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Friday, November 25, 2016

CUTTING ROOM FLOOR - From Podcast Ep. 78 (Part 2 of 2)

Part 2 of 2 from Podcast Ep. 78 ends up on the CUTTING ROOM FLOOR!

Topic "Grandpa Poop"
On this Thanksgiving episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys talk about turkey and Donald Trump...A Minecraft movie and Donald Trump...Shelley Duvall and Donald Trump and who would win in a fight between Dracula and the Wolfman...oh and we also genuflect to our new Presidential overlord Donald J. Drumpf...all that and more on a turkey day episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.  And that wasn't a typo, by the way.  Donald Trump's real name is Drumpf...these are facts.

Monday, November 21, 2016

CUTTING ROOM FLOOR - From Podcast Ep. 78 (Part 1 of 2)

Part 1 of 2 from Podcast Ep. 78 ends up on the CUTTING ROOM FLOOR!

Topic "EPIC!"

On this Thanksgiving episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys talk about turkey and Donald Trump...A Minecraft movie and Donald Trump...Shelley Duvall and Donald Trump and who would win in a fight between Dracula and the Wolfman...oh and we also genuflect to our new Presidential overlord Donald J. Drumpf...all that and more on a turkey day episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.  And that wasn't a typo, by the way.  Donald Trump's real name is Drumpf...these are facts.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

(Ep. 78): SR Podcast - November 2016


On this Thanksgiving episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys talk about turkey and Donald Trump...A Minecraft movie and Donald Trump...Shelley Duvall and Donald Trump and who would win in a fight between Dracula and the Wolfman...oh and we also genuflect to our new Presidential overlord Donald J. Drumpf...all that and more on a turkey day episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.  And that wasn't a typo, by the way.  Donald Trump's real name is Drumpf...these are facts.

Al Bundy Fights
Wolfman's Got Nards

All Your Base Are Belong To Us
Chickens Have Come Home To Roost

Hail To The Chief
The Incredible Hulk Theme By Daniel Caine Orchestra
Beast Atoms By L-Beazt
Sharp Minds By L-Beazt
Cocaine Model By ZHU
By The Croft By Joakim Karud

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Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Op-Ed: The 2016 Election, and a new era for politics by Matt

*I am in no way a political scientist or anyone of importance. Shit, I'm just a working class stiff who also happens to host a podcast with two friends. Take that into consideration when the trolling starts.*

Fret not people, the dream isn't is merely might be a painful four years, but postponed doesn't mean it's dead.

Not much solace can be given in this time of division and what people might call one of the biggest mistakes voters have made perhaps ever, but we will persevere as a people, a community, and as human beings.

Oh behalf of DJ Valentine, and Justin Polizzi, none of us agree with how this 2016 Election ended, with a victory for now President Elect, Donald Trump. It's a scary reminder to never underestimate the power of fear mongering, and pandering to groups of people that feel that they have been swept to the side in favor of people that actual need help and representation. We live in a scared nation right now filled with people scared to lose their guns, scared that they won't have social security when they retire, scared that they can't retire on their pension, scared, scared, scared. When people are scared they don't look for what they have seen for the past eight years, they look to an alternative; they look to someone like Trump who offered them an alternative.

Trump is not an idiot, let's get that right out of the way. In fact he's a brilliant guy who conned voters into voting for him because he was an "insider" that saw the corruption that was happening in Washington, and he turned into an "outsider" who knew how to fix the problem. Can he fix the problem? Who really knows, this country has been shattered in 2016, and it's going to take a while to mend the hearts of minds of a country so greatly divided. I can see it now, Trump 2020 "It's Not My Fault I Couldn't Make America Great."

The other important takeaway is that the Republican Party now controls all aspects of the US Government, from the House to the Senate. The Supreme Court will likely tilt in the balance of the right-wing, and this can be a scary thought, but it also brings about opportunity for this country to finally get work done, albeit work that I will likely disagree with 100%. You wanted change Amerikkka, well now is your time to shine!

The Affordable Care Act will likely be repealed and replaced with something else, and it seems that Trump would like to erase all visage of the Obama Administration. It's a sad time for many people who think that eight years of progress will likely go down the drain, and you might even consider that over 60 years of progress for this nation will be rolled back as well. That's a bit of a stretch, but you have to consider that, it's incredibly frightening.

So where do we go from here? Well for one, we need to carry on and continue to live. Of course it's good to mourn, for many of us this is a day of mourning. The proverbial rug was just pulled out from under us and we face planted onto the hard concrete of reality. We were promised that Trump wouldn't go far. He was a nightly punchline for the likes of Bill Maher, the cast of SNL, and John Oliver, but this is the new reality that we have to face; we have this man as our 45th President of the United States. Yes, a man who fired Flava Flav from a reality show, a "man" that brags about sexual assault on women, a man who likely hasn't paid federal taxes in a long time and brags about it, a man who believes in something called "Extreme Vetting," and a man who's Twitter account had to be taken away from him like a child. This is the best that we have right now. This man. Donald J Trump.

