Xena

March 31, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Sweet 16 Results: TV GOOD

JACK BAUER (1) WINNER
XENA (5)

You know, even against a demi-god I don’t find it hard to believe Jack Bauer would find a way to win.  His bloodlust is probably on par if not more so than the warrior princess.  The same with his rage.  The more I think about it, are we certain Jack isn’t the God of war?
BUFFY SUMMERS (2) WINNER
RAYLAN GIVENS (3)

Raylan’s southern charm and steely stare is ineffective against The Slayer.  Mainly because of Raylan’s weakness for hot blondes.  His ex-wife Winona, His ex-girlfriend Ava, that con artist bartender, and now Buffy.  All those girls have gotten the best of Raylan in one way or another.  However, Buffy is the only one badass enough to jam a wooden stake through the side of that Stetson.  
March 29, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Round Two Results: TV GOOD

JACK BAUER (1) WINNER
TYRION LANNISTER (9)

Well, you can add midget to the magna carta long kill list of people Jack Bauer has sent to the next world.  All he needs is a wizard, a dinosaur, and a unicorn and he gets a free smoothie.

BUFFY SUMMERS (2) WINNER
SHERLOCK HOLMES (7)

Much to the objection of fellow British smarty pants Giles, Buffy takes care of the world’s greatest detective with relative ease.  Somewhere Moriarty is slapping his forehead muttering, “You’re telling me all I needed was a stake?!”

TITUS PULLO (6)

RAYLAN GIVINS (3) WINNER


Pullo has Raylan beat physically, but Raylan could easily out think the rugged Roman warrior.  Knowing that Raylan has to deal with people as big and physically imposing a Titus F%*king Pullo on a daily basis makes me NEVER want to go to Kentucky.

XENA (5) WINNER 
OMAR LITTLE (4)

Omar may have been warring on the mean streets of Baltimore for his entire life, but Xena has been warring around uncivilized lands filled with wizards, gods, and god knows what else.  Oh and speaking of warring, it has been speculated that Xena’s father was actually Ares.  Ares as in THE GOD OF F%*KING WAR.  Sorry Omar, its all in the game.

March 23, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Round One Results: TV GOOD

ARYA STARK (16)
JACK BAUER (1) WINNER

If this matchup was based on potential badassery, Arya (SPOILER ALERT FOR THINGS TO COME) would win hands down.  However, Arya is just scratching the surface of being a badass. She’s a survivor akin to Matilda in Leon: The Professional (Even here I had to refer to it).  Jack Bauer, on the other hand, has been a badass survivor for years.  Since the closest our country thought we’d get to a black president was the Allstate guy.  And if you think Bauer doesn’t have what it takes to put young, sweet Arya down, I recall a time where Jack shot a suspect’s wife in the leg in order to convince said suspect to give him a lead.  A lead that didn’t even pan out.  He’d have no trouble wiping the floor with our favorite wayward Stark.

MAL REYNOLDS (15)
BUFFY SUMMERS (2) WINNER


In the matchup I call “The Whedon War” our favorite space smuggler…um okay…our second favorite space smuggler Mal Reynolds found himself up against the vampire slaying extraordinaire Buffy Summers.  With their equal wit and back up partners thrown out the window, it would come down to physical prowess and resume.  Buffy has Mal beat with the physical.  And With Firefly lasting barely a season, Mal’s body count can’t compare with Buffy’s resume of a thousand vamps slain, including her true love and DRACULA, hellmouths closed, demons decapitated, werewolves whacked, cyborgs stopped, inter-dimensional beings beaten, singing succeeded, and a triumph over the first evil EVER.  Buffy stakes her claim to victory.  And no the result have nothing to do with the fact I’ve had the hots for Sarah Michelle Gellar since I Know What You Did Last Summer. 

RAYLAN GIVENS (3) WINNER
DARYL DIXON (14)

Nobody loves a redneck good ol’ boy until the zombie apocalypse hits.  When it does, it pays to have an ass kicking guy like Daryl Dixon by your side.  However, someone like Daryl Dixon is the type of guy US Marshall Raylan Givens HANDLES on a day to day basis in Harlan County.  I’d love to see the snark off before the shoot out alone.  However, Raylan dispatches Daryl lickety split.

OMAR LITTLE (4) WINNER
B.A. BARACUS (13)

Really?  The only two black guys in this conference go against each other?!  As the lone black reviewer for Simplistic Reviews, I would be offended if it wasn’t for the fact THIS IS THE ONE MATCHUP I’D ACTUALLY PAY TO SEE.  Baracus is, by name alone, a badass.  However, he still has the discipline to follow Hannibal’s orders.  Omar Little don’t follow no one but Omar Little.  Hell, even the President loves him.  Now, you can either be a soldier, or you can go out to the streets and get into some real gangsta sh*t.  In the immortal words of Omar Little himself, “Indeed.”

XENA (5) WINNER
RICK GRIMES (12)

Seeing as for the first three seasons of Walking Dead, all Rick Grimes did was get run over and guilt tripped to death by his despicable wife, how long do you think he’d last against A WARRIOR F*%KING PRINCESS.  Xena doesn’t eat his brains but does eat his lunch.

TITUS PULLO (6) WINNER
RON SWANSON (11)


One is a savage,  no nonsense, barbarian of a man who is more comfortable wielding an axe in an ancient Colosseum than listening to the dodderings of the heads of state.  The other is Titus Pullo.  Ron Swanson was a man born in the wrong century for sure.  However, Pullo is more man than even Ron could handle.  The mustache did give him a fighting chance though.  

KARA “STARBUCK” THRACE (10)
SHERLOCK HOLMES (7) WINNER

Man, I hate to see two of my favorite TV characters go at it.  Starbuck is seriously one of the most groundbreaking female characters television has seen in a while.  She doesn’t nearly get the recognition she deserves.  The best thing about Kara, however, is the worst thing.  She leads with her emotions at all times.  Something the world‘s greatest detective could easily exploit.  And unless your last name is Adler, your feminine wiles aren’t working on good ol’ Sherlock.  Sherlock wins…no sh*t. 

TYRION LANNISTER (9) WINNER
MICHAEL WESTEN (8)

The conferences first and only upset comes from the House of Lannister.  Michael Westen and Tyrion Lannister are great at thinking on the fly and surviving with whatever means they can muster.   However, Michael has been a sucker for manipulation from the beginning.  And no one manipulates better than Tyrion.  I’m not even gonna think of what he’d do to Fiona.  With the betting public in a frenzy this month, it is a good thing that a Lannister always pays his debts. 

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