one word reviews of Movies and TV

Friday, March 23, 2018

(Ep. 101): Undefeatable - Movie Commentary: Match 2018


 1994 ‧ Thriller/Action ‧ 1h 35m 4.1/10 · IMDb
The boys of Simplistic Reviews are back! Let's be honest you never believed Ep. 100 was our last... did you? No we can't stop with all these crappy movies out there. Plus the current world we live in needs some terrible grotesque jokes.

So sit back, turn off the lights and enjoy some undefeatable suck...its pretty sad.

Kristi Jones (Cynthia Rothrock) who, along with her gang, take part in Mafia-run street fights to earn money for her sister's college education. Kristi's sister hopes to become a doctor and pay for Kristi's education.

Meanwhile, an underground fighter by the name of "Stingray" (Don Niam) is left by his scared wife, Anna, after raping her, and vows to find her. Stingray has suffered from abandonment issues since early childhood and this new trauma triggers a psychotic break from reality. He begins to kidnap women who resemble his ex-wife, and subsequently tortures them and gouges their eyes out before returning their bodies to the crime scene. Kristi's sister becomes one of the victims, so Kristi tracks down Stingray with the help of police officer Nick DiMarco (John Miller), who might just be falling for her, alongside her sister's psychiatry tutor Jennifer (Donna Jason) and Nick's partner Mike (Gerald Klein).

They eventually track down Stingray, who has kidnapped Jennifer, and fight in a warehouse where he escapes after shooting and killing Mike. Jennifer's injuries, though relatively minor, require that she be admitted to the hospital where she is again kidnapped by Stingray who is impersonating a doctor. Kristi and Nick chase him to a storage area where the three do battle, mostly through hand-to-hand combat. Stingray is bested by the pair, having both eyes gouged out in the process. He's then suspended by the eye-sockets with a meat hook, killing him.

The final scene shows with Kristi and her friends visiting her late sister's resting place to inform her that Stingray has finally been defeated. It is revealed that Kristi has somehow enrolled her former gang in college to give them a chance at a better life, and that Kristi has also been enrolled in college by Nick. The film ends with the group engaging in an impassioned four way high-five.

Saturday, March 3, 2018

Movie Review: Annihilation

What do extra terrestrials have in store when they finally come to Earth to check the place out, enslave us and take over for us since we've done such a great job. That's a question that's been asked in books, radio theater, video games and films for over a century. Whether they are benevolent visitors like "E.T.", curious visitors from "Close Encounters of the Third Kind," or killing machines on the hunt in "Predator," the idea of aliens and and their relationship with Earth has been an interesting one to say the least.

Our latest odyssey into extra terrestrials and their fascination with the Earth comes in the form of "Annihilation" directed by Alex Garland, who brought us our impending nightmare we'll face with Artificial Intelligence in "Ex Machina."

Based on the "Southern Reach" trilogy of books by Jeff VanderMeer from 2014, in which a meteor lands and the land surrounding begins to re-claim itself and continues to expand. "Annihilation" is based on the first book in the series where a squad of tough women enter what is called Area X to explore and find the reason for the expansion of what is called "The Shimmer."

What works for "Annihilation" is that it never holds your hand or tells you what is happening. You also have some very strong performances for the entire cast which includes Natalie Portman, Gina Rodriguez, Tessa Thompson and Jennifer Jason Leigh, all of which comprise most of the squad who enter "The Shimmer" for answers on why previous expeditions have disappeared to never return with the exception of one person, played by Oscar Isaac.

The female leads all come from different background, yet share a commonality; they are flawed in either a physical or psychological way, which eventually leads to their breakdown and eventually succumbing to "The Shimmer" There are a lot of blink and you miss it moments which gives you a reason to watch this film over and over to pick up the subtle nuances that Garland throws in.

Where "Annihilation" might lose some people is once again, the same way it will bring people in. Garland isn't interested in spelling things out for the audience. None of the characters are painted as either protagonists or antagonists, they are all searching for meaning, just like us, the audience.

"Annihilation" can be read into as much or as little as you feel necessary. Is it a standard sci-fi film where aliens are taking over slowly? Sure. Is it a film about becoming one with nature again, becoming self-less, and giving yourself up to something that might be bigger than you? Sure. There are so many ways to read this film, and that's what makes it great, and where it leaves the audience come the end opens up more conversation for, hopefully, the next two films to complete the trilogy.

