John McClane

December 23, 2015

The Simplistic Reviews Podcast (Ep. 60) December 2015

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

On this holiday episode of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast, Matthew’s Judeism is put to the test, Justin continues to try and make sense of the Prequels, DJ laments over Die Hard, and the boys have a hell of a time writing letters to Santa, spinning dreidels and breaking down the finale of Fargo.  All this and more on a Ho-Ho-Ho Holiday Show.


NOTES

Quentin vs Disney
Independence Day 2 Trailer
TMNT 2 Trailer
X-Men: Apocalypse Trailer

MUSIC
Die Hard Score By Michael Kamen
Couple Of Misfits By Burt Ives
Christmas Time Is Here By Vince Guaraldi Trio
Christmas In Hollis By Run D.M.C.
Ode To Joy By Ludwig van Beethoven

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September 21, 2014

SR Podcast (Ep. 30): September 2014 Die Hard: Movie Commentary

Christmas come early this year as the boys do a commentary for probably their favorite holiday film of all time.  The quintessential action film Die Hard.  Listen up for the syncing instructions and enjoy Die Hard the Simplistic Reviews way…with 3 numbskulls enthusiastically giggling over it.

Show Notes:
Alan Rickman’s Answering Machine
Let’s order a pizza!
Bill Clay

Music Notes:
Die Hard Ode To Joy 


December 25, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: December Holiday Edition

‘Tis the season to talk movies and TV…and R.Kelly…and…um… Jolene Blalock’s disappearance…and Lara Flynn Boyle?  I’m pretty sure that’s not how the song goes.

An oddly optimistic Justin Polizzi makes his triumphant return and unveils his latest character impression.  Neal DaSouza joins us again to talk some anime and take dictation.  DJ is confused over the midseason finale of The Walking Dead and discovers he has some sort of Die Hard Tourette’s Syndrome.  Matt starts an all out war between people of the Jewish faith and jolly ol’ Saint Nick in a new segment called Dear Santa.  And a crippled little boy is able to walk again at the end.  It’s a Christmas Miracle!  Sorry, that last bit I made up or partially stole from Charles Dickens.  But I swear, the rest of that stuff does happen on the holiday edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

Show Notes:
Ellis From Die Hard
Police Academy
R.Kelly Cookie Song
Detective Quentin Lance
Akira
Jolene Blalock
Lara Flynn Boyle Is Melting

Music:
“Holiday Road” By Lindsey Buckingham
“Christmas In Hollis” By Run D.M.C.
“Christmas Time Is Here” By Vince Guaraldi
“The Best” By Tina Turner
“Let It Snow” By Vaughn Monroe


FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.

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June 11, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: May Edition

May…..June….who cares?  It’s another Simplistic Reviews Podcast posting in June, but they’re talking about things in May.  Yeah, that’s just how these clowns roll.

From Philip Seymour Hoffman’s smack habit to the benefits of drinking whiskey during a podcast (thanks Matt), we got you covered.  Oh, and why HPV saved Michael Douglas’ life.

The guys also unleash their newest segment “Hey Fu*khead” where they unload on people and things that are ruining the world and the sad lives of DJ, Justin, and Matt.

And for you TV-heads, our hosts take a look at the upcoming Fall TV schedule and break down what to see, what to watch with caution, and what to avoid like the plague.

Also, if you get tired of our site reading reviews, head over to SlaughterFilm.com, click on the link on their page, and get re-directed back to our site.  Counter-productive? I think not, because Cory and Forest are doing the Devil’s work over on SlaughterFilm.

*Correction to podcast:  Alan Silvestri did not score the Friday the 13th films, it was actually Harry Manfredini.

Show Notes:

Hoffman’s Habit
The Rains of Castamere
Best of Fall TV 2013
Deep Throating for HPV

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.

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April 5, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Elite 8 Results: FILM GOOD

JAMES BOND (1) WINNER
JOHN McCLANE (3)

Let’s do this one by the numbers;
1.  They both use guns.
2.  They both hate women.
3.  They both try to uphold justice, in their own way of course.

What sets these two apart is that one wears a tuxedo while the other a bloody, dirty, smell tank-top.  While I applaud John’s taste in fashion, there are two things that are forever; Diamonds, and stylish, black tuxedos.  There are rules for police men, but as for Bond, the only rule resides in the bullets he puts through McClane’s chest.  Happy Trails John…..

March 28, 2013

A Good Day to Die Hard

A Good Day to Die Hard: Bullshit

98mins/Action/2013

Might have some spoiling but hey this film spoiled all that was good in the Die Hard universe.