So what's next for this "great" country? Who the hell really knows. It all still seems so surreal to think that Trump is president. Perhaps we were spoiled with eight years of having a Commander in Chief, while not perfect, was an inspiration to millions. Barack Obama had his ups-and-downs, but you can't take away his class, charm, ability to form proper sentences, and the way that he carried himself. The odds were stacked against him from the start, yet he still found ways to at least try and get things done. He treated people with integrity and dignity, and I was proud to know that we had a leader that at least tried to lead instead instead of "lame ducking" it for the last two years of his presidency. He had to deal with preposterous claims, namely from our new President, that he wasn't born in the United States, and he handled it with class.

The last thing we need to remember is that the blame is to be shared. We created this monster, this Trumpenstein if you will. We patronized his hotels, we watched his reality TV shows, we went to his universities, we bought his steaks, we putted on his greens, and we all thought he didn't have a snowball's chance in Hell. Well I heard that Satan just put on his snow boots because it's going to be a cold four (or even more) years in not just this country, but around the globe.

The chickens have finally come home to roost....or whatever the fuck that means....

Monday, November 7, 2016

3 Simplistic Things: October 2016

Halloween has come and gone, and so we enter the final two months of the year, including a big election the likes of which many of us have never seen before (yes, Obama was a big deal). But now we have to deal with the decision of electing a e-mail-deleting "nasty woman" or a xenophobic, racist in a red Made in China "Make America Great Again."

"Moore" of the Same
From our good friend Michael Moore comes another documentary about our failed political landscape. More in line to a college commencement speech, "Michael Moore in Trumpland" essentially rails on Trump while "praising" Clinton. But you be the one to decide.

Tarantino's Dead...pool
This is something weird that was floating around the Internet last month after the news broke the Time Miller had left "Deadpool 2." Of course fanboys blew their load on the likelihood that one of the last great directors we have working today would throw his hat into the ring on a comic book sequel...but c'mon.

Gimme Five!
Well, this was news just because of the shear insanity of adapting a book that is only 128-pages and squeezing not two, not three, not even four, but FIVE films out of "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them." But never underestimate the power of Potter-heads.

That's me for this month...kthnxbye.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

The People Under the Stairs

The People Under the Stairs: Unique

 1991 ‧ Mystery/Thriller ‧ 1h 42m


When young Fool (Brandon Adams) breaks into the home of his family's greedy and uncaring landlords, he discovers a disturbing scenario where incestuous adult siblings have mutilated a number of boys and kept them imprisoned under stairs in their large, creepy house. As Fool attempts to flee before the psychopaths can catch him, he meets their daughter, Alice (A.J. Langer), who has been spared any extreme discipline by her deranged parents. Can Fool and Alice escape before it's too late?

Release date: November 1, 1991
Director: Wes Craven

It's time for something to help out that Halloween hangover you have. Best way is to watch, The People Under the Stairs!

The People Under the Stairs is one of Wes Craven's most interesting and unique films. This is a film that should be seen by any movie buff. The creativity alone makes this film a must see for anyone. I first saw The People Under the Stairs when I was around 14. It left a very good impression on me, one that would sneak up in the back of my mind every now and then. This year for Halloween I just had to watch it, there isn't anything close to it.

"This is the perfect film to explain how uncreative hollywood has gotten. I only wish films this unique still came out in theaters today."

I do not want to talk a dime about the film.
If you never saw it, trust me its best to go in blind.
The People Under the Stairs is a crazy good film. It's entertaining right to the last frame. Be warned it does go out of this world wacky but that only adds to the uniqueness to a film that is as highly entertaining as this.

Go check it out if you can! 

Monday, October 31, 2016

Night of the Slasher

Night of the Slasher - Homage

A list of things to enjoy in 11 minutes:

-A bowl of soup
-Reading a great article in a magazine
-Taking a good crap
-Watching a YouTube video (hopefully one of ours)
-Having a good wank
-Enjoying the pleasures of another

I mean right there, that's a pretty good list. But let's add one more to that list now. Watching the short horror film "Night of the Slasher."

Now, this is something that I've been on the hunt for for a while. It hit the festival circuit pretty hard and gained a loyal following of fans ever since. Now, since the Internet is such a wonderful (but still horrible) invention, anyone who missed it while it did its rounds, can see it in all its HD glory right on Vimeo!

The plot, simply put, puts a young, big-chested, scantily clad young lady in the cross hairs of a Spock-mask wearing slasher as she desecrates the hollowed trinity of slasher movie sins; drink, do drugs, and have sex.