While I love the bright shiny colors and psychedelic trip Garland took me on, I especially love the attention world he creates and the conflicts it creates within the characters. It reminds me of what I love about "The Thing," Sure, the creature effects are great, but give me conflict and something with stakes.

As far as I'm concerned, Garland is two-for-two in the directors chair and if this trilogy is allowed to be seen through, I could see it as some of the most epic science fiction in the last 20 years or so. So please don't judge "Annihilation" yet as it's still incomplete week as far as I'm concerned.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

(Ep. 100): The One Hundredth Simplistic Reviews Podcast: February 2018

It’s here!
  No, not your tax return…
No, not another government shutdown…
No, not an actual picture of Venom…

It’s the 100th episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast!  We got a guest list so prestigious and respected, it should run for president…please…someone…anyone…run for president.  So if you’re going on a short drive on a long road or a long walk off a short pier, stick this in your ear holes and enjoy the bad comedy styling of Matthew Stewart, DJ Valentine, and Justin Polizzi for the 100th time…and then…for the love of God…run for president.

Triumph March By Verdi
Neon Love By Jeff Dale, Gavin Harrison & Tim Reilly
Dark City Beats By John 00 Fleming
Utopia In Peril By Chillout
Plain Jane By Sid Phillips

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

(Ep. 99): Killer Workout - Movie Commentary: February 2018

Killer Workout
1987 ‧ 1h 25m
Killer Workout, also known under the original title Aerobicide, is a 1986 American slasher film written and directed by David A. Prior. It stars Marcia Karr, David James Campbell, Fritz Matthews, Ted Prior, and Teresa Van der Woude. Wikipedia
Initial release: 1987
Director: David A. Prior
Screenplay: David A. Prior
Music composed by: Todd Hayen

Its here! You or someone requested it (Request a Movie)

Killer Workout
Did you plan to lose weight this year?
Well do we have an amazing offer you wouldn’t believe!

For one low prices of watch or listening to this Movie Commentary, you will lose weight in no time. Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary comes doctor recommended by the top in the business. Loss weight just by sitting! No more getting up and moving those arms. No more watching what you eat. With Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary anyone can lose weight fast just by sitting on your ass.

Just listen to this interview we did with two of our happy customers.

Anonymous 1 says - “It’s the best. I can sit all day eating KFC and McD with not worrying about my weight. Everyone says Donald you’re amazing. You look amazing and you’re the best in the world at everything. Do you work out? No I don’t because look at me. I’m amazing. People say and look I know people. People say I’m the best looking they have ever seen. And listen there has been like a few million, maybe a few billion, no one really knows for sure. Scientist have been looking for at least some time now and they don’t know. The Earth is only a couple hundred years old and when people say I’m the best looking that really means something. It true Hilary has to work out. I don’t because look at me. It’s a fact. People tell me these things. This is anonymous right? Okay then my friend here does it too. But I’m the best that’s what my daddy says!”

Us - Wow amazing isn’t it? How does your friend like it?

Anonymous 2 says - “Это лучшее, что говорит г-н Т. Россия никогда не разговаривала с президентом. Я хочу сделать этот факт, как вы говорите. Мы никогда не были в одной комнате вместе, как мы могли бы проводить выборы. Россия ничего не знает о оснащении. Мы считаем, что американская политика ошибается и составляет это. Россия любит, мы любим только. Мы знаем, что Америка нашла много фотографий и доказательств, связывающих Россию с президентом, но все эти фальшивые новости, которые вы знаете? Так что мы едим в том же KFC. Это преступление в вашей стране? Все поддельные новости. Ладно, мне нужно идти. Ты готов Дональд?

Anonymous 1 - “Yes Daddy”  

Us – Wait…What…Okay well thanks for telling us how this amazing product known as the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary works for you. Now since we know you will fall in love here is a sample.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

(Ep. 98): SR Podcast - January 2018


The boys at Simplistic Reviews are back for a brand new year of hijinks, hilarity, intrigue, and murder...well maybe not that last one.  On the January edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the gang not only tries to unravel the mystery of January Jones' secret baby daddy, they also discuss Star Wars, Star Trek, The Crown, The Wire, and the 1991 Macaulay Culkin animated series Wish Kid...yeah...we're still a pretty weird show.  The boys also reveal some secrets they're not too proud of in the segment Simply Ashamed.  All that, an office search, a porno movie experience and more on a brand new edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast

Wish Kid
January Jones Kid Mystery
The Wire's Best Scene
Billy Joel Accident

Sexy By Ben Sound
Ying And Yang By John 00 Fleming
The Croft By Joakim Karud

Check us out on FacebookTwitterYouTubeLetterboxd, and Pinterest

Friday, January 12, 2018

(Ep. 97): Fit To Kill - Movie Commentary: January 2018

Fit to Kill

1993 ‧ Thriller/Action ‧ 1h 34m

L.E.T.H.A.L. Agents Donna and Nicole, accompany and protect a wealthy Asian businessman and his rare diamond against a sinister international jewel thief.

