March Madness

April 7, 2015

Slaughter Film Presents: Action Movie Time Machine – Simon Sez

IT’S ALL JUST TOO MUCH

Well I had a lot to chose from for this “March Madness” related trek. There are so many options, “Space Jam” with Micheal Jordan, “Steel” & “Kazaam” with Shaq, Kevin Durant in “Thunderstruck”, and Gheorghe Muresan in “My Giant” with Billy Crystal… But, fuck those movies. 
The lonely few that are cool enough to talk about are Wilt Chamberlain in “Conan the Destroyer”. But this is a pretty small part and I’m sure we’ll discuss the Conan films in detail before long. And of course there is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar from “Airplane”, but more importantly “Game of Death” with Bruce Lee.
With all these options I bet you’re wondering what we will be boarding the “Action Movie Time Machine” for this time. Well, another Rodman flick. Yep. Way back when, the studio wanted to make a sequel to “Double Team“, but that never happened. Someone else — who didn’t have the rights to the title, characters or JVCD — decided to go ahead with the film anyhow using whatever was left on the table. Which was Rodman, the “cyber monks” and Dane Cook for some reason. No good can come of this. No good can come of “Simon Sez”.
The year is 1999. MySpace & Napster are born onto the Internet while Barbie turns 40. The West Nile virus appears in the United States, Lance Armstrong “wins” his 1st Tour de France, and people lose their minds over Y2K.
THE SKINNY
The film begins with Simon, Denis Rodman, investigating an arms dealer/terrorist for Interpol with some help from his “Cyber Monk” friends Micro & Macro, John Pinette & Ricky Harris. Micro & Macro are using their robo-fly to eves drop on the arms deal, all while making “hilarious” jokes that would cause “Paul Blart” to pop a stitch. “Sorry Simon, we’re working out a few bugs.”. ‘Cause it’s a robot fly, get it? GET IT?! Micro & Macro are the comedic relief and I hate it already.
None of this stuff really matters. It’s just an introduction to the characters – the same way Bond movies always start with Bond finishing up an assignment before the REAL story starts.

Soon after, Simon is relaxing on a French beach when he encounters Nick Miranda, Dane Cook. At first Nick tries to bullshit Simon, pretending to know him from his days at the CIA, but Simon sees through his rouse and then learns that Nick works for a tech company and has been given the job of delivering a briefcase filled with two million dollars as a ransom payment to rescue his boss’s daughter. Nick did some research on Simon in hopes that he could be coerced into helping which inevitably happens.

After the deal goes bad, Simon and Nick escape to Simon’s headquarters where he opens the briefcase to find a CD where the money should be. The monks attempt to read the disc, but it is secured with Department of Defense encryption. Now Simon takes is upon himself to rescue the girl while protecting the DoD disc with help from Nick and the monks. By the way, the software on the disc can turn any telescope into a laser weapon…or something.
The monks do some digging and discover that a man named Bernard Gabrielli is the one who has kidnapped the girl. He is using her for leverage to gain the disc that he will then sell to Ashton, the arms dealer/terrorist from the beginning of the film. As it turns out, Gabrielli is trying to get the disc to save his son – the kidnapped daughters love interest – who Ashton threatened to kill. I guess it’s Ashton’s plan to have others do his dirty work so he seems unconnected to any of the crimes.

Around this time Nick learns that his boss is unsatisfied with his handy-word and tells him that he will soon be in France to hand over a copy of the disc to Ashton in person. Simon and Nick use this as an opportunity to save the day. They even recruit Gabrielli’s son, Michael, who happens to be a kung fu/parkour expert. I don’t know why his father was so worried about his wellbeing. He’s a bad-ass.

Nick, Michael and Simon’s GF, who I hadn’t mentioned until now because she isn’t very important to the story, fight through Ashton’s gang of motorcycle clowns to rescue the girl. Simon follows Ashton to The French Telescope. I assume that’s what it’s called. The two fight it out and Simon impales Ashton with a sword which pierces some telescope power supply that electrocutes both him and the telescope. Simon narrowly escapes before the building explodes.

The film ends with that one guy’s daughter and that other guy’s son marrying each other, Simon and his GF go on a date and the monks chat with Nick, who is now an Interpol agent himself. The End.