Apparently this was a Die Hard Film…

Die Hard is and will always be the best or one of the best action films ever. Its even in my mind of one of the best films period. Then they did Die Hard 2 which is fine you know its okay, it has wisecracking John McClane so it a fun film. Then we got Die Hard: With a Vengeance which is fantastic! With Samuel L. Jackson this film got very close to original Die Hard. But those two are kinda different, the biggest is Die Hard with a Vengeance’s scope is so much larger, this time it’s racing around New York. Compared too Die Hard which was pretty much 99.9% in a building (which just goes to show you how incredible that film is). Years later we got another one, Live Free or Die Hard. And at the time I had issues with it but it was just fine and I kinda left it at that (I’ll come back to this later).

Then this year we got A Good Day to Die Hard and boy did I die inside. I could make a long ass list of the issues with this film but its not worth your time. So here is just a small bit of the bullshit this film was.

Story is very weak

Plot holes coming out of its ass

Bruce Willis SUCKS…John McClane never shows up

Weak Villain

Shitty Directing.

A Ending that made me shake my head in pain.

His son (Listen he wasn’t that bad, clearly the film was written for him but I came to see John not Jack)

The stupid “Jack we thought you went to Russia and where doing drugs, bullshit, no dad I work for the CIA” It just doesn’t work for me.
And so on…

Action was way out there, going through like 4 floors into water at Chernobyl and just acting like it wasn’t anything. Oh shit and there is a scene where his son gets a piece of rebar in him and they talk and talk then hey lets pull that bar out and boom he’s all good and healed.

Okay so Bruce Willis WTF? He never seems like he wants to be here. The thing about McClane is he is a fantastic character and honestly his lines never seemed like McClane nor did Bruce who was just Bruce. I have a sad theory that the new GI Joe film will have him play a more McClane like character, and that’s not good.
The Ending is so shitty its just sad. Here is what I would do. I would have him get off the plane and meet is Wife and Daughter and BOOM they all die and we end the pain I must now go through in life knowing Die Hard has a shitty film like this. I hated that damn ending. The music, them talking and not hearing what they’re saying (I mean its fine but that went on for like 2 min’s and I kept saying what the hell are they saying?). Then it ends with John half of the screen. The shot was so off it made me very upset. Listen it sums up the film, Johns is half off in this film (Should of been on the poster).
So back to The Live Free or Die Hard. I didn’t care for it when it came out but I watched it again and you know what its so much better compared to this shitfest,  even Bruce seems and sounds like John, why did they not just end it on that one…Oh yeah greed, the number #1 Killer of movies today.
…Oh I paid to watch this. Hummm wonder why people watch movies online, oh yeah to save their hard earned money and not waste it on films that should of never been made…never!
And sorry for the rant with spelling errors but I’m writing this and I quickly started to run away…So depressed.



July 19, 2012

Die Hard

 QUINTESSENTIAL

That budget wasting/cgi wasting/oxygen wasting Michael Bay has proven to us that anyone can do an action film. However, not just anyone can do it well. There is one action film that ALL other action films are judged to when it comes to greatest ever. And that is the QUINTESSENTIAL action film Die Hard. No, there wasn’t some racial stereotype of a robot blowing up random things under the shadow of the American flag while some Victoria’s Secret runway model struggles to put words together in an attempt to get the director’s d*ck hard. (I hate Transformers if that wasn’t clear)

No, there isn’t a square jawed, Zzzzzzzz…boring, goody-goody, untouchable, unflappable, hero that relates to the audience as equally well as a f*cking block of wood. No, the villain wasn’t some dumb faceless one note straw man for the hero to do battle with. Die Hard was about a regular guy who found himself in the wrong place at the wrong time against a sophisticated and scarily realistic criminal. Yes, it has explosions. Yes, it has one liners.(Possibly The Greatest Of All Time) Yes, it has unbelievable stunts. But at its core is a normal guy doing amazing things NOT to just save the day, but to survive. In doing that, Die Hard put us in the shoes…or bare feet…of John McClane….And that’s why it works so well. That’s why its the best. 
As far as legacy is concerned, it was the benchmark example on how to pitch and/or promote an action movie for years. “Its Die Hard in a grocery store!” “Its Die Hard in a school!” “Its Die Hard in space!” Terminator 2 comes close but Die Hard was the first action film to have the perfect balance of action, story, performances, comedy, and pure spectacle. If you’re one of the alarming number of people living under rocks and haven’t seen it, watch it. If you have seen it, watch it again….then tell me I’m wrong.
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