Release: 1993
Director: Andy Sidaris
Screenplay: Andy Sidaris

There isn't anything to say about this film except it is amazing!

Please...Stop whatever your doing and watch this film now!

Honestly this is one of the best we have ever watched on the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary. It's been awhile and we are glad to come back to the films by Andy Sidaris. What more could you ask for...





I mean clearly it has everything. And to top it off the movie has one hell of a Bond undertone. Just wait till that we get there. We once again tip our hat to you Mr. Sidaris... Thank you! 
P.S. Be on the lookout for a young Kenny Powers

Friday, December 22, 2017

(Ep. 96): Jack Frost 2 - Movie Commentary: December 2017

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman

 2000 ‧ Slasher/Fantasy ‧ 1h 31m
 Sam (Christopher Allport) is traumatized by his experience the previous Christmas, battling Jack Frost (Matt Falletta), a murderous snowman possessed by a serial killer. His wife, Anne (Eileen Seeley), thinks a trip to the tropics will get his mind off the snow, so they pack their bags and head to a resort on an island in the Pacific. Meanwhile, the FBI accidentally resurrects Jack's remains during an experiment. Jack heads to the island, covers it in snow and embarks on another rampage.

Initial release: November 21, 2000
Director: Michael Cooney
Film series: Jack Frost Film Series
Music composed by: Chris Anderson
Screenplay: Michael Cooney
Well to finish off our Holiday Movie Commentaries we decided to dive into Jack Frost 2. There is much to say but watch the first Jack Frost and stop. Jack Frost 2 is not a good bad movie but a bad movie. They forgot the good this time around. So stay warm by that fire place and remember not to eat the yellow snow!
Happy Hanukkah
Merry Christmas
Happy Festivus
Happy New Year
and from us all at Simplistic Reviews thank you for listening and reading! We have big things planned this year we think you will enjoy!
 See you next year... 

Sunday, December 17, 2017

(Ep. 95): Elves - Movie Commentary: December 2017


1989 ‧ Drama/Horror ‧ 1h 29m

A department-store Santa Claus (Dan Haggerty) discovers a Neo-Nazi plot to mate a nice girl (Julie Austin) with an elf in Colorado.
Release date:  October 24, 1989
Director: Jeffrey Mandel
Screenplay: Jeffrey Mandel
Music composed by: Vladimir Horunzhy

That time of the year is back when the gang sits around and watches nothing but terrible holiday themed movies.

Today is not only our first appearance of Dan Haggerty here at Simplistic Reviews but also a ending for a movie that flabbergasted DJ. I suppose this would already be enough for a Movie Commentary but nope...that's not all. We also have a homeless department store Santa investigating a modern-day Neo-Nazi plot to finally bring about the master race that Hitler had always dreamed of.

Instead of a race of pure-blood Aryans, it is revealed that Hitler dreamed of a race of half-human/half-elf hybrids.

Yep... what a movie everyone. So grab that egg nog and sit back, things are about to get weird.

Merry Christmas!

P.S. Enjoy the Elves because next week is a cold one set on a tropical island. Try not to question it.


Saturday, December 16, 2017

"The Last Jedi" Debate: Seeing It From Both Sides

Well the word is out; "The Last Jedi" is great!

Also, "The Last Jedi" is awful!

Don't you just love the Internet in all of it's infinite wisdom.

With Friday, December 15th being the official official release date of Lucasfilm and Disney's latest cash cow, there's been plenty of talk about where "Star Wars: Episode XIII The Last Jedi" falls in the conversation of greatest "Star Wars" film. We had the same conversation two years ago when "The Force Awakens" was released and we'll have the same conversation again in two years when "Episode IX" is released.

But there is disturbance in The Force for Rian Johnson's sci-fi epic. Whereas JJ Abram's restructuring of "A New Hope" was met with almost universal praise with nostalgia galore and some actual moments that shook the film universe and fanbase to it's core, this time around there seems to be more backlash than ever.