THE VERDICT
Ironically, the problem with “Simon Sez” isn’t Rodman – it’s almost everything else. That’s not entirely fair. The film has a simple action plot that I’ve seen a dozen times, but that’s okay – it works. Rodman isn’t a great actor but he also isn’t awful. He is easier to take serious in this than compared to “Double Team”. The film has some pretty fast paced fight scenes, some of which feature Xin Xin Xiong who is another remnant of “Double Team”. These are the highlight of the film in my opinion, but everything else…bad.
And it’s not that it’s bad exactly, it’s just hard to focus on the film when I’m rolling my eyes at the constant jokes that are as if they’re from a kids cartoon. The Cyber Monks, if done serious, could have been interesting…maybe. But there is too much of them and I hate it.

Not to mention, the monks are the comedic relief, and with them, why did the film need ANOTHER funny man? Dane does a great job bringing his goofy energy and physical comedy to the screen but it’s just too much. He and Rodman may have made for an interesting “odd couple” scenario, but they are interrupted too often by the monks.
Here is an example of “too much”; Nick secretly follows Simon to his headquarters, the basement of a church, where the monks see him enter with their security cameras. They use a mic and speakers to make Nick think that God is talking to him. Then “God” makes Nick dance the “running man” before they drop him down a into the basement with a trap door. Once he is in the basement, they pretend to be “Killer Monks” by shooting at Nick with blank filled Glocks… Why is all of this in a movie?
“Simon Sez” is strange because it’s better than “Double Team” in some ways and god awful in others, and unfortunately doesn’t have JVCD to carry it along.
After watching this movie again, I can’t help but compare it to ANY other action movie combined with “Richie Rich”.
I’m Cory Carr and this concludes another trip on the “Action Movie Time Machine”. Until next time, Semper Fi Punk!
For more from Cory, check out his website slaughterfilm.com, where he and his good friend Forest Taylor record weekly podcasts, reviewing the films that are legendary, even in Hell!

