood Part 2 was, or how joyfully insane Commandowas, or how over the top in a good way Bloodsport was, this is the box of donuts for you.  Go ahead….cheat on your diet a little….then tell me I’m wrong.   

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