The added gimmick is that the short is filmed all in one take. There are a ton of whip pans throughout the short so I'm skeptical on the technique as those pans would be easy ways to hide an edit or two, but overall the camerawork is neat, the acting is fun, and the overall premise is entertaining It's a perfect homage for those who grew up on slasher horror of the 1980s. Every cliche is throw into this short and it's proof positive that Shant Hamassian grew up on this genre.

Do yourself a favor and CLICK HERE, and enjoy "Night of the Slasher."

Friday, October 28, 2016

Ouija: Origin of Evil

   Ouija 2 - Origin of Evil: Enjoyable

2016 ‧ Thriller/Horror ‧ 1h 39m
In 1967 Los Angeles, widowed mother Alice Zander (Elizabeth Reaser) unwittingly invites authentic evil into her home by adding a new stunt to bolster her séance scam business. When the merciless spirit overtakes her youngest daughter Doris (Lulu Wilson), the small family must confront unthinkable fears to save her and send her possessor back to the other side.
Release date: October 21, 2016
Director: Mike Flanagan

I don't really know what to say here but I kinda enjoyed this movie. That's right, yep I enjoyed Ouija 2. You know that board game that Universal Pictures made into a movie a few years back? It did somewhat good, despite it being a poor excuse of what qualifies for a movie. It was one of the worst movies I have seen and still they decided to make a sequel, and not just a sequel but a time period prequel that Justin somehow enjoyed watching.

"A prequel superior to its predecessor"

Okay. First lets just get this out of the way. Studios are scratching the barrel for ideas that already have somewhat of a foundation. Original ideas are all but lost. Remakes, sequels and re-imagined all but rule at the box offices. And we just had "the worst summer of movies" and the future doesn't seem like any of this will be changing.

Ouija 2: Origin of Evil recently came out with me not hearing a damn thing about it. It was last Podcast Ep. 77 when we saw a sequel had already been out and the ratings were pretty solid. I was shocked and couldn't believe this was out. On top of that it was rated extremely better then the first one. A few nights later I was able to leave work early and I decide I would go check it out.

And yes I enjoyed it! Was it the best film a saw in years? No but it was pretty fun to watch. The thing about Ouija 2 is it kinda knows what it is. With the first one everything was taken so serious but here things are a bit more tight and laughed about. In fact there is a couple funny moments in this film that played very well with the audience (Maybe 20 in the showing). It was one of those films where people were yelling out stuff at the crappy moments and laughing at the jokes. Sure the movie isn't perfect but damn I kinda enjoyed watching it. Let me just state my reason of liking it was do to the fact it was goofy and crew I believe knew right down to the script what this film really would be. The first film thought is was scary, yet it wasn't and even the bad was nothing to laugh at.

Ouija: Origin of Evil was an enjoying film to watch at the theater. Surprising but a joy to watch. Thumbs up Mike Flanagan!

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Millennial Horror - 2002 Halloween: Resurrection

Halloween: Resurrection - Sad


Suffice to say, the "Halloween" franchise has had it's ups-and-downs. While the 1978 classic is universally revered and beloved for it's villain and perfection of the "slasher" genre in horror, from "Halloween 2" onward, the luster faded quickly. Personally, I love the "Halloween" franchise despite the degeneration in quality over the years, but nothing could have prepared me for what I would see in the "final" installment of the canon story-line (I'm not counting the Rob Zombie versions). "Halloween: Resurrection" is that special kind of film that will surely leave you wondering, "what in the actual f*ck...."

The easy way to review this film is that while some people might think it's funny, it's incredibly cringe-worthy, and the final EPIC fight between Michael Myers and Busta Rhymes (yes, Busta Rhymes) is just sad, sad, and sad. In it's own way, its now a punching bag for how bad acting and horror had become in 2002.

The only interesting thing about this film is the fate of Jamie Lee Curtis' Laurie Strode, which is ballsy, but not all that surprising as the series had grown so stale that something drastic had to be done, is the lead thoroughly buried enough for you?

That's all that can really be said about "Halloween: Resurrection." It's just that bad that actually thinking about it just make me want to stop thinking about it....I mean this film was so bad where it was at this point where the decision was made to go through with an entire remake/reboot/re-hash, whatever you want to call it.

The cast is a laughable group of stereotypes that we've all seen in numerous other "teen-centric" fare, but Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes, the zeitgeist at the time, like I've said before, put a rapper and/or a model in a horror film, boom, Marketing 101. The film will suck, but at least that first week at the box office will be gangbusters.

You might think, "Wow, Matt loves horror...why is he ripping this movie apart?" Well, just let the clip(s) below marinate and I'll get back to you on the next review....

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