March 16, 2015

Slaughter Film Presents: Action Movie Time Machine – Double Team

Well it’s March, and with it comes March Madness. To honor the basketball gods, we will be loading up the “Action Movie Time Machine” with the dial set to the decedent year of 1997 to visit Dennis Rodman, before he became the American ambassador to North Korea.
The year is 1997. Howard Stern showed everyone his “Private Parts”, police investigate the murder of the Notorious B.I.G., and the Bundy family say goodbye as “Married With Children” comes to an end. All this, and someone thought it was a good idea to put NBA star Dennis Rodman in “Double Team”.
THE SKINNY
Jack Quinn, Jean-Claude Van Damme, is a special forces spy type who has recently retired so he can be with his wife when she gives birth to their first child. His retirement plans get cut short as he is sent out on one last mission to apprehend an international terrorist for hire who goes by the name Stavros, Mickey Rourke. Quinn has spent years trying to capture Stavros, so naturally, when Stavros comes out of hiding, Quinn is just the man for the job.
Quinn is sent to lead a Delta team in the capture of Stavros, but first we have to introduce the elephant in the room. Quinn visits the gay-bar district of town to meet up with his contact, Yaz, Dennis Rodman. Yaz, is interesting. He…well, is dressed like Dennis Rodman. Dennis Rodman is more or less playing himself in this movie. In fact, Dennis Rodman is playing Dennis Rodman pretending to be an underground arms dealer who has recently decided to work exclusively with the “good guys”. This scene isn’t so important. It simply introduces his character so we’re familiar with him later.
So, Quinn buys some weapons, that apparently the Delta Team can’t get their hands on, and he and the Deltas head after Stavros.
Their intelligence says that Stavros will be visiting a Dutch amusement park. The Delta team show up early and set up a sting operation complete with a tranquilizing sniper who will take Stavros alive. When he arrives, Quinn wonders why he would bother with an amusement park? Is he planning a terrorist attack? Well it turns out that he was visiting his son.
Soon the Deltas are discovered, a shoot out begins and Stavros’ son is shot in the cross fire. Quinn chases Stavros on foot and is lead to a nearby hospital where they fight it out in the nursery. Stavros manages to escape when he  throws a grenade at Quinn. Quinn opts for saving the children and this allows Stavros to go free.
When Quinn wakes up from the explosion he finds himself on a remote island as the newest member of “The Colony”. The Colony is where special agents go when why are no longer effective. They are too dangerous to be set free and too valuable to kill. Instead they are gathered together to analyze data and help world governments capture terrorists and fight rogue nations. This idea is a 100% rip-off of a ’60s British television series called The Prisoner.
After a few days and two training montages, Quinn fights his way off the island and swims through laser infested waters before being picked up by a cargo plane that Quinn climbs into in mid-air. Once on the ground, he recruits the help of Yaz who offers to take him to see his wife – who thought Quinn was dead. I don’t know why they didn’t just drive, but Quinn and Yaz parachute into Quinn’s backyard inside an invention Yaz came up with himself. It’s a giant air filled globe the encases the person wearing it, allowing them to safely float down to the surface of the Earth…It’s a fuckin’ basketball!
Anyhow, once Quinn arrives at his house, he discovers that it’s a trap set by Stavros. Stavros has kidnapped Quinn’s pregnant wife and is planning to take the child for himself to replace the one killed in the shoot out. Yeah, that’ll teach Quinn!
Quinn and Yaz follow the Stavros trail to Italy where Yaz uses his monk connections to zero in on him. “Monk connections”, you ask? Yep, apparently a while back Yaz built the monk’s some “main frame processor” complete with a dial-up connection to the world wide web. The “cyber-monks” are grateful and most eager to repay Yaz.
The monks help Quinn locate his wife, who is at a hospital giving birth. By the time Quinn arrives, the baby has been hatched and Stavros is gone. Fortunately one of the nurses knows his plans.
Quinn follows Stavros to the Coliseum where he and Yaz must fight through Stavros’ goons before Quinn and Stavros fight it out surrounded by land mines. If that wasn’t enough, Stavros brought along a bangle tiger. Stavros sure knows how to party.
Yaz saves the baby while Quinn and  Stavros battle – which is a pretty decent fight sequence. Everything ends when Stavros steps on one of his own land mines – blowing up both himself, the tiger and the entire arena…for some reason. When all is said and done, Quinn rides off into the night with his newborn son. The End.
THE VERDICT
I feel like “Double Team” was the precursor to “Rush Hour”. I might be giving “Double Team” more credit than it deserves but each film shares quite a bit with the other. They each team-up a martial marts master with a wisecracking black man… Okay, that the only similarity. But “Double Team” did come out over a year before “Rush Hour”. And if movies like “Deep Impact” & “Armageddon”, “Dante’s Peak” & “Volcano”, and “White House Down” & “Olympus Has Fallen” are any indication that studios are totally willing to rip of each others idea while are still being developed, I’m sure the same could be said about “Double Team” & “Rush Hour”.
“Double Team” is kind of…bad. But there is good to be found within it. Like Van Damme’s fighting…and splits. There are many of the action sequences that are well filmed and turn out to be pretty entertaining. My problems with the film is also the action sequences. While they are entertaining, they are designed to be so over the top that I can’t take them seriously. They are so overly complicated that they stop making sense. These problems really show the films age, as everything in the ’90s had to be the most extreme at all costs. Example; The final showdown that results in a hand to hand fight to the death…in the Coliseum…surrounded by land mines…and there’s a tiger. Are you fucking kidding me?!
Rodman is another problem. So naturally, to help sell the film the studio wanted an interesting celebrity. He dressed outlandish and fooled around with Pamela Anderson and this made him famous.  And now we have a sub-par action flick that’s full of his strange outfits and colorful hair-dos. His popularity was a bit of a passing fad, and again, this movie shows it’s age. Oh, and everything Rodman says becomes a cheesy basketball related one-liner.
My REAL problem with this movie is it’s story telling. There is no attention to detail and no effort to develop the characters. Van Damme’s character is a special forces spy type, but who does he work for? Why does Rodman’s character so chummy with Italian monks and why do the monks have the internet? I could go on asking these dumb questions but I won’t bother. It seemed like the writers had a hand full of “awesome” ideas and had to find a way to get them all to fit together without wasting too much time on explaining anything.
In the end, the core of this movie is interesting; how the spies have a lose network they belong to and when the “retire” they go to The Colony – but everything else is gimmicky crap.
I’m Cory Carr and this concludes another trip on the “Action Movie Time Machine”. Until next time, Semper Fi Punk!
For more from Cory, check out his website slaughterfilm.com, where he and his good friend Forest Taylor record weekly podcasts, reviewing the films that are legendary, even in Hell!

 

 
 

 
 

April 8, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Final Four Results: BAD

HANNIBAL LECTER (1) WINNER

BEN LINUS (2)


Ben Linus seems to always hide his motives through politeness.  Something that could keep Doctor Lecter at bay for a while.  However, Ben’s massive inferiority complex is a glaring weakness that Hannibal could exploit and turn on him.