Perhaps this is just the world that we happen to live in now. People love what they love, and people love to shit all over what people love. The people that love the thing they love will defend it, and the people that love to shit on the thing that people love will continue to argue until either their mom turns off the Internet in the house or those people move onto the next thing they decide to shit on. Personally, I love to have a rousing debate, but we've also gotten to a place in this world, and by world I mean the world of Twitter, message boards on Reddit and anywhere else where people can have an opinion until they can't afford it anymore because Net Neutrality is gone (but that's something else to bitch about for a different time) and there is a simple sense of being way too sensitive that someone might not have the same opinion as you. There is also letting the troll win and controlling your emotions in a way that make you re-think what you may really like. Or there is the even more trap of going down to a troll's level and insulting their intelligence because all logic has been thrown out of the window.

These types of things always seem to rear their ugly heads when it comes to fandoms. We rarely see this type of dissension for dramas, comedies, or action films, but it could also be the case that we've all put ourselves in bubbles of protection with like-minded people who all agree on the same thing, and when our opinions are challenged, we usually strike back quite forcefully.

My point is that, sure, you are always going to have to deal with the few people out there with 45 Twitter Followers who bring up a "hot take" and yet we'll go out of our way to re-tweet, or answer or have the classic post "look at this stupid idiot," and at the end of the day, what's the point?

But with all that being said, I love reading an opposing review because honestly most of them are interesting to read. Within our bubble we have built of the safety of protecting all things we hold dear. But isn't it healthy to actually read another opinion and maybe challenging your thinking about something. You might not agree with it, but there are some people that make some compelling arguments, even if you feel those arguments are petty and silly.

Honestly, and let's get into it and stop standing on ceremony, I liked "The Last Jedi." Did I like it more than "The Force Awakens?"


Does that make me a monster? I certainly hope not, but by saying this isn't the best "Star Wars" film, period, is already putting me in the line of fire and leaving my "Star Wars" card up for grabs by the masses that have already anointed this film the greatest.

Why did I like "The Force Awakens" better? For me, it was simply more fun and exciting. I got plenty of nostalgia with "The Force Awakens" and while it introduced some new and exciting characters, it still gave me a lot of what I was used to and wanted to see.

"The Last Jedi," while introducing some new ideas and creating some new relationships, come the end of the film, which for me clocked in at a pretty bloated 2 hours and 32 minutes, had my mind a little fried. But this could have been the poor sound mix in the theater and maybe the fact that I had been up for just about 15 hours after the credits rolled.

Let me just get this out of the way with the gripes: Not a fan of the way Snoke was treated, and the same goes for Luke. The middle sagged. Not a fan of Canto Bight and it's something that could have been cut down to help the run time. Finally, Porgs are just reasons to sell toys, totally worthless.

Could there be some things done in "Episode IX" to fix some of my issues? Of course, and I hope they are and hopefully my worries are assuaged.

On the other side of the coin, there was plenty I liked; The opening space battle sequence. The middle sacrifice. And the ending battle sequence. There was a great scene in all three acts, with two in the final act. But looking at it now, the things I liked don't add to the overall progression of plot, they are more set pieces that look awesome and give "The Last Jedi" it's grand scale.

But at the end of the day, are there fundamental flaws with the film? Sure, but there are fundamental flaws with most Hollywood Blockbusters. Should everyone be able to make their own opinion about a film like this without being accused of not being a fan or having someone say "they feel sorry for them" for not liking something that they happen to love? Of course! But just having to justify why you have an opinion is a microcosm of the world we're living in now. There is always an opinion of someone else's opinion, and if that opinion doesn't match someone else's opinion it is almost always thought of as the wrong opinion. We don't listen anymore, we simply react and shoot off a "hot take" which can be read in so many different ways.

There are times that I long for the days before the Internet. Those days when you would talk about the movie you saw over the weekend with your other friends. And even if you disagreed, you at least had to look someone in their eyes and explain your stance. Those days are gone and everyone is anonymous and hidden behind a keyboard and can say whatever they want without a point or purpose with the benefit of not being found out.

But hey, what do I know. I'm the biggest hypocrite there is most of the time. But at the end of the days, let's all just have a civil conversation about these things and agree to disagree without saying we're all idiots about the things we can't all agree on.

Copyright © Simplistic Reviews