April 8, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Final Four Results: GOOD

JAMES BOND (1) WINNER
BUFFY SUMMERS (2)

There has been a litany of butt kicking babes Bond has had to befall.  Buffy’s name can now be added to the list.  Right in between Xenia Onatopp and May Day.  May Day.   James Bond slept with Grace Jones.  Fact. (SHIVER)


April 5, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Elite 8 Results: FILM BAD


HANNIBAL LECTER (1) WINNER
THE JOKER (2)

Two master manipulators, but there can only be one winner.  Bottom line; The Joker is just a mad dog off the leash.  Hannibal knows how to train any canine no matter how deranged or psychotic.  The good doctor sets the table, opens a bottle of Chateau d’Yquem, proceeds to filet the Clown Prince of Crime with a linoleum knife, and feeds the rest to his pooches.  It’s going to take a lot of explaining on how he got THESE scars.

April 5, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Elite 8 Results: FILM GOOD

JAMES BOND (1) WINNER
JOHN McCLANE (3)

Let’s do this one by the numbers;
1.  They both use guns.
2.  They both hate women.
3.  They both try to uphold justice, in their own way of course.

What sets these two apart is that one wears a tuxedo while the other a bloody, dirty, smell tank-top.  While I applaud John’s taste in fashion, there are two things that are forever; Diamonds, and stylish, black tuxedos.  There are rules for police men, but as for Bond, the only rule resides in the bullets he puts through McClane’s chest.  Happy Trails John…..

April 5, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Elite 8 Results: TV BAD

BEN LINUS (2) WINNER
CERSEI LANNISTER (8)

Every Cinderella story must come to an end; especially for a woman who has sex with her brother, makes said brother throw a young boy out of a tower, lie about it, have more sex with other family members, and oh yeah, be a total bi*ch!  Ben Linus shows why he is the master manipulator once again and sends Cersei all the way back to Lannisport in a pine box.  This Lannister just couldn’t pay off her debts.

April 5, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Elite 8 Results: TV GOOD

JACK BAUER (1)
BUFFY SUMMERS (2) WINNER

In one corner; the protector of black presidents, Chinese torture survivor, and a guy that shoots Robocop’s wife to obtain information that might save the U.S. from a nuclear attack.  In the other corner; slayer of vampires, demons, aliens, and other evil entities that look to take over the world, while doing all of this before cheerleading practice.  In the battle between two of TV’s most bad-ass heroes, it came down to a razor-thin margin.  Ms. Summers was able to drive the final stake through Jack Bauer’s heart to bring home the TV Hero Championship to Sunnydale.  Just one too many bad days for old Jack.

April 2, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Sweet 16 Results: FILM BAD

HANNIBAL LECTER (1) WINNER
DARTH VADER (4)

If there was any Star Wars character in need of psychotherapy it would be Anakin Skywalker.  Mommy issues, daddy issues, inferiority complexes, obsessive behavior, night terrors, megalomania, depression, mental trauma, and so on.  All gravy for Dr. Lecter.  Anakin has also proven to be easily duped by the kinder older gentlemen hiding a dark secret.  They don’t get much darker than Hannibal.  Not even Palpatine dined on his enemies.  

THE JOKER (2) WINNER
KHAN NOONIEN SINGH (3)

A man out for revenge is a scary thing.  A man out for chaos is even more frightening.  Khan’s relentless linear thinking eventually makes him predictable.  There is no telling what depths or what ends The Joker would go to.  The Joker’s intellect is also very comparable to Khan’s.  The difference is Khan isn’t certifiably insane.  A genius level intellect in the hands of a mad man is the personification of chaos.  

April 2, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Sweet 16 Results: TV BAD

BOYD CROWDER (5) 
CERSEI LANNISTER  (8) WINNER

The one thing you have to admire about Cersei is her survival instincts.  She seems to always get her way.  She can get more done with a goblet in her hand than Boyd could with a gun.  Even in defeat, Boyd could still probably respect that.

BEN LINUS (2) WINNER
TRINITY KILLER (6)

Ben Linus may not have the flare for the dramatic like T.K., but he always gets the job done.  He is relentless and getting his way and sometimes without even getting his hands dirty.

Welcome to the new home of SimplisticReviews.net - We're currently still working on the site. You might notice a few issues, please be patient with us. Thanks! (Store also in testing — no orders shall be fulfilled.)
Scroll to top